there's the familiar stretch and pressure, and it feels so good at first. but then it feels like namjoon's cock gets wider, and the stretch suddenly hurts.
"jungkook," namjoon says, sounding just as panicked as jungkook does. "hey, hey, jungkook."
namjoon moves from above him. "hey, he says again, voice calm and steady now. "look at me," he urges. jungkook does. "are you okay?"
"um," jungkook says, feeling even more like he overreacted with each passing moment. "I just. didn't have enough prep, I guess. rushed it, maybe."
jungkook licks his lips, trying to think of a way to respond, but namjoon doesn't seem to be waiting for an answer.
"it's fine," jungkook tells him, and means it. yeah he rushed it and yeah it hurt, but he's fine now, and he wants to try again.
"i'm okay," he says. "really. so if you wanna still --" he gestures vaguely, like that explains what he's trying to say. "it's okay."
"so, spill," jimin says, plopping down across from jungkook at their kitchen table. taehyung trails in after him, yawning and scratching the back of his head.
jungkook swallows a mouthful of cereal. "spill what."
"come on," jimin prods. "you've been crushing for like, years. and you were all over each other last night. and then you disappeared. really? nothing happened?"
taehyung and jimin stare.
"um," taehyung starts, turning back to jungkook. "did he say anything?"
jungkook shrugs. "no. he just said sorry and left me there."
taehyung looks back at jimin.
"what?" jungkook asks, annoyed.
they turn back to him. "maybe you should talk to him," jimin says.
"what the fuck are you doing?" jimin demands, arms crossed over his chest.
"what do you mean?" jungkook asks. he knows exactly what jimin means.
jungkook doesn't look at him. he knows jimin said that to make him feel bad, and it's working.
"yeah, oh," jimin answers. but then his angry expression fades back to his concerned on. "look, I know you're upset. but so is he. and he wouldn't tell me what happened, but he did tell taehyung he hurt you."
jungkook rushes to explain at that.
jimin just rolls his eyes. "and I told you already, you need to talk to him. don't tell me about it, go tell him."
which is fine with jungkook, even if he knows that if jimin figured it out, he'd probably interfere again. but namjoon seemed even less into the idea of talking than jungkook, and if he wanted to pretend it never happened, then that was fine.
until a few weeks later, a few weeks spent avoiding namjoon, barely talking, feeling like his chest is hollowed out, calling old hookups and feeling bad about it the next day.
until jimin, fucking jimin who can't stay out of jungkook's business, suggests they play a game of truth and demands namjoon goes first.
"a while ago," he shrugs, and when jungkook glances over, namjoon is staring hard at jimin. like he's trying not to risk a glance at jungkook.
jungkook drops his own drink on the coffee table beside him and stands up. he can't even bring himself to be angry at jimin for interfering anymore. he's just. numb.
the cool night air feels nice though.
and then, like thinking about it summoned him, jungkook hears steps behind him and a voice that he hasn't heard enough of lately.
"hey," is all namjoon says.
there's a long silence when jungkook doesn't answer and namjoon doesn't speak. when jungkook is just running over the things he wants to say but won't.
"I just wanted to." he gestures, throwing his hands out in front of him like he's tossing out his heart. "apologize. you know?"
jungkook doesn't know. he thought they both apologized for that night already.
oh. that makes more sense, jungkook thinks. he doesn't answer though. doesn't know what there is to say. so namjoon keeps talking.
"I didn't mean that you were -- I didn't mean anything about you when I said that. I didn't even think about you --"
jungkook shrugs, trying to look apathetic, but inside he's weighing whether to just turn around and walk back inside.
"I was just, drunker than I realized and I hurt you because of it. I wasn't thinking. I should've known better. I'm sorry, and I understand why you hate me now."
"and I'm sorry for what I said just know to jimin. I wasn't thinking about you when I said that, I wasn't really thinking about anyone, just. you know." he rubs the back of his neck.
"it's okay," jungkook says then. because he means it. he isn't upset about a ruined hook up.
but when jungkook glances over at namjoon, he's not expecting what he sees. namjoon doesn't look comforted. he looks even more stricken.
and, great, jungkook thinks. as if things weren't bad enough. namjoon reacting like this to a confession should've been expected. jungkook is ready for the ground to swallow him, please.
