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Hello! I am feeling opinionated today and I think we all know what that means...


I will keep my DM open for the next ninety minutes. If you have a problem in your life you would like me to take an ill-advised run at, send it.
I will scrape off the identifying details and answer it on my timeline.

As always, if you ask me car-repair questions, please realize I believe my car is powered by steroid-addled guinea pigs.
Mentors are tricky. You kind of want them to arrive because they sense they are needed, like Mary Poppins, because walking up to someone and saying "Will you be my mentor?" seems like a fast path to a TRO.
But if you read the actual Mary Poppins books, she was a sadist who would create these surreal experiences and then afterwards when the Banks children talked about them, would deny it. All this to say, perhaps asking is the better route.

So, how and whom to ask?
Most people who are comics or writers are unemployed, underemployed, angry or some combination of the three. I have known writers and comics virtually my entire life and have exactly one writer in my life I consider a mentor.
It may not be realistic to expect to find a mentor who is in that field. So what do you do? You look at what isn't working right now in your life and find several smaller mentors. Let's call them mentettes? Mini-ments?

Let's stick with mentors.
You're having a hard time getting motivated? Find someone who has started a business. You're hating getting up at open mics? Find another comic and hold each other accountable for two a week. You're writing and you have no idea if what you're writing works? Writer's group.
If you can't find the writer's group which works for you, you have to create it. In fact, all of this is work you can start doing, today.

Something to consider; "I'm looking around, trying to find my mentor" is a marvelous way of avoiding getting work done.
Used it many times myself.

Get back to work.
Oh, I feel you, mostly because I despise Facebook. The minute @ericgarland described it as "Russian malware distributed by your relatives," he finally gave me permission to cut the cord. I think the question becomes, "Why do you hate them putting up your pictures?"
If the answer is something like, "I have an abusive ex and I'm terrified he's going to start stalking me again," you get to write a sternly worded letter to every single person who keeps doing this to tell them to cut this the fuck out.
If it's more of a "I really hate more pictures of myself on the Internet and why did you choose the one where I'm sneezing?" I feel you, but you have to decide if this is a hill worthy of death. People who love Facebook do not understand not wanting to be on there.
You've asked them nicely and it continues because for them Facebook is somewhere between home and church, and who doesn't love home and church?
From where I stand, you have two choices:

1. Your husband keeps policing these Facebook fans, getting your pictures taken down,
2. You send out a blind email to everyone who keeps doing this, and ask them, again, "Please do not put my picture up."
The second one is going to lead to hurt feelings. You have insulted their church. You may be dealing with the repercussions of this longer than you would have liked. This might be worth it to you. It might not. Only you know.

I would do the second one, but I'm antisocial.
If you are a person who hates creating awkwardness, let me frame this in a way where you might feel better. We all live online now. If someone came up to you every few days and punched you in the shoulder, even after you asked them nicely not to, you would stop asking nicely.
They are infringing on your personal space and they refuse to respect that you do not want them to.

You may be a little less polite.
I want you to ask yourself why you don't want to do this thing. I mean, you have every right not to do a thing even though you're good at it but why, exactly, is your back up against it?
A little story:

Consort's friend "Bryan" is the funniest man Consort knows.

(I am the funniest woman he knows)

Bryan is effortlessly funny, and FAST, creating characters and situations without turning a hair. It comes breathtakingly easy to him. Therefore, he writes...dramas.
He writes sincere, heartfelt, carefully-structured, lifeless dramas. He isn't designed to write dramas, he's supposed to write great comedy, but since it comes so easily he treats his comic genius with the affectionate contempt of someone who returns your texts too quickly.
Why do you dislike this idea? Is it too obvious, does it come too easily, would you be working for people you hate, is it something your uncle did for a living and he got really bitter in his sixties? All of these are strong reasons, but maybe not good ones.
"Lots of people want me to do it" is not a reason to do a job. This isn't their life, it's yours. But throwing something away for reasons you can't exactly articulate isn't a great idea, either. I suspect you're ambivalent, otherwise, you wouldn't have written to me.
Take this time to research what your feelings are. When you know, you will be comfortable in saying, "This is not for me," or "Turns out, this might be for me."
As if from a great distance. All that behavior you despised, which screwed up the office, which led to multiple emails with HR? It's all about to go away. This person is Dead Man Walking, and they do not know. You might even find some small humor in it:
"Ah, the unwanted shoulder rub. You, I will miss least of all."
You had a life together that may not have been perfect, but it was there and now, it is not. You have left a world of the two of you, a world you have lived in for over 20 years. Even if there is some relief now, there is also loss.
There's a reason "The rebound person" is usually a synonym for "A temporary and slightly ill-advised decision." We were two, and then we are one and there are all these torn edges longing to not be flapping in the breeze and BEHOLD, a new other half!
This is how people date drummers.
Let me dredge out the Folklore classes I took; you are in the liminal state. You are no longer married, but neither do you feel exactly single. Human beings hate the liminal state and will do anything to speed it along. You, instinctively, know you aren't ready to love again.
But you, understandably, want to know when the liminal state ends. The frustrating answer is, it ends when it ends. You will grieve and recover and at some point, you will be mostly done. Until then, treat this time as an opportunity to figure out what you like.
When one is part of a couple, even if the other person is completely amenable to all of your whims and wishes, you compromise. Sometimes, you compromise a lot. Now, you don't need to compromise, or explain, or apologize for anything you want to do, or eat, or see.
Take this time to find all the parts of yourself you have misplaced.
Brought in MBA/Consort on this one, here is what he says:

1. Credit card companies (all financial institutions) are not your friend. They exist to move money from your balance sheet to their balance sheet. Any incentives they offer benefit them more than they benefit you.
2. This is especially true with large purchases. The bigger the loan the more interest they collect over time. Assuming the interest rate is equal across both cards, and the card issuer can't arbitrarily bump the rate (which they do ALL THE TIME), you have a choice:
3. Do you go through the hassle of switching the purchase, which may or may not be feasible; or do you say goodbye to the discount you might get using the new card? You don't say how big a discount you'll get but is it really worth the hours of time you'll spend getting it?
4. What is your time worth? (The B-School term is "opportunity cost"). Remember, time is constantly evaporating. You don't get it back. Assuming you succeed at this effort, will it be worth not doing whatever else you might have done instead, and I'm including a GoT binge here.
5. Then you'll need to calculate your odds of success. Will the new card issuer accept the new purchase under the terms of the discount? Will the previous card issuer cancel the transaction? Will there be a fee for this? Can you even do this? NewCard might not issue the discount.
6. Again, because I don't know the size of the discount (savings) I'll leave it to you to determine the opportunity cost. Any time spent sticking it to a credit card company is time well spent. Just know that they have an army of experts working hard to stick it to you.
@Manglewood, any thoughts?
Controversial take in 3, 2...

Meyers-Briggs is mostly junk.

Now, on to the question of "How not to take a person who has seen me naked actions personally?"

It's hard. The silence feels personal, because it is. It's happening to you.
Maybe he doesn't respond to anyone quickly but even if that's true, he's seen you naked; that should count for something, right? Texting sucks in part because you can't pick up on tone; which mood is this "Fine"? Add in long distance and the silence makes you feel adrift.
Sweeping gender take in 3,2...

Men don't realize what silence does to the female brain. You're creating castles in the air filled with pliant young women he is currently cavorting with and he's all "Nothing is going on, I'll text her when I have something to say."
But you don't know that. What your feeling has nothing to do with your series of letters meeting his series of letters, it has to do with you feeling insecure. If he has given you reason to not trust him, that's something to consider and deal with.
If he hasn't given you reason not to trust him and this is a remnant left over from some previous faithless wretch, that is something to consider and deal with.
If you have told him the silence makes you nuts and he hasn't changed his behavior, even to just text "Feeling quiet, will text by Friday," that is something to consider and deal with.
If you have been torturing yourself and he has no idea, that is something to consider and deal with.
All this to say, you need to determine what you can change. Once you change that, see how you feel and move forward.
I’ve got a man trying to get into 30 year old pants by making up a crazy ex.
I think you are very conflicted right now. You feel as if you're (holds hand at waist) here and he's (hand stretched over head) there, which is not actually true and not hugely relevant. He was born on third base, you're going through some stuff.
If he's to be a person in your life, not a father, but someone with whom you share some genes and maybe an outlook, that shouldn't matter.

"I don't want him to think I'm only interested in getting money."

I'm intrigued by the word "Only."
"I don't want him to think I'm interested in getting money," but that one added word implies you think that may, at some point, be something you could ask for.

Maybe you can, but it changes the dynamic going in the door and every step thereafter. That's hard request to undo.
I would suggest that for the moment, you told two diametrically opposing viewpoints regarding this person. If you are going to meet him, you should do it with no expectations whatsoever. You are a person, meeting a person. No expectations. Just information gathering.
Simultaneously, I want you to have a rule for yourself. An expectation, if you will. Something like, "I will be honest," or "I will take the high road," or something equally simple. Your life began in a certain amount of chaos, to people who weren't ready.
Let this first meeting be simple, honest and honorable. That way, no matter what happens, no matter how you two come to be in each other's lives (or not), you can honestly say to yourself, "I am proud of how I behaved."
This is one of those Pointless Spousal Discussions which can be neither won nor lost, as it is based on something you both may literally see differently. In the case of the PSD, whoever cares less, loses.
Unless there is a shirt you dearly love she is refusing to let you wear in public,I say let her have this one and conserve your energy for some PSD which matters deeply to you.
Once again today, I feel the need to bring Consort in on this.

