nsfw but namkook with namjoon who's too big and jungkook who's been crushing for so long and finally, finally manages to hook up with namjoon at a party, both of them stumbling into a back room and locking the door behind them, clumsily tearing off clothes.
their lips are pressed together and jungkook breathes him in, tastes namjoon's breath on his tongue and feels it in his lungs. he wants to feel namjoon even deeper, and tells him so. "want you to fuck me," he gasps against namjoon's lips.
namjoon groans, his grip on jungkook's waist tightening. "yeah," he agrees. namjoon's hands slip lower, gripping jungkook's thighs just under the swell of his ass, pulling him towards the bed until they topple down onto it, still tangled together.
there's more desperate tugging at clothes, more groaning and shifting on the bed until jungkook is lying on his back, head spinning as namjoon kisses down his neck and works him open with his long, perfect fingers.
and maybe jungkook went out tonight looking to get fucked, so maybe he's already clean and ready, but he's not about to stop the man of his dreams from doting on him, so he just lays back and takes it, stretches out his throat to give namjoon easier access.
but maybe he's still a little tipsy, and he's having trouble grasping that namjoon is really here in his arms like this, and maybe he's feeling a little overwhelmed and too close already. so maybe, he underestimates namjoon.
he reaches down and wraps his fingers around namjoon's dick and moans when he feels how thick and heavy namjoon is in his hand, gasps out a breathy, "I can't wait to feel you inside me" that has namjoon groaning against jungkook's throat.
but when he pulls namjoon closer, lines up his dick and feels namjoon pushing forward, jungkook realizes his mistake.

there's the familiar stretch and pressure, and it feels so good at first. but then it feels like namjoon's cock gets wider, and the stretch suddenly hurts.
"wait," jungkook gasps, pressing a palm flat against namjoon's chest. namjoon freezes, but then, "wait wait wait," jungkook says, voice on the edge of panic. it's too much, it's way too much and it hurts -- didn't hurt at first but now it hurts so much
he pushes hard against namjoon's chest, thighs coming up to press together and push namjoon away from him. namjoon pulls out immediately but jungkook cries out because that hurts, too.

"jungkook," namjoon says, sounding just as panicked as jungkook does. "hey, hey, jungkook."
jungkook's chest is heaving. he's never felt anything like that before and he doesn't know how to react.

namjoon moves from above him. "hey, he says again, voice calm and steady now. "look at me," he urges. jungkook does. "are you okay?"
jungkook doesn't really know how to answer because, yeah, he's fine, he just -- it was overwhelming for a moment but now he feels a bit ridiculous when he sees how concerned namjoon is, like he overreacted. "yeah," he says, "I'm fine."
namjoon just looks at him.

"um," jungkook says, feeling even more like he overreacted with each passing moment. "I just. didn't have enough prep, I guess. rushed it, maybe."
although he'd spent a good amount of time stretching himself out on his favorite toy at home, and he's never had this problem before. but then he looks down at namjoon.
oh, he thinks, that explains it. he'd felt namjoon's size when he'd reached down earlier, but seeing it... even with his erection wilting between his legs, namjoon is bigger than anything jungkook's ever taken before. he's so big, jungkook's jaw drops a little staring at him.
"sorry," namjoon says, shifting a little on the bed. he sounds self conscious. "uh, I know I'm a little -- much. I should've warned you."

jungkook licks his lips, trying to think of a way to respond, but namjoon doesn't seem to be waiting for an answer.
he reaches down, snatching his shirt up from the ground. "sorry," he says again. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"it's fine," jungkook tells him, and means it. yeah he rushed it and yeah it hurt, but he's fine now, and he wants to try again.
namjoon slips on his shirt and reaches for his pants. jungkook starts to panic again, for a different reason this time.

"i'm okay," he says. "really. so if you wanna still --" he gestures vaguely, like that explains what he's trying to say. "it's okay."
namjoon just sighs. "not really," he says. he pulls his pants up and buckles his belt. he looks like he's about to walk out the door, but he pauses, still standing beside the bed. then he finally turns to look at jungkook again.
"sorry," namjoon says. then he's turning away and walking out the door and jungkook's feeling so many things at once that he just feels numb.
when jungkook finally leaves the bedroom, after he makes himself put his clothes back on. he feels wet between his legs from the lube they used, hastily poured and smeared in their rush. it feels cold under his clothes.
he passes jimin and taehyung on his way out, but when jimin waves at him erratically, trying to get his attention, jungkook just walks by. he doesn't really feel like explaining what happened -- especially since he isn't really sure what happened.
his head is still spinning and he thinks maybe he was a little drunker than he thought when he stumbled down the hall with namjoon. he glances around the party, looking across the crowd for a familiar face, but namjoon is nowhere to be found.
jungkook considers staying, drinking a little more and heading back to the dance floor. he'd wanted to get laid tonight, but now he can't really stand the thought of hanging around here and hooking up with someone else.
so instead, he keeps ignoring jimin's attempts to call him over, and pushes through the crowd out the front door. the cool night air is sobering, and jungkook walks the whole way home running through those moments with namjoon over and over and over.
--

"so, spill," jimin says, plopping down across from jungkook at their kitchen table. taehyung trails in after him, yawning and scratching the back of his head.

jungkook swallows a mouthful of cereal. "spill what."
"you know," jimin tells him around a bite of his own cereal. "what happened with namjoon? we saw you two together." he grins, a little dirty, like he thinks he knows what happened and he just wants jungkook to confirm it for him. taehyung sits down beside jimin, watching jungkook
"nothing," jungkook shrugs, shoving another spoonful in his mouth. taehyung and jimin both stare at him.

