, 39 tweets, 9 min read Read on Twitter
12 flavors? Let’s see what this is all about
Nutrition facts don’t care about your nutrition feelings
Take that, freedom haters
I can’t open the bag. Damn you, American craftsmanship
Are there really 12? Let’s get sorting
Welp. I can only distinguish 11 colors of gummi bears
Alexa, compose a strongly worded letter to the Albanese Confectionary Group of Merrillville, Indiana
Backtracking for a moment: I must applaud the nerve of a company that can straight up STEAL the term “gummi bears” and then turn around and trademark “12 Flavor” like nothing happened
@Snacktator and @BiotechMongoose feel that the two cyan-ish bears are in fact different. I don’t see color so you can judge for yourself
They may have a point. But the proof is in the tasting. One is probably Scope-flavored and the other one Tide
Several sharp-eyed viewers have checked the photo on the packet and pointed out that I have been ROBBED of a purple gummi bear. The good news is, I don’t have to taste two different flavors of cyan. Now let’s design the experiment
St. Haribo, forgive me
Okay now. The 12 flavors are listed on the packet:
Let’s form an initial hypothesis. Here are my guesses from visual cues alone:
Purple is obviously grape (data not shown)
Now let’s factor in SMELL
Starting at the one o’clock posiition and moving clockwise. The bears I have marked “lemon” smell like... a freakin gummi bear 😠
Yeah, they all basically smell the same, except the ones I marked “Lime” may be Green Apple. And it’s possible that “Lemon” is really Mango. On to the other senses
TOUCH: they are all gooey and gross.
SOUND: they all make a sticky sound when I pull them off the paper. No help there
It’s head chompin’ time :D
I’ll start with the ones I guessed are Blue Raspberry. I’m not so sure about Raspberry, but I am definitely getting strong notes of Blue. I’ll stick with Blue Raz 👍
“Cherry” is 100% cherry. “Cherry Ludens Cough Drop” would be more accurate but that wasn’t one of the options
“Strawberry” could be strawberry. Yes. Yes it’s strawberry. No time for self-doubt now Scott, you only have one bear in that color. The margin for error is razor thin and the stakes have never been higher
And now we venture into the oranges and yellows. This is where all hell breaks loose
“Orange” is orange!!! I’m gonna get an A I’m gonna get an A
Really I would call this “Clementine” but I’m at the mercy of the unimaginative flavor namers of the Albanese Confectionery Group, if that is indeed their real name. Bunch of hacks
“Pink Grapefruit” tastes like either pink grapefruit, or the inside of a mailbox. The winning streak continues
Oh dear. Lemon-Mango-Pineapple, the Bermuda Triangle of ursine fruit flavors. Will I capsize on their rocky shoals? One thing is for sure: I would never ever EVER cheat
Oh no. I blew it. “Pineapple” is clearly lemon. No no no no no
What the hell, these bears are rigged
I can still save it. I can still get a B. There’s no way Mango would be the lightest-yellow one, that would make no sense. Right? RIGHT??
“Mango” is mango. That means “Lemon” must be pineapple. I advance to the next round, bruised but unbroken
Pineapple has a certain summery, water-from-a-rubber-garden-hose quality that is not really doing it for me tbqh. Or maybe that’s the umami of failure I detect
I’ll be honest, I was so distracted by my humiliation at the hands of the yellow bears that I forgot to pay attention to the taste of this one. I’m going back in for the bottom half. Why did I start this foolish quest
I *think* it’s lime. I mean, it tastes like a Bounce dryer sheet. That’s gotta be lime, right? Moving on
I mean, what is the point of so-called “gummi bears” anyway. What does that even MEAN. Stupid bears
I expected trouble from the yellow bears, but I never thought I’d get pantsed by the greenies. Final score: 7 correct out of 11 (64%). Barely passing. I won’t be the valedictorian of Gummi High, but I’ll get to go to prom
Flavors ranked best to worst:

Mango 👏👍
Watermelon (Jolly Rancheresque)
Blue Raspberry
Pineapple (I forgive you)
Green Apple
Punk Grapefruit (not a typo)
Grape (AWOL so I’m mad at you)
🔮 Gummiscopes

♈️ ARIES: strawberry
♉️ TAURUS: pineapple
♊️ GEMINI: green apple
♋️ CANCER: pink grapefruit
♌️ LEO: mango
♍️ VIRGO: cherry
♎️ LIBRA: watermelon
♏️ SCORPIO: blue raz
♑️ CAPRICORN: lemon
♒️ AQUARIUS: grape
♓️ PISCES: orange
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