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#TailorSnarkWars Speed State Visit edition!

I’m gonna throw equal shade at all of the clothes as I find pictures.

For comparison: This was El Pendejo about a year ago at the last *Not a State Visit!* event. Suit didn’t fit - too big, baggy in shoulders, tight/wrinkly on arms.
Note especially what he was doing then that he’s not doing now: leaning back. He kept his weight on his heels, pelvis forward.

For the past couple of months, he’s been keeping his weight on his toes (which is gonna end with him faceplanting), knees locked, butt pushed back.
Not a diagnosis at ALL, but a lot of guardians and caretakers of stroke victims have seen HARD, FREQUENT parallels in his behavior, gait & posture.

I especially saw my grandmother go into that constant leaning posture after her 2nd major event. (Amongst other behaviors.)
Anyway...
For all that the polyester leisure suit jacket and (maybe damp?) khakis looked... okay yesterday? He’s back to his shitty, cheap, unstructured poly-rayon looking bad wool scraped from the back of the discount men’s rack.

Good suits don’t wrinkle like that from wearing.
Drag lines down sleeve: it’s pulling at the shoulder seam and also at some constricture in the arm - the lining is too tight or at the elbow.
Shoulder seam dropped.
Horizontal drag lines around his midsection: too tight above waist.
Vent at back pops open: full butt adjustment.
The back shoulders are actually...not bad. Of course his posture is shit, but that fits.
The drag lines under his arm, though, indicate more of the too tight in the midsection.
Note Melamine’s shit posture, too. Cam isn’t nearly as upright as most Royals, but she’s not slouching.
It’s all off the rails here. That fabric pooling in the small of his back: that’s a swayback adjustment, for people who have a deep lower spine curve. Lots of us have it; it’s an easy fix.

Cheap suit give-away? That lack of adjustment, and the lack of sleeve adjustment.
MELAMINE IS BARE LEGGED. NO STOCKINGS. BAREFOOT IN THOSE SHOES.

TO MEET THE QUEEN.

London: your fashion police are needed. Get her into the Tower and do not let her out until she can recite the protocol.

(Also, those are bad shoes for her feet. All wrinkles and looks wide.)
Oh, fuckery fuck.
Compare the White part of Dipshit’s outfit to the white part of Chuckie’s, right behind him.

Can you spot what’s fucking wrong here?

That’s not how cutaway tails should work.
And it just gets worse, no matter how you look at it.

There is so much wrong.

Trousers are typically badly fitted. Waistcoat is too long, jacket is too short. Sleeves of jacket are too long, shirt sleeves are too short (you should see 1 cm.

Shirt collar’s too tight. Jowly.
This is British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who is a nice enough chap and fairly well versed in the protocol of state dinners & men’s formal wear. (With his lovely wife who rocks that gown)

That’s HOW that style should fit. Mostly. (He’s got the waistcoat a little low.)
Oh, by the way! THAT WOMAN is present!! Looking like she’s gonna drink some blood, and she’s got the craft store fake pearls planted on her tiara.

Also, I think she’s wearing the satin track suit gown with the chandelier crystal zipper pull... Or one like it...
Okay, another rule of State Dinners: NO BARE SHOULDERS.
All the other women get it, Melamine.

Also noting here: What *isn’t* Melamine wearing? Jewels. She’s not entitled to a tiara, but no necklace or bracelet.

That’s cuz nobody loans to mob. They’ve pissed off EVERYONE.
(And my seriously favorite Brit Royal, Brigitte, Duchess of Gloucester. She’s kind, she’s put together, she’s always willing to go be nice to people, she’s practical as fuck, and she’s just an all around MVP. Be like Brigitte! )
So... on baggy gloves.
This is a problem that Americans have when we have to go to formal events. We don’t know how to wear gloves, and so there aren’t many sold in the US.
Gloves - kid and satin, both - get bigger as they warm up. When we try them on, the right size feel tight
This is Laura and W at Lilybet’s 89th birthday.

Note Laura’s gloves are also too big and baggy. (Though their clothes ALL FIT! Good job, Shrub. I never thought I’d miss you.)

Note that Her Maj’s gloves are very well fitted. She knows the right size, and how to wear them.
And I note that Michelle Obama did NOT have this glove derp. Because Michelle is made of class & kindness & intelligence & spine & honesty.
(Michelle had a wrap for the no bare shoulders.)

Gonna be a long night, Your Majesty.

Of course he’s on a mansplaining, self-aggrandizing tear. It’s what he does.

(Ask the Yeomen of the Guard to get something in his drink. It’s okay!)
Oh, good lord, Ivanka’s wearing a blue bathrobe, isn’t she?
Wearing a sheer shoulder isn’t exactly a problem, unless her Maj doesn’t like you. See: Here’s Queen Max of the Netherlands, whom Queen Elizabeth adores. Queen Max can wear sheers. NO PROBLEM. (Also, she’s another queen. She can do what she wants.)
The Magatwa in the feed saying you don’t wear jewelry over gloves is a fucking classless Texan who probably thinks daytime diamonds in the pool are thing.

