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While I’m waiting for my plane from Orlando to Detroit, I am seriously thinking about live-tweeting the movie Star Wars from memory.
If anyone knows any reason why this should not happen, speak now or #force yourself to enjoy it
Having heard no legitimate objections, let’s begin.

Disclaimer: I haven’t seen Star Wars in a few years. These are my memories and impressions, which are 100% valid and factually correct so don’t AT-AT me. Star Wars joke
1) A BLAST of horns as the yellow Star Wars logo flings itself into deep space. I’m 7 years old and I’m already freeeeaking out
2) Yellow words scroll up and recede into the distance. These aren’t like any credits I’m used to but I’m more interested in the movement than the words. Some kind of political dispute, I honestly don’t care this music kicks ASS and look at all those stars
Honestly I could leave now and be very satisfied
Oh I forgot about the preface “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away” but that had very little impact on me as a kid. It IS an odd way to start a movie that is clearly about humans in the future, but now we understand George better
3) Okay thank goodness the text crawl is leaving. I didn’t come here for word problems, gimme the pew pew
What’s this? A planet. A spaceship. It’s shooting lasers! PEW PEW this is already, by a country mile, the greatest movie I’ve ever seen
4) and behind that spaceship is... another spaceship. It looks bigger and the pew pews sounds more official. More ship and more ship. Oh lord this spaceship is a CHONK
Those three blue engines tho. The sheer NOISE of it
Plane is boarding. Brb
5) Cut to the inside of a ship (which one?) and TWO ROBOTS ARE ARGUING :D :0 :D :O

This movie keeps blowing my seven year old mind, sweeping up the pieces and blowing THEM up
My training tells me this is the part where a white guy is supposed to tell a white girl “follow me, stay close and don’t touch anything,” but all I’m seeing is robots 😍
6) Something about a princess. One of the robots doesn’t speak English and there are no subtitles, which is new and incredibly exciting to me. Luckily the yellow one tends to repeat everything
7) Cut to a mysterious woman in white, sneaking around some kind of boiler room.

[Plane taking off now, be back soon]
The person who posted Jar Jar Binks in my mentions has been muted. This isn’t a game, people
8) The robots get separated in all the laser pewing. Eventually the yellow one finds the short one canoodling with the lady in white. The yellow butler robot is clearly a thin dude in a suit; how the short one moves is totally beyond my comprehension
9) As I recall, the gold robot gets really verbally abusive of the little blue one at this point. Don’t talk to strange princesses or some such controlling nonsense. Talking to strange princesses is what Twitter is all about, am I right
10) I’m getting a little stressed out by all the robot bullying, but meanwhile the little ship gets sucked inside the big ship and a bunch of white robots break in, led by a black robot with a cape. The other guys are humans so they’re the good guys, got it
11) The ship’s captain is a white guy in his 30s—finally, we meet our hero!

Wait what
The black robot just straight up murdered that guy with one hand. This isn’t your grandaddy’s star war
12) Meanwhile the woman in white is raising hell, killing white robots until one of them shoots her with thought bubbles and puts her to sleep.
You’d almost think SHE’S the hero hahaha jk I can wait for the real hero
13. The white robots can talk, and they don’t talk like robots. Also they’re American and the black leader robot is British. Confusing
14) After some vaudeville patter, the gold robot & the short blue one get into an escape pod and blast away. I guess the little ship hasn’t been captured at this point, because the pod doesn’t just ricochet around inside the big triangle ship
15) Cut to an Imperial workstation.

ENSIGN: Whoa, an escape pod just left
LIEUTENANT: Boooring
ENSIGN: No life signs on it, just some robots or computer equipment
LT [lights cigarette]: Let it go and keep looking for those digitized secret plans. Floppy disks, thumb drives etc
16) The two robots land in an endless desert and start walking, continuing their argument. THE STORY FOLLOWS THE ROBOTS and I have never been so stunned & delighted before or since. What is that s k e l e t o n
It’s possible I might not finish before my plane lands. This is a good movie
17. The robots split up and it’s clear who the smart one is by now. But they both get rescued/captured and thrown in a robot junk drawer with all kinds of creepy bots stumbling around and making jerky gestures. Pretty scary. It’s like the comments section on youtube
18) I feel like they cut back to Leia at this point but I can’t remember the exact scene. She’s dunking on the entire Imperial naval hierarchy with brutal one-liners, chewing her way up the chain of command
I wish Carrie Fisher had been allowed to rewrite these epic smackdowns. This is where she LIVED
19) No, I think I’m wrong, instead of cutting back to Leia we introduce LUKE SKYWALKER, gazing awesomely at two suns. Or does that happen later. Anyway, here is a hero that my boymind* can immediately understand and accept

*I have since grown up and learned things
UNCLE OWEN: Luuuuke!
LUKE: What. [sulks]
OWEN: Check the moisture things
LUKE: Whatever, this is a total desert, we never get any but fine, whatever
OWEN: I can’t hear you
LUKE: whatEVERRR [kicks sand]
Deplaning now—back later. We’re so close to the end of the movie
20) Luke Skywalker lives in a pit with his aunt and uncle, who have moved to the desert to collect moisture. Their previous job was selling flip-flops on Hoth 🥁
Okay, I’m safe and sound at home. Back to my desperately needed star wars recap—

