If anyone knows any reason why this should not happen, speak now or #force yourself to enjoy it
Disclaimer: I haven’t seen Star Wars in a few years. These are my memories and impressions, which are 100% valid and factually correct so don’t AT-AT me. Star Wars joke
What’s this? A planet. A spaceship. It’s shooting lasers! PEW PEW this is already, by a country mile, the greatest movie I’ve ever seen
This movie keeps blowing my seven year old mind, sweeping up the pieces and blowing THEM up
[Plane taking off now, be back soon]
You’d almost think SHE’S the hero hahaha jk I can wait for the real hero
ENSIGN: Whoa, an escape pod just left
ENSIGN: No life signs on it, just some robots or computer equipment
LT [lights cigarette]: Let it go and keep looking for those digitized secret plans. Floppy disks, thumb drives etc
*I have since grown up and learned things
LUKE: What. [sulks]
OWEN: Check the moisture things
LUKE: Whatever, this is a total desert, we never get any but fine, whatever
OWEN: I can’t hear you
LUKE: whatEVERRR [kicks sand]
21) Uncle Owen wants to visit the tiny monks and buy a robot butler that can talk to the moisture ’vaporators and ask them to stop EVAPORATING the moisture and start CONDENSING it
UNCLE OWEN: Hey you—can you speak to moisture vaporators?
C-3PO: You mean, can I speak binary? Lol yeah, it’s like the easiest language. Zero, one 💅
OWEN: Monks, I’ll take the annoying butler and the lil red one.
[Red robot explodes]
OWEN: What’s your return policy
UNCLE OWEN: Luke, take these robots home and get ‘em cleaned up
LUKE: But I was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!
OWEN: Pick up some what?
OWEN: Why would you need—
LUKE: Fine, I’m buying porn
LUKE: You two are all dinged up and filthy, you must have traveled a lot
C-3PO: Yes, but weirdly enough I was born just a few miles from here. You see, there was this young lad named Skyw—
LUKE: Anyway, I’m a just humble farm boy but I wish to fly away
LEIA: Help me Obi-Wan Keno—
LUKE: Holy cow, she’s beautiful
LEIA: You’re my only ho—
LUKE: Wowee, what a knockout. She’s like a Tattooine 10. Hubba hubba
LEIA: Can I finish
[Hologram of Princess Leia ends]
C-3PO: So what are you going to do?
LUKE: About what? I wasn’t listening
C-3PO: We have to bring this Obi-Wan guy to Alderaan—
LUKE: Her voice was shrill and hard to listen to. She could smile more. And what’s with the white robe. Unlikeable
R2-D2: Boop blorp
C-3PO: He says the restraining bolt is uncomfortable and it deadens his sensations
R2-D2: Bleep bop woooo
C-3PO: He says it hurts. [rolls eyes] Just ignore him
[Luke removes bolt]
[R2-D2 falls asleep]
LUKE: What the—
C-3PO: Every bloody time. Smh
LUKE: Aunt Beru, this blue milk is delicious
BERU: Yes, we have it imported from giant manatees halfway across the galaxy. Meanwhile we are forced to condense our own water from the dry desert air for some reason [glares at Owen]
OWEN: Don’t start with the manatees again
LUKE: The two new robots will help you
OWEN: Uh have you *met* those two knuckleheads?
BERU: The so-called “harvest” is like 2 liters of water. A Roomba could collect it
TUSKEN RAIDER 1: Debate us, cowards
T.R. 2: Yeah, debate us!
OBI WAN: Luke, whatever you do, don’t engage in ‘rational discourse’ with them. It never ends
T.R. 1: We have rights, you know
T.R. 2: Yeah, rights!
T.R. 1: If you leave, we win
OWEN: You betcha! Would you like purple honey or blue manatee milk in your tea, Mr. Sand Person?
SAND PERSON: Both. And please call me Bret. Oh, this is scrumptious
OWEN: Easy one. I interrupt with my anectodal impression that women are treated fairly. If anything, a little TOO fairly
BRET [taking notes]: Impressive
OWEN: Get defensive and immediately double down on all claims. Keep repeating “ad hominem,” “civil discourse” and “free speech”
BRET: You might qualify for Platinum Elite status
OWEN: Come in, come in! I’m a huge fan of you guys
TROOPER: DOES SKYWALKER LIVE HERE
OWEN: He’s not home right now. This is my best friend Bret. Can I hold your blaster?
TROOPER: OKAY, EVERYBODY OUTSIDE
LUKE: They were ambushed by Sand People!
OBI-WAN: No, the Sand People are too disorganized for this. Look at those blaster hits: only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.