Daytime diamonds only acceptable how how Her Maj wears them. 1 brooch, a wedding/engagement ring.
No bracelets, necklaces.
Yes, you DO wear jewelry over gloves for white tie events. If you’re wearing opera gloves, you may wear bracelets and dinner rings.
Opera gloves are not supposed to be pulled off. You’re not burlesque here.
They have a row of buttons at the wrist.
You unbutton the wrist, pull your hand out, and tuck the hand of the glove inside the wrist while you eat. (You don’t eat with gloves on.)

If you are wearing long sleeves and short gloves, you can just pull the gloves off.

THIS is why we wear long sleeves to state dinners.
(By the way? I block Magats and Magatwas.)

But the key is: you don’t remove jewelry at the table, and jewelry is required for these events. And so are gloves.

(I didn’t make the rules, people. Yes, they’re silly. They come from the time when elbows were considered erotic.)
Also: this is 30K feet. This etiquette is why young women used to be sent to finishing school for 2 years.

Etiquette at this level? It’s an associate’s degree.

Anyway: Note the shoes, from earlier today. Note Cam’s shoes.
And note that they met on the grass.
Cam is wearing cute, sensible, low, block heeled two-tone shoes, with which she can actually WALK ON GRASS.

Melamine (Yes, because she’s plastic) is in 5” stilettos, without stockings. There’s a good chance she’ll actually break a heel...
But even if she doesn’t break a heel, she’s highly likely to lose a heel cap, that little rubber bit that protects the floors and serves as a tiny cushion.

When you lose or wear through a heel cap, you start scratching the floors.

The antique floors in historic buildings.
This is why wedges & block heels are more appropriate in all formal settings. It’s being careful of your surroundings.
The Governor of the Bank of England knows how to wear tails. (Also, this shows that white ties are *TIED* not on a rubber string, and that dress shirts don’t have buttons, they use shirt studs, and the waistcoat should have the large lapels.)
Unfortunately, the chairman of BP (who is Norwegian) does not. He’s got waistcoat creep, too.

Princess Pushy has a thing for popped collars. (I think she’s watched too many Disney movies & identifies with the evil royals.) But... I don’t hate that. It’s elegant.
Dear Duke of Kent: I’m so sorry.

So... I wish I could say Kellyanne cleans up well, but she doesn’t. (BTW: if the queen declines an arm, all ladies in the room should decline.)
The dress isn’t ill-fitting. It just looks like crumpled aluminum foil, or an emergency blanket.
Oh, Sarah.
First, praise. Messy buns look GREAT on you. Always wear them. Red is also a good color for you.

But. Spanx, my dear. I should not be able to see your navel.

(BTW: That’s Prince Michael of Kent, That Woman’s husband. In this photo - two odious people.)
When your dinner companion comes in wearing mourning, it might be time to ship John Bolton off for a shave and a couple years on a remote island. I am so sorry, Madam (Bolingbrook, I think I read. Getty changed the caption.)
Also, watch your back. There’s a vampire behind you.
I note the lady paired with Stephen Miller is as far away from him as she can get. Perhaps he’s considering if he can drink all the blood in the room before the Yeomans can ram a pike through his heart...

I wonder if they brought a coffin full of his native Orange County earth?
Just to prove it’s not just the Americans who are fucking up protocol tonight: Bare shoulders, no gloves.

That’s Emma Walmsley, the CEO of GlaxoSmithKline. Born an Hon (Daddums is a Brit Vice Admiral).
It’s a fucking bathrobe.
No, it’s not a shirt-dress.
Which would not be appropriate for this event anyway.
It looks like a bathrobe.
And good fucking god, she is not allowed *creative* sleeves until she stops abusing the privilege.

Which designer did she piss off this time?
The whole damn fam.

All of the boys look like frat rat doucebags on their way to Homecoming. They’ve clearly been pre-gaming. The first one to vomit loses.
DC tailors might want to name who did the waistcoats, because that is BAD advertising.

Fuckos: YOU SHAVE. SHE’S THE QUEEN
So the one who isn’t halfway through the messy divorce also has little to no jewelry. Could be she married into a family with no money. That’s my bet.
The dress is ok. Bodice fits. The problem is: it’s sleeveless and that was on the list of Don’t Do That Shit.
Bad glove fit.
What we haven’t been seeing is this dress has a train. A long one.
A shirt collar can be done in formal wear, but it’s not easy. That one is too stiff, too casual. (The menswear collars in this picture are better.)