21) Uncle Owen wants to visit the tiny monks and buy a robot butler that can talk to the moisture ’vaporators and ask them to stop EVAPORATING the moisture and start CONDENSING it
22) Luke seems pretty miffed to have to be here, even though tiny monks selling space robots out of a massive dune buggy must be one of the most exciting things to happen around here since they outlawed podracing
23)
UNCLE OWEN: Hey you—can you speak to moisture vaporators?
C-3PO: You mean, can I speak binary? Lol yeah, it’s like the easiest language. Zero, one 💅
OWEN: Monks, I’ll take the annoying butler and the lil red one.
[Red robot explodes]
OWEN: What’s your return policy
24)
UNCLE OWEN: Luke, take these robots home and get ‘em cleaned up
LUKE: But I was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!
OWEN: Pick up some what?
LUKE:
OWEN: Why would you need—
LUKE: Fine, I’m buying porn
25) [In the robot garage]

LUKE: You two are all dinged up and filthy, you must have traveled a lot
C-3PO: Yes, but weirdly enough I was born just a few miles from here. You see, there was this young lad named Skyw—
LUKE: Anyway, I’m a just humble farm boy but I wish to fly away
26) [R2-D2 shows a hologram of Princess Leia]

LEIA: Help me Obi-Wan Keno—
LUKE: Holy cow, she’s beautiful
LEIA: You’re my only ho—
LUKE: Wowee, what a knockout. She’s like a Tattooine 10. Hubba hubba
LEIA: Can I finish
27)
[Hologram of Princess Leia ends]

C-3PO: So what are you going to do?
LUKE: About what? I wasn’t listening
C-3PO: We have to bring this Obi-Wan guy to Alderaan—
LUKE: Her voice was shrill and hard to listen to. She could smile more. And what’s with the white robe. Unlikeable
28)

R2-D2: Boop blorp
C-3PO: He says the restraining bolt is uncomfortable and it deadens his sensations
LUKE: But—
R2-D2: Bleep bop woooo
C-3PO: He says it hurts. [rolls eyes] Just ignore him
[Luke removes bolt]
[R2-D2 falls asleep]
LUKE: What the—
C-3PO: Every bloody time. Smh
29) So of course the short droid is gone in the morning. The boy had one job
To no one’s surprise, this is looking like a multi-day project
30)

LUKE: Aunt Beru, this blue milk is delicious
BERU: Yes, we have it imported from giant manatees halfway across the galaxy. Meanwhile we are forced to condense our own water from the dry desert air for some reason [glares at Owen]
OWEN: Don’t start with the manatees again
UNCLE OWEN: Look, can we change the subject, there’s a whole movie to recap and we haven’t even met most of the main characters yet
AUNT BERU: Somehow it’s never a good time to talk about the fact that moisture farming is simply an unsustainable business model in this climate
UNCLE OWEN: Yes but in a larger sense, farming water in the desert is a powerful metaphor for the futility of Luke trying to deny his destiny as a Jedi. The “unsustainability,” to use your cutting choice of words
AUNT BERU: I see somebody’s been reading their Joseph Campbell 🚬
UNCLE OWEN: Where’s all this hostility coming from?
AUNT BERU: Goodbye, Owen. The Academy accepted my application yesterday. I’m going to be a fighter pilot
LUKE: Hey, I was gonna apply too!
OWEN: Oh no. I need you both here through the harvest
BERU: This isn’t a negotiation
UNCLE OWEN: Well, without you two I can’t keep the moisture farm going. I’ll never make it through the harvest
LUKE: The two new robots will help you
OWEN: Uh have you *met* those two knuckleheads?
BERU: The so-called “harvest” is like 2 liters of water. A Roomba could collect it
Okay, this star wars recap thread has somehow morphed into pure Owen-Beru fanfiction. I’ll return to the movie as soon as I get this out of my system
UNCLE OWEN: Hey, it’s not like I always wanted to be a moisture farmer. It was the family business. As a child I had dreams
LUKE: What did you want to be?
OWEN: ᵃ ˢᵃⁿᵈ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ
LUKE: Huh?
OWEN: A SAND PERSON. A Tusken Raider. God it feels good to finally say it
Oh I forgot an important scene, let’s go back to 17) for a second and meet the Jawas.
Are they called Jawas in the movie, or did we learn that from the toys? Anyway, the music is saying we don’t have to take them seriously. With different music this would have been terrifying
But when R2-D2 is knocked out out we get one of the best moments of comedic sound design ever. Frantic electronic gibberish, a fading groan and then a garbage-can thunk
Yes this recap is now going backwards
LUKE: The robots are looking for an Obi-Wan Kenobi. You think they mean old Ben?
UNCLE OWEN: That wizard’s just a crazy old man. He’s dead. He moved away. He’s allergic to robots. It’s two different guys
AUNT BERU: Owen, ffs, the jig is up. Tell the boy who he is
LUKE: What boy?
You thought I was done with the moisture farm lol
UNCLE OWEN: I thought we could keep Luke hidden away from Vader. But alas, fate had other plans
AUNT BERU: Fate, and the fact that we didn’t bother to change his last name
UNCLE OWEN: Yes, fate can be cruel. Pass the manatee juice
31) In a desert canyon

