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I always knew I wanted to be a woman lol, ever since middle school. The motivations and reasons at the time were way different back then and I’ma not say them cuz yall will cancel my ass...BUT I ALWAYS KNEW, OK.
At the time I just treated it as like, a random thought that crossed my mind from time to time. I never really took it seriously because the idea of trans-anything was a foreign concept to me back in the day. I lived in a small town so.....I didn’t know shit aldjdksa
The experience I DID have online was always people thinking I was a girl because of my voice (it sounded more feminine back then) and I kinda went with it..........I never told anybody my real gender at the time.......................yes I was lowkey 🐱🐟 lmaoooo I was 14.
I would always use a female avatar in games like PS Home. I had relationships that I knew would never go anywhere...it was a part of the fantasy of imagining I was a woman.
And now thinking about it, I did it to use it as an outlet to express myself. My confidence IRL was literally nonexistent. I was so confident and bougie online sis, I was a WOMAN.
But anyways, puberty hit and I got exposed apshdkskxnslxbslxnsps WHEW. I can make a whole video on PS Home drama because that would be a huge throwback right there lmfaoooooo. I got DRAGGEDDDDDD....I still stayed friends with people cuz of my radiant personality tho~ ✨
Anyways, enough with the backstory, let’s fast forward......

My first experience with a trans person was in college. A trans guy. His name was Dylan.

My ex-bestie. :))))))

At the time I didn’t really know what to do because it was my first ever experience IRL.
I didn’t misgender or nunn, I understood the basics lol

But I would have conversations with him about how I wish I was a woman, how I wish I could do the same thing he’s doing and we would joke about switching body parts lol....but I still didn’t understand I was trans.
It didn’t CLICK that what I was feeling was that I’m also trans. I was so used to living in my disgusting body that I was kinda like, “well I can’t change it...”. Like, idk how to explain it, I just didn’t GET IT. I would watch videos of folks and still be like “huh”
I would always find ways to rationalize what I’m feeling in EVERY SINGLE WAY, except thinking I’m trans. It was kind of like, I just never got it at the time. It was to the point I used to think I just wanted to be a drag queen lol.
By the time I got it though, I was no longer friends with Dylan or my other lil buddies. They were assholes alsjdnsksmslsl. I will say though, they were hella understanding and were what got me into like, the left and shit.
When I got it, I was INSTANTLY like “aight lemme tell everybody”. I thought it would go the same way as telling people I was gay....................like, I used to think the process was the same. They would accept me the same way....WHEW I WAS WROOOOONG ALDJDPCKSPCNSAPXNSLXMAL
It was the summer before H. Maria.

I was instantly on FB like, “hey im a trans woman :))) pronouns: she/her hehe my name is [Feminine Name] haha hi :)”

The next day, I told my mom..................................................................👁
I told my mom....and my mom was instantly like “que carajo??” and it didn’t go well. I love her and all, but whew, she told my sister and later in the day shit got physical and it was just...a mess lol. A huge mess.
I didn’t feel happy about being out, I didn’t feel comfortable, I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel relieved, I didn’t feel any of the things I was PROMISED I would feel after coming out as trans. I felt regretful, I felt awful.
I got called slurs in Spanish.....if you know you know. My family treated me like an outcast and like a disease or something. It was really fucking bad. I STILL KEPT AT IT, I wasn’t gonna stop for them, but it was really bad.
After a while, classes for that semester started. Shit went away eventually. Just like in any normal latino family, everybody acted like nothing happened.
I met new friends and I was instantly like, “hey yeah I’m a woman, she/her”, etc. I SHOULD NOT......HAVE DONE THAT....because here comes the REAL mess.
Those people instantly started like, telling everybody they met my business. Even after I repeatedly told them not to, they just kept at it because latinos are fucking chismosos.
Just like in any group tho, we eventually formed sub-groups and I just hung out with the actual cool people and I treated everybody else just like acquaintances.
Anyways, everybody was nice about it at least. At the time, I was just like whatever about it. Can’t anybody beat my ass.

Let’s fast forward to Maria, where I DID get my ass beat skshdhdkxlsls
Maria happened and I had no power, no signal, no water, etc. I was in a miserable state and I had no access to the one safe space I had, my FB. I was feeling really frustrated and lacking confident, I was just really depressed.
My family started up the really tr*nsphobic BS again and I had no choice but to take it. What was I gonna do during a hurricane, with no power and no signal? I couldn’t vent, I couldn’t tell anybody, I had no one to talk to at all.
And the shit kept going until 2 months later when I could go back to Uni again.