[R2-D2 looks directly at camera]
But we know better ;)
LUKE: Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru have been murdered, and somebody drank the last of the manatee milk. There’s nothing for me here anymore. Let’s go save the galaxy
R2-D2: Beep borp meew
C-3PO: He says “Who invited him?”
LUKE: Ugh! Mos Eisley used to be cool before the hipsters ruined it. I got this rad tat there. [shows his lower-back tattoo of Calvin peeing on a TIE fighter]
LUKE: [sigh] This planet used to be *known* for its tattoos
STORMTROOPER: Are you traveling for business or pleasure?
TROOPER: Are you carrying any droids or liquids
LUKE: 2 droids & this case of Zima
OBI-WAN: Dude, I can only erase their minds so many times
GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Admirals, allow me to introduce Lord Vader. He will be bullying you on my behalf
ADMIRAL #1: Wait, how do our ranks work again? We’re confused
TARKIN: It goes Emperor, then Grand Moff, then Petit Moff, then Lord, and then you
VADER: [strangles him]
VADER: I’m sorry, but these prominent atheists think they’re so superior and it drives me up a wall
VADER: First of all, I’m open to all of your ideas, so don’t be afraid to think outside the box. No wrong answers, no stupid questions
ADMIRAL #3: Can we have health care
VADER: [force-strangles him] Not a team player
GENERAL: Welcome to the Death Star, my lord. We have reserved our gothest suite for your stay
VADER: Does it have a sinister meditation sphere?
GENERAL: We will have one brought to your room
VADER: And a fog machine. And a warm cookie
DARTH VADER: I came here to chew bubblegum and force-strangle my own officers. And I can’t fit the gum through the little airholes in this mask
GENERAL: B-but the Death Star was completed last week, my lord. It is fully operational
VADER [force-strangling him]: Wasted trip
BERU [handing them menus]: Welcome to the Mos Eisley Cantina & Grill, home of the Bloomin' Sarlacc.
LUKE: Aunt Beru, I thought you were dead!
BERU: "Aunt Beru" IS dead. I'm just Beru now, independent and free. Table or booth?
LUKE: We're fighting the Empire too! OB-1 is some kind of robot knight, and there's a princess who's like 10 inches tall but SO pretty. Weird hair though. Today has been b a n a n a s
OBI-WAN: We need to get to Alderaan, fast & sneaky
HAN: I’m your huckleberry. My ship did the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs 🚬
LUKE: But the parsec is a unit of distace!
HAN: Yeah. It’s a 15-parsec race. We took a shortcut
OBI-WAN: Hmm, fast AND sneaky
HAN: She says Han Solo is the coolest smuggler in the outer rim
GREEDO: <I did NOT say that>
HAN: She says she’s a lousy bounty hunter lolol
[Greedo pulls a 2nd blaster & shoots Han]
HAN: Owww! That’s fair
TARKIN: Where is the rebel base?
LEIA: I’ll never talk, swine. Nevah
TARKIN: Okay then, let’s drop by your home planet, Alderaan
LEIA: WHAT?! You DICK
TARKIN: For your sake, I hope you give up the base’s location as easily as you gave up your British accent
Am I a “hero”? It’s really not for me to say 🚬🕶
OBI-WAN: Pull over
OBI-WAN: I’m sensing Force VIPs in the area
LUKE: Whoah—what’s THAT?
HAN: It’s a moon.
HAN: Excuse me, I know a moon when I see one. I’ve been around the galaxy. I did the Kessel Run in—
EVERYONE: we knowww
ENSIGN: Lord Vader, a ship has appeared
VADER: Capture it. Princess, your friends are here to rescue you. [puts hand to forehead] I sense Obi-Wan Kenobi and also... my son?
LEIA: This is gonna get complicated. #familydrama
VADER: Sister, you have no idea
LEIA: Oh yeah? I'm so bad they made me a Princess, and Alderaan is a freakin democracy
[Leia pushes another button; Vader's helmet pops off]
VADER [scrambling for helmet]: Don't look
[Vader looks down; Leia boops his nose]
LEIA: b o o p
VADER: GUARDS, TAKE HER AWAY
LEIA [being dragged away]: Where's Tarkin? I forgot to tell him how bad he smells
51) There's a funny scene with Han failing to bluff his way through a call to Security—Ford's only real laugh line in the movie
LUKE: Yes! please help, the walls are closing in
FORCIE: Have you tried reaching out with your feelings?
LUKE: I think so? I really need you to stop the crushing walls
FORCIE: Now playing “Sugar Walls” by Sheena Easton 🎶
HAN: Why would you—
LEIA: Shush, scruffy
FORCIE: Error—unable to comply. Some garbage smashers were already active. Rebooting entire sanitation system
[walls stop moving]
LEIA: Hmm, I like this “Force” thing 🤔
GREEDO: <What should I set the delay for? 15 minutes?>
BERU: How long will it take Luke & Solo to rescue Leia?