LUKE [wakes up]: Whahappen
OBI WAN: You were attacked by Tusken Raiders
LUKE: Why?
OBI WAN: Who knows? They’re irritable. They’re mostly men’s rights activists. They’re easily frightened but they’ll soon be back to explain why they were right to attack you
OBI WAN: Let’s go, they’re coming back
TUSKEN RAIDER 1: Debate us, cowards
T.R. 2: Yeah, debate us!
OBI WAN: Luke, whatever you do, don’t engage in ‘rational discourse’ with them. It never ends
T.R. 1: We have rights, you know
T.R. 2: Yeah, rights!
T.R. 1: If you leave, we win
32) Obi Wan’s apartment.

LEIA: Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
[hologram ends]
LUKE: So, what do you think?
OBI WAN [lighting a pipe]: I’m not wild about the Beats By Dre hairstyle. And she’d be prettier if she smiled more
LUKE: THAT’S WHAT I SAID
I had to mute yet another Jar-Jar giffer. Not today people—this is Rey & Leia Day

LUKE: You knew my father?
OBI WAN: Oh sure, we worked together for years until Darth Vader murdered him. Heck of a guy
LUKE: M-murdered him? Gosh. Did you try to save him?
OBI WAN: In a way. I ended up cutting off most of his limbs. The exact sequence of events isn’t important
OBI WAN: Anyway, your father and I were Jedi Knights, spreading peace and good vibes across the galaxy. Until the Emperor rose up and harshed everyone’s mellow
LUKE: Golly. How did the Emperor seize power?
OBI WAN: [Sigh] You see, there was this thing called the Electoral College
OBI WAN: The Jedi were one with the Force, which basically controls everything. And we had these light sabers in different colors [zhoomm]
LUKE: But if you had the Force at your command, why did you need a sword?
OBI WAN: Are you kidding me? Look at this thing—it absolutely slaps
LUKE: So the Force lets you move things and strangle people?
OBI WAN: Mostly, but it also tells you when people are upset, or related to you.
LUKE: How does the Force work?
OBI WAN: Look, whenever I get into the molecular biology of it, people get really bummed out. It’s a force
33) Back at the moisture farm

BERU: Owen, there’s a Sand Person at the door for you
SAND PERSON: Hello Owen, thanks for your email requesting info about our organization. Basically, we live in the desert as free men, far from the feminist agenda and womanish concepts of hygiene
OWEN: Come in & tell me more
SAND PERSON: Did you know that living with women makes your midichlorians weak and listless? It’s science
OWEN: Hmm, this feels true
BERU: That’s it, I’m joining the Rebellion. [leaves]
SAND PERSON: Hey, can I crash here for a while? Mom kicked me out
OWEN: I’ve made up my mind. I want to join the Tusken Raiders
SAND PERSON: Whoa, you have to pay for classes first. Level 1 is “Unearned Entitlement”
OWEN: Pfff, after everything I’ve been through, you people should be paying ME
SAND PERSON: 🤔 You might be ready for Level 2
SAND PERSON: Will you take this brief quiz to determine whether you’re eligible to join the Tusken Raiders?
OWEN: You betcha! Would you like purple honey or blue manatee milk in your tea, Mr. Sand Person?
SAND PERSON: Both. And please call me Bret. Oh, this is scrumptious
BRET: Question 1. Somebody cites statistics showing that women are systematically underpaid and under-promoted. What do you d—
OWEN: Easy one. I interrupt with my anectodal impression that women are treated fairly. If anything, a little TOO fairly
BRET [taking notes]: Impressive
BRET: Question 2: Somebody questions the validity of using anecdotes in response to data. What do you—
OWEN: Get defensive and immediately double down on all claims. Keep repeating “ad hominem,” “civil discourse” and “free speech”
BRET: You might qualify for Platinum Elite status
BRET: Final question. Imagine that your boss is a woman—
OWEN: Unacceptable. She lacks leadership qualities and can’t make the tough decisions. Plus, she only got the job because she’s the hottest lady I’ve ever seen. She’s very attracted to me
BRET: Welcome to the Tusken Raiders
STORMTROOPER [banging on door]: OPEN UP IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR
OWEN: Come in, come in! I’m a huge fan of you guys
TROOPER: DOES SKYWALKER LIVE HERE
OWEN: He’s not home right now. This is my best friend Bret. Can I hold your blaster?
TROOPER: OKAY, EVERYBODY OUTSIDE
Many of these scenes were deleted in the Special Edition. But I remember
34) A burned-out Jawa dune buggy. Dead Jawas all over the place.

