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Opening up a file titled "Operation: Ice Cream Cold Case"
I found the blood and semen on the ice cream scoop thanks to the guys down at the lab.

They owed me a couple of favors, and were willing to analyze this one under the table.
It was thanks to this Amazon review that I was able to make the connection to ice cream scoops being a sex toy. Foul play?
Researching further, I knew I was in way over my head nydailynews.com/news/national/…
I needed to clear my head. So I went to the local bar down the street. I didn’t even need to order. They knew my usual.
Later on that night I needed to clear my other head, meaning my junk. So I picked up this girl that was eyeballing me at the bar. Right before we were about to get it on, she showed me her tattoo.

I was too wasted to put the pieces together.
I sobered up around the time I was at gunpoint.

“You need to drop this one, Mr. Monroe. So much so, that we’re willing to make you.”

I realized then this dame wasn’t into a kink.
"Son of a bitch. I knew it!" i cursed to myself, one apartment rooftop escape later. benjerry.com/flavors/pecan-…

Ben & Jerry's. This shit went STRAIGHT. TO. THE. TOP.
trying to get some shut eye was impossible.
*ring ring* *ring ring*
woke me up in the middle of the night
"We know what you're after, Mr. Monroe. The Ice Cream Guild has wanted to take out Ben and Jerry for quite some time. We can give you the McGuffin that you want to solve this mystery. Meet me at the Mall tomorrow. You'll know where."
His voice was hard to recognize, but thanks to the Twitter picture I was able to figure out it was Joe Keery from Stranger Things.
So there I was in the Star Court...
OH FUCK IT'S THE BEN AND JERRY'S ASSASSIN

I GOTTA WARN JOE
WHERE DID THIS CROWD COME FROM

JOE JOE WHERE ARE YOU
Then I knew. The crowd was attending a funeral. The victim? Steve Harrington from Stranger Things.

I was too late to save him
I was never one for funerals. But I felt some responsibility for Steve Harrington from Stranger Things.

I kept some distance.
But I could see that all the Ice Cream Brands were there. As was their decorum when one of the families got attacked.

Even that smug bastard Ben & Jerry's sat in the FRONT ROW, next to Dairy Queen. Acting like there wasn't blood on his hands.
I don't know how long we locked eyes. I pondered ending that son of a bitch right then and there.

But that's what Ben & Jerry's wanted. They wanted a war. That was why we were here, weren't we? B&J sowing discord like this.

it needed to end.

Then a voice came from behind me.
"Somebody call for a mystery solving McGuffin?" Fred from the Scooby Doo gang called out to me.

My eyes lit up. FINALLY! A story telling device to end this thread fell on my lap. The Scooby Doo gang crossed over with EVERYONE, after all. This made sense.

I felt relieved.
*inside the mystery van*
"Yeah Nick it was great getting high as fuck and solving mysteries better than the police back in the 80s and 90s, but its 2019, we've evolved...."
*there was some silence, and I noticed someone missing from the van.*
"Thanks to him."
The mood grew tense.
"All we need to do is summon Shaggy and let MEME MAGIC take this Twitter thread to the end. We can even skip the rest of the plot and get to the big reveal."

*SWHWINNNG*
"Oh god" I thought to myself, as an image of GOD SHAGGY filled my mind. I was unsure I could survive him.
the science checked out though. knowyourmeme.com/memes/ultra-in…
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