, 17 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS COLLEGE CHEATING SCANDAL
THE FBI FUCKING CALLED IT OPERATION VARSITY BLUES
I CANNOT
THIS IS A QUOTE
DID I HAVE A STROKE
THEY PHOTOSHOPPED THEIR HEADS ONTO ATHLETES' BODIES
DO THE RICH NOT JUST DONATE A PROFESSORSHIP AND A BUILDING ANYMORE OR
LIKE THIS SEEMS EXPLICITLY AND ON-RECORD BANANAS WHEN SUBTLE, NO-RECORD BANANAS WOULD HAVE WORKED
AND THEY SAID THEY WERE CREW AND WATER POLO PLAYERS
JUST FUCKING MAKE THEM PLAY FOR EIGHT SECONDS
THERE'S LIKE FOUR KIDS TOTAL WHO DO THOSE AND THEY ARE ALL RICH
LIKE SOME PUBLIC SCHOOL KID FROM CHICAGO IS SUPER FUCKING INTO WATER POLO
NO ONE IS FIGHTING YOU FOR THAT SPOT
THIS FOOTNOTE ABOUT A TENNIS PLAYER I'M FUCKING SCREAMING
THE UNDER-12 DIVISION
AND ALL OF THESE RECORDED CALLS OMFG
THEY ARE ALL LIKE
PERSON A: SO THOSE CRIMES WE DID
PERSON B: YEAH THOSE CRIMES
PERSON A: SPECIFICS ABOUT THOSE CRIMES
PERSON B: YEAH I'M IN AGREEMENT ABOUT THOSE SPECIFICS
IF THESE PHONE CALLS WERE WRITTEN OUT FOR A MOVIE SCRIPT THEY'D GET RETURNED AS "A BIT HAM-FISTED, DON'T YOU THINK"
ALSO THIS IS A SERIOUS TWEET
FUCK THOSE PEOPLE FOR GRABBING ONTO VALID ACCOMMODATIONS MADE FOR DISABLED STUDENTS AND DOING THIS SHIT
THERE'S NO JOKE HERE THAT'S JUST FUCKING DESPICABLE
Just
Jesus
It's fine if the deeply mediocre spawn of people with more money than God get into college to fucking play fucking water polo but only if you don't explicitly write a check with "FRAUD" in the memo line
And I full-on do not understand the logic of some of these parents
You committed felonies to get your kid into schools with like 28% acceptance rates
You're gonna go to jail for a Northeastern University admission
Like the fuck is wrong with you
I'm not saying you can't get a good education there but since prestige matters so much to these people, clearly, why would you crimes for a school people can actually get into
Take that hundred grand and get your kid 15 tutors
OH MY GOD
JUST FULL-ON SAYING "MY KID IS SMART AND WILL FIGURE OUT THAT WE ARE CHEATING"
THEN JUST GET YOUR KID TO MAJOR IN NOT COMMITTING CRIMES AT A DECENT UNIVERSITY
IF THEY ARE SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE THAT OUT I BET THEY CAN STUDY FOR THEIR FUCKING ENGLISH LIT EXAM
And my final (lolol yeah right, final for now) thought is how I cannot get over this one mother calling it "sand volleyball" as she tries to get her kid in
Fucking, you gotta get the name of the sport right, at least
"Yeah my kid was on the Arrakis All-Planet Varsity Team"
This whole thing is like a House Hunters episode where your kid is the money you have and the college is your dream house and instead of adjusting your expectations you bribe the recorder of deeds and move in
Kids if you're here to read this all-caps thread of incredulity and liked it and have some extra dollars I have a Ko-fi here's the link ko-fi.com/V7V56H2L
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