LUKE: They were ambushed by Sand People!
OBI-WAN: No, the Sand People are too disorganized for this. Look at those blaster hits: only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.
[R2-D2 looks directly at camera]
I don’t care how many weeks it takes or how many followers I lose, I *will* finish recapping this movie
35) Realizing that the Empire is hunting down his new robots, Luke rushes back home, only to find the bodies of Uncle Owen and what he **thinks** is Aunt Beru.
But we know better ;)
A truly terrific performance from @HamillHimself as Luke tries to process the fact that his entire family is now dead.
Little does he know that #AuntBeruLives and this is unalterable canon now and forevermore
36) Luke returns to the Jawa van.

LUKE: Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru have been murdered, and somebody drank the last of the manatee milk. There’s nothing for me here anymore. Let’s go save the galaxy
R2-D2: Beep borp meew
C-3PO: He says “Who invited him?”
OBI-WAN: Let’s go to Mos Eisley & get a rideshare to Alderaan
LUKE: Ugh! Mos Eisley used to be cool before the hipsters ruined it. I got this rad tat there. [shows his lower-back tattoo of Calvin peeing on a TIE fighter]
LUKE: [sigh] This planet used to be *known* for its tattoos
37) Mos Eisley Imperial customs checkpoint.

STORMTROOPER: Are you traveling for business or pleasure?
LUKE: Rebellion
OBI-WAN: PLEASURE
TROOPER: Are you carrying any droids or liquids
LUKE: 2 droids & this case of Zima
OBI-WAN: Dude, I can only erase their minds so many times
This thread has taken a hard pivot from childlike wonder to rewriting the entire script with bad jokes and I apologize to the childlike wonder people. Also we’re only like 40 minutes into the movie
38) An Imperial conference room.

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Admirals, allow me to introduce Lord Vader. He will be bullying you on my behalf
ADMIRAL #1: Wait, how do our ranks work again? We’re confused
TARKIN: It goes Emperor, then Grand Moff, then Petit Moff, then Lord, and then you
ADMIRAL #2: Vader? I’m not taking orders from that clown. He dresses like a BDSM samurai and his so-called “religion” is 90% strangling people
VADER: [strangles him]
TARKIN: Vader!
VADER: I’m sorry, but these prominent atheists think they’re so superior and it drives me up a wall
TARKIN: Lord Vader, tell them about your management style
VADER: First of all, I’m open to all of your ideas, so don’t be afraid to think outside the box. No wrong answers, no stupid questions
ADMIRAL #3: Can we have health care
VADER: [force-strangles him] Not a team player
39) Entrance to Mos Eisley cantina.

OBI-WAN: Here we will surely find transport to Alderaan
LUKE: You three have to wait outside. Robots aren’t allowed in the bar
OBI-WAN: Yeah but I’m not a robot
LUKE: Sure. Nice try, OB-1
40) Darth Vader arrives on the Death Star.

GENERAL: Welcome to the Death Star, my lord. We have reserved our gothest suite for your stay
VADER: Does it have a sinister meditation sphere?
GENERAL: We will have one brought to your room
VADER: And a fog machine. And a warm cookie
GENERAL: T-to what do we owe the p-pleasure of this unexpected visit, my lord?
DARTH VADER: I came here to chew bubblegum and force-strangle my own officers. And I can’t fit the gum through the little airholes in this mask
VADER: I am here to ensure that the Death Star is completed on schedule. I don’t care how many people I have to force-strangle, let’s get it done
GENERAL: B-but the Death Star was completed last week, my lord. It is fully operational
VADER [force-strangling him]: Wasted trip
41) Mos Eisley cantina. Luke and Obi-Wan enter.

BERU [handing them menus]: Welcome to the Mos Eisley Cantina & Grill, home of the Bloomin' Sarlacc.
LUKE: Aunt Beru, I thought you were dead!
BERU: "Aunt Beru" IS dead. I'm just Beru now, independent and free. Table or booth?
BERU: I'm earning money to attend the Academy, so I can be an X-wing pilot and defeat the Empire
LUKE: We're fighting the Empire too! OB-1 is some kind of robot knight, and there's a princess who's like 10 inches tall but SO pretty. Weird hair though. Today has been b a n a n a s
42) Han Solo’s booth.

OBI-WAN: We need to get to Alderaan, fast & sneaky
HAN: I’m your huckleberry. My ship did the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs 🚬
LUKE: But the parsec is a unit of distace!
HAN: Yeah. It’s a 15-parsec race. We took a shortcut
OBI-WAN: Hmm, fast AND sneaky
HAN: Go sell your landspeeder and meet us at the spaceport in 15. [Obi-Wan and Luke leave.]
CHEWBACCA: Rrawrar
HAN: That’s not true—I let you talk all the time! I just thought it would be simpler—
CHEWBACCA: Rrwrarrara
HAN: No, I *totally* value your contributions to the team 😑
HAN: Chewie, go settle up the check
CHEWIE: Wwraraarw
HAN: No way, I got it the last 2 times
CHEWIE: Rraawarwra
HAN: I don’t remember the exact dates! Scoundrels don’t keep records. Dig deep in that bandolier and find some money
CHEWIE [walking away]: Rawr
HAN: I HEARD THAT
Chewbacca comes back with Beru.

