Thread. 🏳️‍🌈

Dear Religious Bigots,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your comments, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
¶ When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… end of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
¶ Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to the Welsh, but not the Scottish. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Scottish people?
¶ My best mate would like to sell his daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
¶ I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness – Lev. 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women for some strange reason take offence.....
¶ When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev. 1:9. The problem is the gay couple next door. They claim the odor makes them want to gag. Should I smite them?
¶ I have another neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? Confused dot com.
¶ My best friend Felix (aka Felicia) feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
¶ Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? I'd rather not be stoned to death if there's a get-out clause?
¶ Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? Is it ok to trim your pubes? God, I hope so.
¶ I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but I rode a massive sow called Gladys on my Uncle's farm when I was 6 years old, my Uncle put me on it and it threw me and I cried. Am I forever unclean? Can I eat bacon?
¶ As you now know My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his Tory wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend, ugh!). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
¶ Is it REALLY honestly necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) Could we? Please?
¶ I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

I love you.

A gay socialist.

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈
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