GREEDO: <lol, good point> [sets timer for 72 hours]
OBI-WAN [muttering to himself]: ADA-compliant, my grizzled white ass
HAN: Yeah, and also, we released about 15 Imperial tons of garbage water, which is pooling in the bottom of the Death Star. Or in the center. I’m not totally clear on how gravity works here
LEIA: Oh look, Obi-Wan is swordfighting Darth Vader
OBI-WAN: What? I’m a little busy
LUKE: DID YOU DISABLE THE TRACTOR BEAM
OBI-WAN: What the hell is a a retractor bean? Beat it, kid. [parries]
LUKE: CAN I KEEP THE TRAINING BALL
DARTH VADER: Should we tell him?
OBI-WAN: Not a good time
VADER: Okay, but he seems like the kind of guy who will make a beeline for his own sister unless we explain everything in small words
VADER: Lol, Darth isn’t my first name. It’s an honorary title
OBI-WAN: Like “Mayor of the Death Star”?
VADER: More like “The Amazing”.
VADER: It sounds cooler in Sith-language
VADER: That’s not how striking people down works, in my experience
OBI-WAN: I’ll become a force ghost. I’ll haunt your helmet
VADER: I used to be a Jedi. This sounds extremely made up to me
OBI-WAN: Oh yeah? [disappears]
VADER: Omg, I hit him so hard I vaporized him
OBI-WAN’S GHOST: Technically, this fight was a draw
HAN: You knew him for like 11 hours, kid, lighten up
LEIA: Aw, lay off, he’s sensitive
AUNT BERU: There, there, boy. If you had locked the robots in the garage like I told you, none of this would have happened
LUKE: That’s so true. I’ll have to remember that. [sniff] Thanks, Diana
DIANOGA: It’s Dianoga. And that’s the name of my species; my personal name is Zxemm.
LUKE: Thanks Jim. [hugs] You’re a wonderful garbage monster
BEARDED GENERAL: So this the Death Star, and we want you folks to blow it up. As you can see, it’s a sphere—
MON MOTHMA [storming in dramatically]: Did somebody say “blow up the Death Star”?
LUKE: No problem, I used to torpedo womp-rats that size all the time!
BERU: Those were sand-whales, and you never hit any
MOTHMA: Also, the torpedoes will need to make a sharp 90° turn
scene 61 pilot briefing
62 han-luke brodown
63 pilot chatter
65 falcon saves luke
66 kaboom, vader escapes
67 throne room, medals
68 bonus scene
69 end credits (nice)
MON MOTHMA: I love your energy, Patrick, but we’ve already blown up 7 or 8 Death Stars. They keep making them slightly bigger and rebranding them. They used to be Menace Orbs
LUKE: It just sounds dorky if you don’t mean it. [leaves]
CHEWBACCA [under his breath]: Rrgawrwargahr
HAN: I’m gonna go ask C-3PO what a “gormless craven centrist” is, and if it’s insulting, the two of us are gonna have words
LUKE: Red 5, standing by
BIGGS: Red 2, standing by
WEDGE: Red 3, standing by
AUNT BERU: Beru, standing by
DIANOGA: Trash Monster, standing by
WORF: Today is a good day to die
ARYA STARK: Laser ‘em with the pointy end
LUKE: His name is PERKINS. Come on people, we're supposed to be the good guys
BIGGS: Heads up Porkins! They're on your 6
PERKINS: I'm transferring to the Y-wings. A much less toxic squadron, and their afterparties are sick
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Luke, trust your feelings
LUKE: My feelings are AAAAHHHHHH
LUKE: Okay everybody, I'm going into the trench to blow up the Death Star now. Galaxy, prepare to get saved
RED LEADER: There goes a hero
GREEDO: Woota goota!!
VADER: I’m outie [escapes]
LUKE: Where’s Han?
GREEDO: <There was a difference of opinion. He said he was “neutral” & refused to fight the Empire, so we dropped him off on Endor>
LUKE: I just need another minute [wildly fires torpedoes]
GRAND MOFF TARKIN [in Death Star executive washroom]: Hmm, this fancy new hand dryer is ticking.
DEATH STAR: KABOOOOOM
LUKE: YESSSS I DID IT
PERKINS took command of the X-Wing Squadron and slowly improved its toxic culture.
PRINCESS LEIA continued to study the Force & became a powerful Jedi Knight under the training of OBI-WAN’S GHOST, assisted by FORCIE. Luke & Leia never kissed.