BERU: The big guy here says your ship needs a chief engineer. I repaired vaporators and droids—unpaid—for 25 years
HAN SOLO: Unpaid? 🤔
BERU: Oh no, YOU will pay me
HAN: [sigh] Fine, meet us on the ship
BERU [walking away]: Also, FYI, I don’t cook
43) A bounty hunter sits down across from Han Solo.

GREEDO: Oota goota, Solo?
HAN: What do YOU want?
GREEDO [in Huttese]: <Jabba put a bounty on your head. You are the worst smuggler of all time>
HAN: Let me go or I’ll have to shoot you
GREEDO: <Not if I shoot you first>
44) Chewie, Beru, Luke & Obi-Wan are waiting at the spaceport. Han Solo and Greedo come in, laughing.

HAN: You guys! Greedo shot me—
GREEDO: <and Han shot me at the exact same time>
HAN: —and we blew up each other’s blasters! So weird
GREEDO: <Anyway, we kind of bonded over it>
GREEDO [in Huttese]: <Greetings everyone! I wish to join your adventure>
HAN: She says Han Solo is the coolest smuggler in the outer rim
GREEDO: <I did NOT say that>
HAN: She says she’s a lousy bounty hunter lolol
[Greedo pulls a 2nd blaster & shoots Han]
HAN: Owww! That’s fair
45) On the Death Star

TARKIN: Where is the rebel base?
LEIA: I’ll never talk, swine. Nevah
TARKIN: Okay then, let’s drop by your home planet, Alderaan
LEIA: WHAT?! You DICK
TARKIN: For your sake, I hope you give up the base’s location as easily as you gave up your British accent
VADER: Captain, take us to Alderaan.
DEATH STAR CAPTAIN: B-but m-m-my lord
VADER:
CAPTAIN: There are no engines, no propulsion
VADER:
CAPTAIN: You told us to use all available space for, and I quote, “the biggest ass laser ever”
VADER [putting on strangling gloves]: One sec
VADER: 📢 All members of the Death Star design team that forgot to add a propulsion system—meet me in the large black conference room in 1 hour 📢

Later, on the Falcon:
OBI-WAN: I feel a disturbance in the Force, as if 20 architects cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced
OBI-WAN: Back to your training with the laser ball, young Luke.
GREEDO: <Tell him to put the helmet blast shield down. It’ll be funny>
OBI-WAN: Luke, lower your blast shield. You must learn to trust the Force [snort]
LUKE: Okay! ⚡️ OUCH ⚡️ OH IT STINGS ⚡️ OH WOW
GREEDO: <hee hee>
46) The destruction of Alderaan is a major downer so I have cancelled it. This recap has now saved millions of lives, including Beru, Greedo, and the Alderaanian royal family.
Am I a “hero”? It’s really not for me to say 🚬🕶
47) Halfway to Alderaan.

OBI-WAN: Pull over
HAN: Huh?
OBI-WAN: I’m sensing Force VIPs in the area
LUKE: Whoah—what’s THAT?
HAN: It’s a moon.
CHEWIE: Rwwggawwhh
HAN: Excuse me, I know a moon when I see one. I’ve been around the galaxy. I did the Kessel Run in—
EVERYONE: we knowww
48) Death Star bridge.

ENSIGN: Lord Vader, a ship has appeared
VADER: Capture it. Princess, your friends are here to rescue you. [puts hand to forehead] I sense Obi-Wan Kenobi and also... my son?
LEIA: This is gonna get complicated. #familydrama
VADER: Sister, you have no idea
VADER: For the last time: where is the rebel base?
LEIA: Oh, good
VADER: ?
LEIA: I'm glad
VADER: Glad about what
LEIA: That you'll never ask me again
VADER: No that's not what I—
[Leia turns off the "speaker" button on his chest panel]
VADER: ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ ᵐʸ ᵇᵘᵗᵗᵒⁿˢ
VADER: Do not trifle with me. They don't call me "Stranglin' Darth" for nothing
LEIA: Oh yeah? I'm so bad they made me a Princess, and Alderaan is a freakin democracy
[Leia pushes another button; Vader's helmet pops off]
VADER [scrambling for helmet]: Don't look
LEIA: Just tell me one thing. What does this button do? [points to his chest panel]
[Vader looks down; Leia boops his nose]
LEIA: b o o p
VADER: GUARDS, TAKE HER AWAY
LEIA [being dragged away]: Where's Tarkin? I forgot to tell him how bad he smells
49) On the Falcon.

OBI-WAN: The Force tells me Vader and Leia are on that space station!
HAN: Pshhh! I don't go for any of that hokey mystical crap. Just give me a blaster and a well-groomed Wookiee, and I can— [his coffee cup tips into his lap] Aww, goddammit
OBI-WAN: *snort*
OBI-WAN: Once we land, you will all go rescue Leia, while I disable the tractor beam & distract Vader with my light saber skills, which I'm sure are as sharp as ever
HAN SOLO: Okay but I have to change. These are my only pants that go with this vest, Mr. Funny Coffee Spiller Man
GREEDO [in Huttese]: <Y'all can rescue the princess—I'm gonna go blow up the Death Star>
BERU: That sounds like more fun, I'm with you
LUKE: What did she say?
BERU: How can you have lived your whole life on Tattooine & not learned a single word of Huttese. You're an embarrassment
50) The boys steal stormtrooper suits. Chewie elects to go with Greedo & Beru.