"god," he starts, "I really messed this up." he laughs but there's no humor. "I really -- I've liked you for so long, too."
"so that night. when I finally got to --" namjoon shakes his head. "I'd just wanted you for so long and that doesn't excuse what I did because I was drinks and stupid ans I hurt you, and now --" he throws his arms out in defeat.
jungkook lurches forward, into namjoon's space, but he stops himself at the last second.
namjoon stares at him, eyes still wide, but then he nods, and jungkook takes another step closer.
but namjoon is smiling at him -- even if his eyes still look a little scared. and jungkook can't help but smile back.
when they finally head back inside, jungkook's finger is still hooked around namjoon's pinky. and when jimin shoots jungkook a look, jungkook doesn't even have it in him to be annoyed.
"it was still a dick thing to do," jungkook says, refusing to concede that point. so what if it actually got them to talk. it only worked because it upset them both, and jungkook can't be happy about that.
"yeah, well." jungkook sighs, tilting his head. "next time, please don't. I can fix things myself."
"okay," jungkook echoes. and it's settled.
taehyung wanders over and plops himself down into jimin's lap when he sees their conversation is over.
taehyung and jimin start cooing at him, and he has to bend himself over with his head by his knees to hide his blush.
"what was that?" taehyung asks. jungkook can hear the laughter in his voice.
he throws himself back upright, rubbing at his cheeks like he can rub away his blush. "things are good," he repeats, still smiling.
jungkook scratches the side of his head. "well. we talked things out last night and." he smiles wider just thinking about it.
"wait," taehyung says after a second. "sunday is tomorrow." he blinks. "that's taking things slow?"
taehyung hums, considering. "okay, yeah, I see your point."
sunday comes too soon and not soon enough. jungkook had been counting down the hours, but the closer it got to his date, the more anxious he grew. maybe that's why things went the way they did.
namjoon took him to an arcade and they played games for hours, until their muscles ached from DDR and they'd spent far too much money. then they wandered next door to a small restaurant.
the date was perfect. way more than fine.
it was afterward that wasn't fine.
but jungkook felt better prepared this time.
in namjoon's bedroom, he was still convinced, and eager to fix what he'd done wrong the first time.
"I'm kind of big," he'd said, without a hint of bragging.
jungkook hummed as he poured lube into his palm. "I know," he answered, reaching out to stroke namjoon's erection. "I can feel it."
"don't rush," he'd said quickly, reaching up to grab jungkook's hips.
"jungkook," he said, reaching up to trail a hand around jungkook's hip to his lower back. "does it hurt? are you okay?"
namjoon didn't say anything, just stared up at him, brows furrowed and fingers rubbing gentle circles into jungkook's back.
"hey," he said, "don't rush it, you're okay."
namjoon must have read it on his face, because he gripped jungkook's hips hard, keeping him from dropping down again. "hey, maybe we should stop."
he glanced up to see namjoon chewing on his lip.
"yeah, okay," jungkook agreed. "but you know what I was asking."
jungkook thought back to the things namjoon had said when they'd finally talked about it. when he'd apologized and had seemed so resigned.
jungkook chewed on his lip, feeling the way namjoon's chest rose and fell underneath him.
namjoon didn't answer.
"you didn't do anything wrong. you shouldn't feel bad about something like this."
namjoon sighed then. "sure," he'd said, like he was just saying something to make jungkook stop talking.
then namjoon had drawn in a breath, slow but deep. and he'd held it. so long that that jungkook noticed he'd stopped breathing.
"I don't mean I'm not," he said quickly, backtracking. "i'm very into it. your dick is hot. I just need to practice or something."
he glanced up at namjoon, but he was staring at the ceiling. "it's fine," he said, and there was that voice again.
"I want to though," jungkook argued.
namjoon just breathed in deep again. "okay."
"I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation with you," jungkook says, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
"I know," jungkook agrees. "and now i'm regretting it."
"look," jimin says, sitting up on his bed to glare at jungkook. "you can't blame me if you come to me for answers to your problems and they're not answers you want to hear."
jimin rolls his eyes this time. "you asked how tae and I deal with it. that's the answer."
jungkook huffs, folding his arms over his chest. "I mean, we kind of already did that, I guess."
jungkook shrugs. "no. I meant instead of fucking we just did other stuff."
jimin hums. "well, sorry, that's what tae and I do too. but neither of us are that into fucking anyway so usually we just don't bother. "
jungkook wrinkles his nose. he'd come to jimin because he knew he and tae had dealt with a similar problem -- something he unfortunately hadn't been able to forget, though he'd tried.