Take it away, Consort!
1. Hmmm. I've certainly worked with NDAs but I've never dealt with a non-disparagement clause so any advice I might have is based entirely on common sense -- as opposed to legal sense, which is a different animal, as we all know.
2. I'm guessing it's s a "mutual" non-disparagement agreement and it includes a time-frame, typically a year or two. In general, this means you can't say shit about them and they can't say shit about you. All things considered, not a bad deal. If it's unilateral, less so.
3. Either way, this only becomes actionable (they can take legal action against you) if you overtly violate the agreement. As a practical matter, they'd have to prove you broke the terms of the contract -- that you said or wrote shit about them in public.
4. If you wrote something bad, that's easy to prove. So don't do that. If you say something bad, they'll need a witnesses which is more of a hurdle. If you tell a potential hire that you left Company A because of a legitimate problem, that's not a public act.
5. At the same time, the company you're joining will probably have its own NDA language. As a rule, any firm that expects new hires to sign agreements will expect new hires to honor them. So the question now becomes: what do you gain by telling the whole truth?
6. I suggest you come clean about the limitations imposed by your existing NDA and explain that you "take such agreements seriously." At the same time, you might add something like: "For me to go into details about why I'm leaving, might violate the terms of non-disparagement."
7. At which point you could gag yourself with a finger, choke yourself to death or act out a fiendish sexual groping. You might consider a well rehearsed pantomime of the reasons you are no longer with Company A.
As long as you don't speak it or write it you're probably okay.
8. A final note: If I were giving this advice to a close friend or family member, I'd stop after #6.
They may appear to be cats, in that they groom themselves, they meow and really want you to look at their butts. What they are, in fact, is every single unfinished emotion you had with your father.

"I already disappointed my father enough when he was alive."
That's a big saddle to put on two small mammals.
I want you to read back what you wrote to me. What you are doing for them is enough. You are enough. You were the best possible son you could have been to your father and if you are currently thinking, "Quinn doesn't know me..." I give you exhibit A; those cats.
You are caring for things for whom you have very complicated emotions because they still deserve it.

You deserve to extend yourself the same kindness.
You also deserve to take this pool of grief which has grown stagnant and strange to someone who will help you label it and move on.
You may decide after some time with a therapist that they aren't your cats, but they deserve to have that decision made when they're just cats and nothing more than that.
I always like the fairy tale RUMPLESTILTSKIN very much. As I got older I realized that it made sense to me; if you can name something, you hold power over it. The minute something (in the news or otherwise) bothers me, I start looking for the metaphor or the joke.
If I find the metaphor or the joke, it's as if I have trapped the news in amber. I can look at it, but it can't hurt me.
You want to create art.


You want to create art for a living.

Probably not realistic.

I say this not because I know your work but because there are a finite amount of walls and there are a great many photographers and because I live in Los Angeles and artists are poor.
So, now what? Are you going to stop creating art? I hope not, as you said it is part of your therapy and why would you throw away a chance to keep getting better?

"But, my camera," you correctly note.

Okay, dead camera.

Not dead artist.
You can be flattened by this or you can decide that the military taught you a bunch of things and one of them was how to handle yourself in battle when everything goes tits-up. There's always a fix, there's always a work-around.

Well, life is a battle. You are facing some shit.
Try this on for size; maybe the Universe isn't telling you to stop creating art so much as telling you to use limitations to expand yourself in new ways.

What if you use your phone? What if you create a pinhole camera? What if you borrow a friend's camera for a month?
Go find the movie TANGERINE. The director had no money. He shot that thing on a damn phone.

Artists are in pain unless they create. You don't have to be in pain. The limitations will first annoy you, and then they will give you gifts you can't even imagine yet.
I quote Stephen Sondheim:

Isn't it nice to know a lot. And a little bit, not.

As my former boss, the febrile but brilliant Susan Smith used to say when someone was suddenly terrible, "Now you know with whom you're having the pleasure."
You did the right thing, letting her know your plans. She did the right thing, she wished you well. And then the devil on her shoulder, for reasons you may never know and she may not fully understand, told her to screw you over. You thought you were knew her. You did.
Now you know more.

What to do with this new information?

Depends. She has betrayed your trust in real, meaningful, maybe irreparable ways. But a mentor doesn't have to be perfect, they have to be useful.
For instance, I have terrible sinuses. I want the best ENT doctor I can get. Do I have to like her? No, I do not. I have to breathe, quickly. Is this person someone you can put into the category of "Has a lot of information I need but we aren't friends"?
She betrayed you. You thought she was better than that.

She isn't.

You are allowed to grieve for the relationship you thought you had and coldly consider whether there's anything left for you in the relationship you would have.
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