51) There's a funny scene with Han failing to bluff his way through a call to Security—Ford's only real laugh line in the movie
52) Luke rescues Leia, who 𝙞𝙢𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮 starts dragging him while striking queenly poses. Sibling mode: activated
53) Luke, Leia and Han are pinned down by blaster fire.

LEIA: We need a plan to get out of this mess
LUKE: I have more of a general ‘vision’ than a plan
HAN: I have a ‘look’ rather than a plan. A vibe, you might say
LEIA: Arrggghhhh okay here’s a plan: everybody into the trash
54) Leia, Han & Luke land in a room full of water and trash.

LUKE: We'll never escape! It's hopeless!
HAN: Oh great—garbage! And of COURSE I'm wearing my best pants
LEIA: 🙄 I'm gonna try to force that door open
HAN: No, wait—I know what we'll do. See that door? Let's open it
Meanwhile, a grotesque hairy eyestalk periscopes out of the garbage water, observes our heroes, and resubmerges unseen.
Another 'squeee' moment for 7-year-old me
Luke slips under the water.

HAN: I saw something huge down there! Luke! [starts firing blaster]
LEIA: WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING ATTT
HAN: I DON'T KNOWW
Luke re-emerges.
LUKE: I fell down into the yucky water and something helped me back up!
TRASH MONSTER [resurfacing]: Hi, everybody
TRASH MONSTER: Thank god you’re here! I’ve been trapped down here for hours!
LUKE: What are you doing in the garbage?
T.M.: I am a Dianoga. I was a stormtrooper-in-training but the other cadets threw me down here
LUKE: Well it’s very nice to meet you, Diana
DIANOGA: It’s Dianoga
[Clanking sounds]
DIANOGA: What was that?!
[Walls start closing in]
LEIA: Oh, come ON
LUKE: I know—I’ll use the Force! [concentrates hard]
A cartoon light saber appears.
FORCIE: Hi, I’m Forcie, the virtual Jedi assistant! It looks like you’re trying to use the Force—can I help?
FORCIE: Have you tried letting the Force flow through you?
LUKE: Yes! please help, the walls are closing in
FORCIE: Have you tried reaching out with your feelings?
LUKE: I think so? I really need you to stop the crushing walls
FORCIE: Now playing “Sugar Walls” by Sheena Easton 🎶
LEIA: Forcie, activate all garbage smashers on the detention level
HAN: Why would you—
LEIA: Shush, scruffy
FORCIE: Error—unable to comply. Some garbage smashers were already active. Rebooting entire sanitation system
[walls stop moving]
LEIA: Hmm, I like this “Force” thing 🤔
55) Meanwhile, in the Death Star executive washroom: Greedo is activating a timed detonator.

GREEDO: <What should I set the delay for? 15 minutes?>
BERU: How long will it take Luke & Solo to rescue Leia?
CHEWIE: Rrwrarrhwrar
GREEDO: <lol, good point> [sets timer for 72 hours]
56) Obi-Wan Kenobi finds the controls to deactivate the tractor beam.

OBI-WAN [muttering to himself]: ADA-compliant, my grizzled white ass
A cartoon light saber appears.

[loudly] Hi, I’m Forcie, your virtual Jedi assistant! It looks like you’re trying to evade detection—can I help with that?
OBI-WAN: Shhh shut it, you’re gonna get me killed
FORCIE: It looks like you’re trying to push me into a bottomless piiiiiiiᵗ
Introducing the new character “Forcie” made me omit the funniest scene (to me) in the movie: the garbage pail kids are cheering & yelling because they didn’t get squished, and C-3PO thinks they’re dying. That’s good situational comedy, which you almost never see in a star war
Another solid gag from this part of the movie: Han Solo scaring off a platoon of stormtroopers by just running straight at them and yelling his ass off
57) A corridor in the Death Star. Luke, Leia, Han, the Dianoga, and Forcie meet up with C-3PO, R2-D2, Aunt Beru, Chewbacca, and Greedo. I’ve added so many characters that there’s no room for dialogue in this scene
BERU: Let’s go! We set a timed detonator and we’ll have to fight our way back to the ship
HAN: Yeah, and also, we released about 15 Imperial tons of garbage water, which is pooling in the bottom of the Death Star. Or in the center. I’m not totally clear on how gravity works here
Oh wow, #StarWarsDay is Saturday. I better get a move on if I’m gonna finish by then. We have a LOT of x-wing pilot jokes to get through
58) The gang is boarding the Falcon.