"a shortcut?" jimin supplies, smirking.
jungkook huffs. that's enough of an answer.
"please stop giving me more details," jungkook begs.
"I know, i'm sorry," jungkook says, catching the pillow in the air before it hits him. "thanks."
and yeah, jungkook knows that's true.
what he wants is to be able to do this thing for namjoon, to give him a good experience with something that seems to have brought him so many bad ones.
and THEN they can focus on doing other things if they really want to.
a few of them, each increasing in size. a couple are tapered, increasing in width near the base, and the last one -- the biggest -- is about the same girth along the entire shaft.
he puts in the order a few days after his first date with namjoon.
and if jimin eyes his box with a knowing look when he carries it inside, jungkook just ignores that.
as soon as he starts to sink down, he knows this toy won't be like the last.
he sinks down until he can't take anymore. when he looks between his legs, there's still a bit of the toy left.
he tosses his head back, stretching until he's resting his weight on his hands against the bed.
over and over until his thighs and his stomach start to burn from the way he's holding himself up.
he pulls all the way off the toy then, and collapses onto his back. he's breathing heavy from exertion, from the lack of satisfaction, and his cock throbs between his legs.
he drops his hand from his mouth and reaches down to wrap around his dick.
it's months later before jungkook invites namjoon back to his apartment. maybe longer. jungkook has been able to take his biggest toy for what feels like ages, and there's been more than a few times when he almost asked namjoon to try again. but he's wanted to wait for this.
namjoon smiles at him and folds his hands across his lap obediently. "okay," he agrees. "whatever you want."
jungkook just grins, because he really can't wait to see namjoon's face when he realizes.
"I wanted to show you," he says, feeling smug as he reaches down to pull his shirt up and off. "I've been practicing."
he watches namjoon's adams apple bob up and down his throat as he swallows.
jungkook doesn't answer him, just leans up on his knees so he can shimmy his pants down his hips, lifts his legs one at a time to pull his pants off and then tosses them towards his closet. then he reaches for the toy.
he lifts his head, slowly, so namjoon can watch the pretty curves of his throat move when he speaks. "do you like what you see?"
jungkook frowns. "told you not to touch."
"just want you to fuck me," jungkook gasps out.
he leans forward, whining when he feels the toy shifting inside him again, but he needs better leverage and a different angle if he's going to put on his show.
and namjoon is there, just where jungkook needs him, reaching out to hook his fingers under jungkook's chin
jungkook nods. "bought new toys to practice. wanted to show you." he rolls his hips again to demonstrate, and namjoon groans, leaning forward to rest his head against jungkook's shoulder.
jungkook raises himself up on his knees, scrunching his face at the feeling when he finally lifts completely off the dildo.
"can i ride you now?" jungkook asks, breathless and still smiling. namjoon laughs again.
jungkook nods at him. "wanted to for so long. i did all this for you," he says, tilting his head toward the giant dildo lying on the bed nearby. "i wanted to show you."
there's a pause, and the only sound in the room is their breathing. and then namjoon kisses him again, soft and quick, and tells him, "yes."
jungkook just holds him tighter, kisses his temple and rolls his hips in a slow grind. he feels namjoon moving inside him, hitting so deep, stretching him so well, just the way he imagined every time he dreamt of this.
jungkook preens, leaning back further so namjoon can see the curve of his chest, the dip of his waist.
but it makes namjoon pause.
"namjoon," jungkook gasps, tossing his head back and gripping namjoon's biceps hard, hanging on.
jungkook grins up at him. "that's a good thing, right?"
namjoon nods, leaning down to kiss him again before he answers. "of course."
jungkook hums, reaches up to rest the palm of his hand against the back of namjoon's neck. he pulls namjoon back down, holds him there, kisses him as long as he wants before he finally lets namjoon pull away.
namjoon smiles at him. he reaches up to trace a fingertip down the bridge of jungkook's nose. "you already give me so much."
so instead, he leans up and kisses him.
jungkook can see it, because that's exactly what looking at namjoon makes him feel.