Someone else pointed out she’s got a rubber band on her wrist.
Okay, Tiff. I know, you stay away from the rest of the fam. Good plan. Also good on you for at least technically following all of the etiquette. (That dress would fit in to the *covered shoulders* requirements - see next pic). You brought out the jewelry & gloves.
3 problems, my girl. Your gloves almost fit. But whatever you’re wearing on your wrist should be on top of your glove, not below. (It’s ok.)
Hair up. Bobby pins aren’t decoration.
I like the poppies. I find the symbolism interesting. (War, vets.)
There’s some good corsetry under.
Here’s how Tiff’s neckline is okay:
Hello, Duchess Kate. I’m really sorry you have to be near him. He likes gold diggers. You should tell him that his wife’s dad is not actually all that impressive & he got took.

(Duchesses can make their own rules on gloves. PRIVILEGE AT WORK)
But yeah, that’s a deeply traditional neckline, dating back to early Victoria, like newly married Victoria. That’s her actual dress.
Something from earlier in the day:
1) I think Chuck & Cam started the day with Bloody Marys and have kept going. He’s awfully flushed.(Can’t blame them.)
2) Melamine, hats off inside. This isn’t a church. It’s a private home.
3)Chuck is holding a flash diffuser that fell off...
... and think of what that indicates. Chuck has been raised since he was a day old to understand that he will be King. And he had no problem stooping down, picking up a fairly janky piece of equipment (note the gaffer’s tape) & smiling about it.

For all his flaws? Chuck’s human.
And he may be arrogant, but Chuck’s not mean. He’s not a bully. And most of all? He is NOT insecure.

The contrast is so simple and so obvious.

(I’m not Chuck’s biggest fan. In fact, I’d like him to skip being king, though I have to say the same about William, too.)
So...here’s the thing.
I’m not elitist.
I have a lot of issues with this kind of social signaling because it excludes people who don’t have time, money & background to either grow up with it or do the research.
But the TRULY classy, kind rich people will explain.
They’re patient.
Because they’re not threatened & they’re secure with sharing the knowledge. It’s not egalitarianism, but it’s good manners.

And all of this -all the clothing, all the rules, all the displays- they’re diplomatic protocol. It keeps the wheels of international cooperation greased.
Should it be this formal? Probably not. It’s not necessary.

On the other hand: There are solid behavioral reasons to put people in very structured clothing, to make them wear precious and irreplaceable wealth, to observe ancient rituals.

It makes people cautious and present.
This is in fact a form of mindfulness. Following all of these rules is a ritualized set of behaviors.

It’s sort of the same principle for people who work from home. A lot of us find we are more productive if we set aside an hour to have breakfast, get dressed, prep for the day.
It’s changing the way you are present in the world for a specific task.

I’m very much a middle class kid, but there’s military formality in my background (ask me about meeting Mattis sometime) which is closely related to diplomatic protocol.

It’s not hard to learn.
And we, as a nation (Americans) have put resources into protocol offices at our embassies, in the CIA, in the State Department. We recognize that a lawyer from eastern Kansas might end up on a Congressional Delegation to a diplomatic event.

We can teach this to anyone.
IF THEY WANT TO LEARN.
If they will do the reading.
If they will listen to expertise.

And the Trumps do not.
Neither does anyone they’ve managed to keep on staff. And because of that, they look like they’re careless, sloppy, ignorant rubes.
This is why clothing matters: it is behavior rendered visible.

The whole point of formal (professional) clothing is to convey, as visual shorthand, that you are competent, cognizant, prepared, and attentive without having to do the negotiation every single time, with everyone.
When that doesn’t happen?

Well... It’s really easy to take advantage of someone who thinks they’re more competent than they are. They are easy to manipulate.
Vlad knew this from the first time he saw Donnie on TV. Because Vlad is good at this.

That’s it. I’m packing in. I’ll reply to comments.

If you’ve liked this long day of commentary, you can buy me coffee.
I’m a working writer, and I’m happy to be paid.
ko-fi.com/czedwards
I write fiction. Some of the fashion & behavioral knowledge ends up in the work. Also the crime & money laundry, deep thoughts about the nature of government, wrapped inside a civil war. A princess dedicated to justice and rebuilding her nation.
Kingdom: amazon.com/dp/B07GTSXB4P
Here’s the starter pack, with synopses and all the links. @malcolmschmitz is doing a live read of Rebellion, so give him a follow if you want to get an idea of how this story works.

czedwards.com/2019/04/15/reb…
Douchebags.

That typo will bother me.

(No, an edit button for twttr is a VERY bad idea.)
This is what I refer to, when I call her gown the satin track suit, with the crystal zipper pull. (Those are actual stones, not spinels. They’re worth a lot. And they look fake as fuck.)

But she wore this style a LOT last year.

And she is mean. And awful. In so many ways.
Seriously, I know you Brits don’t like him. But you know what he’s not? He’s not a Dominionist who is rooting for the Rapture, so he’ll get a box seat to watch Turbo Jesus kill all us heathens. Unlike Pompeo.

So yeah, in my book? Nice enough.

Perspective matters.
Yes, fine... SANTA MONICA earth.

(Los Angeles Metropolitan Statistical Area native earth is just too many characters.)
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