LEIA: Oh look, Obi-Wan is swordfighting Darth Vader
LUKE: BENNNN!
OBI-WAN: What? I’m a little busy
LUKE: DID YOU DISABLE THE TRACTOR BEAM
OBI-WAN: What the hell is a a retractor bean? Beat it, kid. [parries]
LUKE: CAN I KEEP THE TRAINING BALL
LUKE [shouting]: BEN! I KNOW WE ONLY MET THIS MORNING BUT I CONSIDER YOU A FATHER FIGURE
DARTH VADER: Should we tell him?
OBI-WAN: Not a good time
VADER: Okay, but he seems like the kind of guy who will make a beeline for his own sister unless we explain everything in small words
VADER: Your fighting skills have diminished
OBI-WAN: As have yours
VADER: Well, I can’t jump around like I used to. [side eye]
OBI-WAN: [looks at watch] Wow, one minute
VADER: ?
OBI-WAN: I wondered how long it would take you to throw the whole legs-cutting-off incident in my face
OBI-WAN: You can’t win, Darth.
VADER: Lol, Darth isn’t my first name. It’s an honorary title
OBI-WAN: Like “Mayor of the Death Star”?
VADER: More like “The Amazing”.
OBI-WAN:
VADER: It sounds cooler in Sith-language
LUKE [shouting]: BEN! I WANT TO BE TRAINED AS A JEDI
DARTH VADER: He doesn’t realize you’re stalling me so he can escape
LUKE: BEN! WE’LL BE READY TO GO AS SOON AS WE GET DIANA THRU THE CARGO HATCH
DIANOGA: ”Dianoga”
OBI-WAN: GO WITHOUT ME! WE CAN TALK LATER WHEN I’M A GHOST
OBI-WAN: If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
VADER: That’s not how striking people down works, in my experience
OBI-WAN: I’ll become a force ghost. I’ll haunt your helmet
VADER: I used to be a Jedi. This sounds extremely made up to me
VADER: Here’s my classic finishing move—I call it “The Lumberjack.” Hiiii-yah!
OBI-WAN: Oh yeah? [disappears]
VADER: Omg, I hit him so hard I vaporized him
OBI-WAN’S GHOST: Technically, this fight was a draw
59) The gang escapes in the Falcon. Luke is shaken by Ben’s death.

HAN: You knew him for like 11 hours, kid, lighten up
LEIA: Aw, lay off, he’s sensitive
AUNT BERU: There, there, boy. If you had locked the robots in the garage like I told you, none of this would have happened
DIANOGA: Cheer up, Luke. No one’s ever really gone.
LUKE: That’s so true. I’ll have to remember that. [sniff] Thanks, Diana
DIANOGA: It’s Dianoga. And that’s the name of my species; my personal name is Zxemm.
LUKE: Thanks Jim. [hugs] You’re a wonderful garbage monster
I forgot to say this before, but: “spoilers”
Here’s a link to the top of this recap thread. It’s out of scrolling distance at this point
60) Somehow the gang ends up at Rebel HQ, where they deliver the Death Star plans. In my memory Mon Mothma gives the pilots’ briefing, but this gif suggests that must be wrong and Mothma appears in episode VI. So many Death Stars, so many briefings
Ahh to hell with it, I’m keeping Mon Mothma in this version because that’s how I remembered it. Also because Mothma is a retro-futuristic Roman style icon. Many Bothans died to bring us these bold looks for spring
61) Rebel pilot briefing.

BEARDED GENERAL: So this the Death Star, and we want you folks to blow it up. As you can see, it’s a sphere—
MON MOTHMA [storming in dramatically]: Did somebody say “blow up the Death Star”?
MON MOTHMA: Welcome to the briefing. Squadron leaders, sound off
X-WING LEADER: We’re here, not that anybody noticed
MILLENNIAL-WING LEADER: Nothing matters lol
Z-WING LEADER: [shares a TikTok that nobody understands]
BABY-BOOMER-WING LEADER: Why weren’t we seated in the front
Thank you to the one person who faved the above tweet just before I shame-deleted it
MON MOTHMA: The Death Star’s weak spot is a ventilation port, only 2 meters across
LUKE: No problem, I used to torpedo womp-rats that size all the time!
BERU: Those were sand-whales, and you never hit any
MOTHMA: Also, the torpedoes will need to make a sharp 90° turn
LUKE: 😨
MON MOTHMA: The best approach is via a trench that runs around the Death Star.
CHEWIE: Rrwrarrawr
HAN SOLO: Yeah, in the trench they’ll be hidden from the surface cannons. Pretty smart
MON MOTHMA: No, the trench is actually chock-full of cannons. Absolutely bristling with guns
RIP Peter Mayhew
I have a plan to definitely definitely finish the movie by tomorrow (May the Fourth):

scene 61 pilot briefing
62 han-luke brodown
63 pilot chatter
64 dogfight
65 falcon saves luke
66 kaboom, vader escapes
67 throne room, medals
68 bonus scene
69 end credits (nice)
Y-WING LEADER: Everybody, let’s get out there & blow up the Death Star, and the Empire will be defeated!
MON MOTHMA: I love your energy, Patrick, but we’ve already blown up 7 or 8 Death Stars. They keep making them slightly bigger and rebranding them. They used to be Menace Orbs
62) Han and Chewie are loading the Falcon.