Everybody STUNK, because no water lol. But that didn’t help /my/ confidence, you know? And my mental state just kept plummeting, like. It was GONE.
I remember this one moment the day I got there where I had to sit in the middle of class....and I was stinky cuz NO WATER. IT WAS MARIA LOL.

And somebody said “of course the [t slur] SJW smells bad”, like my DUDE. I SNIFFED YOU, YOU SMELL WORSE.

btw everybody spoke english in this University. The primary language was basically english lol. Also, it was a Catholic University. If you’re from PR, you know which uni it is.
Now imagine how I felt back then. No power, no signal, no REAL support because my new RL friends were trash and my family was treating me badly, no water, barely any food, I was just feeling even worse somehow. I left the classroom.
There was this M*G* group in my Uni that was really into.....that side of p*litics and they were really shitty people. Yes, some latinos love Tr*mp, do not ask me why because I legit do not understand either.
That group caught wind of me and my identity, because remember the friends from before that told everybody? Yeah, they were all buddies now lol. And it turned out exactly how you expect.
I remember walking out of the classroom and one of those guys was near the bathrooms. I go to the male’s bathroom because....I’m male presenting lol, where else can I go?

and the guy was like, “hey [t slur], don’t even think about going into the girls bathroom” 😬😬😬😬
I ignored it because.............what else can I do! lol

But that was when I realized that shit was really starting to go down and I had no one in my corner.
I took a minute because I really needed to get my thoughts together and be alone for a minute.

When I get out of the bathroom, the whole group is like, there. And they were staring me down like 👁👁. They were ready to fight alssksjkls.
They cornered me and they started talking shit. One of them kept poking at my chest really hard saying shit like “these manboobs will never be real boobs”, REALLY cringy shit that I would laugh at now because of how dumb it is.

But at the time, I was REALLYYYYYYY fragile.
They kept calling me the t slur, all types of shit, a crazy SJW, femin*zi, ETC. EVERYTHING you see online, I was being told to my face. It was crazy. One even grabbed me in the crotch talking about, “you’ll never get rid of this you [t slur]”, and just....MESS. MESS. MESS. MESS.
I was literally frozen in the moment about to cry, the most I could do was hold it in because I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I was like 😳😳😳 the whole time.
MEANWHILE, my “friends” literally walked past us like “hey bestie (:” and didn’t really do anything lol.
I was feeling really bad, like just awful. After they got bored and left, I didn’t even cry. I was just so over everything and didn’t know what to do. No signal, no power, no anything, I was just defeated.
Side note my room lowkey smells like something’s burning so theres prolly a dem*n or something. WHEW. I’m not ready.
ANYWAYS. After all of that, my parents picked me up and I was just quiet the entire day after that. I was so.....exhausted that the tr*nsphobic shit from my family here and there didn’t even bother me anymore. After that encounter??? Whew, I was just emotionally GONE.
I still went to Uni because I didn’t have shit to do at home. No power, no signal, what else am I gonna do?! lol

And it only got worse. :)
I didn’t bother going to classes, I would just hang out in secluded areas because I just wanted to be alone, away from family, in a different setting. I was just hanging out by myself and minding my business.

I was in one of those areas, and here comes the M*G* group again.
And here’s when doodoo REAAAAAALLY hit the fan.

They took my backpack and tossed that shit to the side, emptied that shit and stomped on my notebooks and shit.

Basically, destruction of property. I was writing this shit down in my head so I could sue later alskskskskksksks.
Then they started pushing me around and kept trying to get me off the chair. Best believe I was trying my best to remain on the chair cuz my dumbass didn’t wanna give them the satisfaction of moving.
I was still pretending nothing was happening trying my best to ignore them. I was just there like
Then one of the dudes literally punches me in the jaw talking about I shouldn’t ignore him, I was like........so grabbing my crotch aint enough, you gotta punch my face too? WHEW, I punched him back.......
It doesn’t really take a rocket scientist to figure out, that did not go well lol.

