, 11 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
my mom was obsessively, almost comically overprotective of me. but jesus christ on a bike, what is going on?
the first time i rode a bus on my own my mom followed in her car to make sure i knew wtf i was doing. pre-cellphone i always had to call so she knew where i was or if my friends and i changed location. she constantly worried about drugs (i've never done drugs).
yet compared to some things ive read/watched about millenials my mom seems positively rock and roll. unclench!
every time i would mess up as a kid my mom assumed it was drugs.

didn't clean my room
"oliver are you on drugs"
didn't take out the trash
"oliver are you on drugs"
failed a math test
"oliver are you on drugs"
forgot i had homework
"oliver are you on drugs"

i blame nancy reagan
i would have no idea where to buy a drug if i wanted one. the hardest drug i ever took was that hard as rock bubble gum that came with my garbage pail kids cards
and honestly as a kid i was on a limited budget. i used to get $5/week for allowance. how could i blow that on drugs when i had comics to buy? PRIORITIES.
"hey kid want to buy drugs?"
"what i want to buy is 3 packs of garbage pail kids, 2 packs of batman cards... and a ring pop because i live like a g-d king!"
and yes, i will always believe "drugs" are sold in a sinister/menacing voice like on all the ads they blasted into our brains in the late 80 s early 90s because i am corny like that.
ive joke pitched a crime series about two Caribbean moms who are police detectives.
(for the record, as a kid i had no appreciation for the $20/month in allowance i was getting, but i now know that $240/year was not particularly money my mom had. we werent poor but we were lower-middle class. part of why i revere her memory so much.)
also if i didnt take out the garbage i *would* lose allowance. jamaican mothers dont play.
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