LUKE: You’re taking off, huh?
HAN: Yeah, I got my 20 cases of Kahlua & a lifetime supply of cargo vests so I’m gonna bounce
LUKE: We could use your help fighting the Empire
HAN: Well, there are good people on both sides of that issue
HAN: Hey Luke. May the Force be with you, or whatever
LUKE: It just sounds dorky if you don’t mean it. [leaves]
CHEWBACCA [under his breath]: Rrgawrwargahr
HAN: I’m gonna go ask C-3PO what a “gormless craven centrist” is, and if it’s insulting, the two of us are gonna have words
63) X-Wings in formation.

LUKE: Red 5, standing by
BIGGS: Red 2, standing by
WEDGE: Red 3, standing by
AUNT BERU: Beru, standing by
DIANOGA: Trash Monster, standing by
WORF: Today is a good day to die
ARYA STARK: Laser ‘em with the pointy end
RED LEADER: Look out Porkins—TIE fighters on your tail
LUKE: His name is PERKINS. Come on people, we're supposed to be the good guys
BIGGS: Heads up Porkins! They're on your 6
PERKINS: I'm transferring to the Y-wings. A much less toxic squadron, and their afterparties are sick
OBI-WAN'S FORCE GHOST: Luuuuke
LUKE: WHAT THE HELL 😱
R2-D2: [freaked-out beeps and boops]
RED LEADER: Cut the chatter, Red Five
LUKE: Sorry! There's a lot going on over here
TIE fighters attack Luke's X-wing.
LUKE: AAAAHHHHHH
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Luke, trust your feelings
LUKE: My feelings are AAAAHHHHHH
BERU: I keep telling you guys, Greedo planted a detonator on the Death Star—it's gonna blow up in 4 minutes. Let's just keep them distracted
LUKE: Okay everybody, I'm going into the trench to blow up the Death Star now. Galaxy, prepare to get saved
RED LEADER: There goes a hero
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Luke, turn off your targeting computer. Go analog dude
LUKE: Yeah but I feel like these kinds of split-second precise calculations are exactly what computers are best suited for
O.W.G.: Trust your instinctssss
LUKE: My instincts are heavily pro-computer right now
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Luke, turn off your computer. You young people are slaves to technology. There's a whole world out there
LUKE: Yeah but
O.W.G.: Turn everything off. Go to a museum or something. Eat a peach
[A cartoon light saber appears.]
FORCIE: Hi!
LUKE: This is a nightmare
64) Death Star control room.
[Announcement] Rebel base will be in range in 4 minutes
DARTH VADER: Ugh this is so boring. I hate waiting. You there—go prepare my ship
LIEUTENANT: Your ship, my lord?
VADER: You can't miss it. it's like a TIE fighter, but slightly more rad
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Vader's behind you
LUKE: Go bother him! I'm trying to concentrate
[Obi-Wan's ghost appears in Vader's ship]
O.W.G.: Guess who's back / Back again / Obi's back / With a friend
FORCIE: Hi! It looks like you're trying to use the dark side of the Force :(
VADER: NOOO
65) The Millennium Falcon appears and fires on Vader’s ship.

GREEDO: Woota goota!!
CHEWBACCA: Rrawwrr
VADER: I’m outie [escapes]
LUKE: Where’s Han?
GREEDO: <There was a difference of opinion. He said he was “neutral” & refused to fight the Empire, so we dropped him off on Endor>
66)
RED LEADER: We’re all clear, Luke. Get in there and blow this Death Star to hell! [plays loud rock music]
LUKE: Where’s the port? It’s not where I expected it to be. I guess I’ll just start firing torpedoes everywhere
LEIA [over radio]: Beru, Greedo, help the boy out
GREEDO: <We’d better get out of here. My detonator will go off in a few seconds>
LUKE: I just need another minute [wildly fires torpedoes]
GRAND MOFF TARKIN [in Death Star executive washroom]: Hmm, this fancy new hand dryer is ticking.
DEATH STAR: KABOOOOOM
LUKE: YESSSS I DID IT
Happy #StarWarsDay!
67) Throne room.

YOUNG HOLDO: Presenting His Royal Highness, King Organa of Alderaan!

KING ORGANA: You’re all amazing Rebel superstars and we appreciate you so much! Everybody look under your seats.
[pointing] YOU get a medal and YOU get a medal and YOU get a medal 🏅
68) Bonus scene: party in the Y-wing hangar.

LUKE: Congratulations on winning the star war! [goes in for a kiss]
LEIA: [uses the Force to evade kiss] Thanks. But you know how these evil ding dongs are. If we’re not careful they’ll be back with the same old crap under a new name
(just a couple more tweets and it’s over, I promise)
GREEDO and BERU joined CHEWBACCA’s crew on the Falcon. They liked smuggling, and they found combing Chewie’s fur relaxing. They eventually rescued HAN SOLO from Endor.
PERKINS took command of the X-Wing Squadron and slowly improved its toxic culture.
LUKE & the DIANOGA became best friends and had many adventures until Zxemm retired to the garbage-planet of Yik.
PRINCESS LEIA continued to study the Force & became a powerful Jedi Knight under the training of OBI-WAN’S GHOST, assisted by FORCIE. Luke & Leia never kissed.
THE END
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