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Sit around kids, I want to tell you the story of last night. The story in which I was wooed by literally THE ANTICHRIST. You're going to love it.
At just past midnight, me and the gang: Daan, Swedish Daniel, Manja, and Shannon went to a goth club called Nuke. They wanted to dance to dark EDM industrial whatever, and I just like music and dancing. I'm not a goth, but I was wearing all black, so I figured I could blend in.
I danced for hours, so we all took a break outside in the courtyard. I was sort of spacing out. It was 4 am or so. This guy in a top hat (which I guess is like the goth equivalent of a fedora..."m'lady...of DARKNESS") was making eyes at me and I just smiled and nodded.
He came over to chat, which was fine. He wasn't my type at all, but I always like to chat with folks. Here's what German Goth Antichrist knows about me: Nothing. Not a goddamned thing because he just talked about himself the whole time. I knew this guy was weird, so I listened.
Let me tell you about this guy. Mike (least Antichrist name ever tbh) said that he worked as a contractor for the US Army in Germany and that they wanted him to join as a Green Beret or something so he could be come a citizen and work in military intelligence. Okay, cool.
Then it got...really weird. He asked me if I liked cemeteries. I said yes, I wasn't afraid of them or anything, they're quite peaceful. He told me about a haunted cemetery in Berlin. I stopped him and was like, that's cool, but I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
Ignoring me, like you do when wooing a lady, he starts talking about how his ex girlfriend (he had a lot of exes, I wonder why?) stole candles from a grave and he could feel a malevolent force. So they went back to her place and she used her trusty mystical Ouija board...
...to summon a demon named Vuvuzela or something. I'm not really knowledgeable on demons, but it really didn't sound like a very demonic name. According to him, the demon was SCARED of him and he banished it with a sword and led his gf to safety (a real gentleman!).
I grunted noncommittally. Then he told me he had visions and that, in the early months of 2001, he had one about two towers falling with smoke and death and he knew that thousands would die. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my gothic paramour knew about 9/11. Yet who would believe him?
He told me about some other visions and how he was cursed with knowing things but not getting enough details to accurately predict their exactness.
Then he looked at me with his beady gothic eyes and told me that he never knew his birth parents. Dun dun dun.
He was adopted and his adoptive family told him that his mother was sexually assaulted at 16 and he was the result. With a seriousness only a goth could have, he said that's how he knew. That's why the demons were scared of him. That's why he can predict the future...
...his father was Satan.
"Wat." Probably what I said.
But he reassured me as only a gallant goth can do. Just because he's the ANTICHRIST I didn't have to worry, he was having too much fun on earth to bring about its destruction. Then he looked at me like...say thanks.
So at this point I knew I had to leave. At first it was fun, but the fact that this guy told these fucking bizarre stories, regardless of whether or not he was an active participant in the lie, was Creepy, with a capital C. He also had told me another that was...problematic.
I won't tell that one because it needs a TW. How do let THE ANTICHRIST know that you're not gonna fuck him? What do you do? I was pretty much alone. Daan had asked if I was okay earlier and I said yes, because we were still at the "I worked in the military" stage. So he left.
I didn't want to pick up my phone and text for help because you don't want to commit that social faux pas in front of THE ANTICHRIST (also didn't want him to see any names from phone). So I jumped up and said "I HAVE TO PEE NOW."
"I'll wait for you," he said Satanically.
I went inside and luckily I heard Daan from upstairs. Thank goodness the club wasn't busy. They were happy to see me. They had not yet been overwhelmed by the darkness of THE SON OF SATAN.
"That dude is batshit fucking crazy," I said manically. They went into PROTECC mode.
I gave them a small rundown. Manja gave me a hug and said "I will go angry German on him. We'll keep him away from you." Daan felt bad that he left me in the hands of THE ANTICHRIST. Him and Manja escorted me outside where THE AC waited for his dark bride, ME.
Daan, Manja, and I joined Shannon. They made me sit in a protective cocoon. They got out their holy water and crosses. The SON OF SATAN hovered over me. I told him we were going to go home soon. He asked for my contact details. I said no.
He stayed, hovering, were his feet even touching the ground? Who knows?
Manja, a strong German woman, said "schön Abend, schön Abend, schön Abend" every time he tried to talk to me. He got visibly upset and started almost yelling at her in German. Yeah...
Is it really surprising that THE ANTICHRIST acts like a spoiled NICEGUY (tm)? I think he said something like "why isn't my chosen eternal bride talking to me herself?" so I said "You made me uncomfortable and I'm not interested. Have a nice night".
DAMIEN (or MIKE) left sadly.
THAT was my night last night. This guy was a level 10 creep. I could see him trying to woo another dark bride and using me as an example.
"She saw something in me, something dark," he will whisper. "She knew I was the REAL DEAL and she couldn't handle all of my demon."
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