I got my ass beat by the entire group. Basically, I got dragged 🙋‍♂️
I didn’t feel comfortable going to the administration about ANY of this because the administration in this University really was SHIT. H*mophobic trash. Fuck them.
Everybody found out I got my ass beat, everybody knew, no one did anything lol, no one cared. Some laughed in my face as I walked around campus, it was just....really awful. EVERYBODY knew why I got beat too.
I’m sure the administration knew too and they never reached out, which I expected. My family knew and they told me to go to the police, but the police ain’t gonna do shit lol.
My family softened after that and it all calmed down on that side of things at least.
The next day...I still went to Uni 🤡🤡🤡

Nothing happened this day at least, but I did find out some things...
Come to find out, my “friends” were talking all this shit about me calling me a p*rvert and all of this shit, they made it seem like I was such an awful person and spreading rumors about how I would go to the girls bathroom and just, really bad shit. They were straight up lying.
They were literally starting shit just to start shit. They were doing all of this just for the drama and I was so pissed. I didn’t do anything about it though, because WHAT CAN I DO? 🤡 I had NO ONE in my side and the administration really was...shit. If you’re from PR, you KNOW
This University is known for its incompetence. At least my campus. It’s legendary even, you can say the name of the Uni and people just know how bad shit is. It’s just known.
The group did stop going after me after dragging my ass. I just stayed in the library after the Uni got power because they had AC. I literally minded my business x100, I didn’t go to classes at all and just went to Uni to just get out of the house.
After EVERYTHING that happened, I started questioning myself. I still got dirty looks from people and it reminded me that I am truly an outcast. This whole situation really taught me that this whole leftist, whatever safe space is not a thing in /my/ area.
I didn’t have anybody to talk to IRL, I still don’t, idk what to call it but this whole “woke” thing is just not a THING in my real life. Safe spaces do not exist in my real life.

Or rather, I haven’t found them yet.
Anyways, I started questioning myself and I really started thinking, do I want to go through life like this? Am I brave enough, patient enough? Am I willing to continue with all of this? Is it OKAY for me to give up? Am I a bad person for stopping transitioning?
I KNEW my story was not unique, I KNEW people who went through worse and still continued, so why am I giving up? Why should I? People continued and they’re fine now.

I really struggled with this shit.
Trans people have d*ed for living how they want to live. I am not allowed to give up.

That is what I kept telling myself.
A week later, I get signal back.

And almost instinctively, I make posts about this on FB and people keep teling me how I’m so brave, I’m so strong, I’m so inspiring, like....No I’m not. I’m really not.
And after FINALLY getting called by my preferred pronouns, my new name, all of this, I just felt uncomfortable to be honest.
I expected so much validation, I expected so much relief, I expected to be happy, I expected to feel great about finally talking to people who get it.

But in my head I was just like, pls stop.
Having a safe space online is an amazing thing, but it does not compare to one IRL. People would call me something online, people would call me something else IRL. It was so exhausting. After everything I went through, it was so hard to enjoy any of the validation.
It was so exhausting that it felt like I was catfishing again as a 14 year old like...the person I was on FB felt like somebody else. Somebody different. It just wasn’t ME.
I even stopped going on FB for a bit because it just got annoying to be referred to as a woman. Being misgendered was so stuck in my head after months of no power, no signal, nothing.
Before Maria, I really started loving myself. I was somewhat confident and comfortable.

After Maria, I went back to completely hating myself and I didn’t even look at my....parts. I was just DISGUSTED.
After getting my signal back (still no power lol just signal and water now), I struggled with all of this for about a month and then I started changing everything back.
I was so confused and uncomfortable by the constant back and forth between my online space and my RL space that I just gave up and changed EVERYTHING back.

Dead name, he/him, str*ight men stopped sending me nudes.....👁
Btw str*ight men really did not give a fuck alksskdkkskss messy. 😭 “she/her??? Aight heres my d*ck”.
Fast forward a year later (an academic year), I changed colleges. It was quick and easy and they were lowkey happy to see me go lol.
Everything started being fine at home and it’s all good now

After finally changing spaces and going to a new college where no one knows me, I really had time to think (and be smarter) and I still want to transition. I really do.

But after everything, for my own safety, I can’t.
I started referring to myself as they/them, I still use my dead name because it just helps /me/ feel less frustrated with the constant back and forth between RL and online.
After everything that happened, I just do not feel...comfortable even talking about it. Even right now, it makes me twinge just thinking back on it. I just laskjsdkklslsls
I feel like a coward for prioritizing my safety over my happiness, I feel like a traitor or whatever for “giving up” transitioning for now, I feel like I’m exaggerating???? idk
If somebody irl were to ask me if I was trans I would just say no, out of safety. After everything? I cannot go through it again.

I actively avoid having that conversation with people irl.
ill finish the thread later cuz theres still lowkey more but im tired
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