"come on," jimin prods. "you've been crushing for like, years. and you were all over each other last night. and then you disappeared. really? nothing happened?"
jungkook feels himself getting annoyed. "yeah, nothing happened." he shoves another bite in his mouth, chewing angrily, as angrily as someone could chew breakfast cereal.

taehyung and jimin stare.
"okay, fine," jungkook spits. he drops his spoon in the bowl of milk and shoves it away across the table. "we started hooking up but then I rushed it because I thought I was prepped and it kinda hurt and then he like, I don't know. he left. so nothing happened."
taehyung and jimin exchange glances.

"um," taehyung starts, turning back to jungkook. "did he say anything?"

jungkook shrugs. "no. he just said sorry and left me there."

taehyung looks back at jimin.

"what?" jungkook asks, annoyed.
they're doing their weird talking without talking thing right in front of him and he knows it's about him and he's really not in the mood after what happened last night.

they turn back to him. "maybe you should talk to him," jimin says.
"yeah, I guess," jungkook agrees, mostly so he can end this conversation. he stands up and grabs his bowl, carrying it further into the kitchen to rinse it out. he doesn't want to talk to namjoon about whatever happened last night. he maybe never wants to talk to namjoon again.
that's a lie and he knows it. but it's one kind of bad feeling to be crushing on your friend for years thinking you'll never have a chance, and another when you actually get to kiss him, hold him close, feel the way he trembles and the way he touches you, and then. lose it.
he doesn't know what he did or said wrong, either, and he's kind of way too humiliated to ask. he's never had someone just walk out on him in the middle of things like that, and the fact that it was namjoon of all people. that just, really hurts. in a way jungkook can't describe.
so he doesn't talk to namjoon. not for days. until over a week has passed and jimin is barging into his room in their shared apartment and demanding to know what the fuck he's doing.

"what the fuck are you doing?" jimin demands, arms crossed over his chest.
he's wearing his best angry face, and jungkook knows him well enough to know he's only partially angry, but mostly concerned. which means he can probably wiggle out if this confrontation if he tries.

"what do you mean?" jungkook asks. he knows exactly what jimin means.
that was the wrong course of action. jimin's expression turns into an actual angry face. "I mean what you're doing to namjoon. you've been ignoring him and he's upset."

jungkook doesn't look at him. he knows jimin said that to make him feel bad, and it's working.
yeah he's hurt by what happened, but he also was kind of operating under the assumption that namjoon was mad at him or something. the way jimin says it, makes it sound like there's something else going on that jungkook doesn't know about.
"oh," he says.

"yeah, oh," jimin answers. but then his angry expression fades back to his concerned on. "look, I know you're upset. but so is he. and he wouldn't tell me what happened, but he did tell taehyung he hurt you."

jungkook rushes to explain at that.
"I told you already," he says. "the next day. I told you it was my fault, I rushed it. he didn't do anything."

jimin just rolls his eyes. "and I told you already, you need to talk to him. don't tell me about it, go tell him."
jungkook chews his lip because, okay, he knew that. he can only avoid namjoon for so long, they have to talk about it at some point. but he just... has no idea what to say. sorry I upset you because I rushed things and your dick was bigger than expected?
"just talk to him, please," jimin says again. jungkook nods at him and that must be enough for jimin, because he drops it, at least for now, and wanders back out of jungkook's room.
jungkook can hear muffled voices, jimin and taehyung talking in the living room. presumably talking about him. but he can't hear the words well enough to hear what they're saying.
jungkook sighs, picks up his phone and scrolls through his messages until he finds namjoon's name. then he types up a message.

--
they don't really talk about it.

which is fine with jungkook, even if he knows that if jimin figured it out, he'd probably interfere again. but namjoon seemed even less into the idea of talking than jungkook, and if he wanted to pretend it never happened, then that was fine.
or at least, jungkook thought it was fine.

until a few weeks later, a few weeks spent avoiding namjoon, barely talking, feeling like his chest is hollowed out, calling old hookups and feeling bad about it the next day.
they're all at seokjin's place, just the seven of them. it's been a long time since it was just them together, and it should be relaxing and comfortable. but jungkook just feels antsy and keyed up, stealing glances at namjoon across the room and ignoring him when he looks over.
it's fine though, jungkook is pretending nothing happened and maybe he's bad at it, but he's not gonna say anything.

until jimin, fucking jimin who can't stay out of jungkook's business, suggests they play a game of truth and demands namjoon goes first.
"when's the last time you hooked up?" jimin asks, leaning over the couch towards namjoon. he's swaying, off balance even just sitting down, which means he's had a lot to drink already -- probably more than the rest of them.
but jungkook is still pissed. he knows exactly why jimin is asking that, and drunk or not, he should know better. he should know that this is going too far and it's more than just bugging jungkook to talk to namjoon about something neither of them want to talk about.
jungkook opens his mouth to say something -- and then snaps it shut when namjoon actually answers.

"a while ago," he shrugs, and when jungkook glances over, namjoon is staring hard at jimin. like he's trying not to risk a glance at jungkook.
"i don't really do that," namjoon continues. he picks up his beer again. "it usually ends badly." he takes a long drink, tilting his head back so he doesn't even have to look at jimin anymore.
jungkook hears a few of their friends talking, responding to namjoon maybe. but he can't really hear what they're saying. he can't hear anything but those words in namjoon's voice, ringing in his ears over and over.
he's been trying to pretend nothing happened because that's what namjoon wanted. but this...

jungkook drops his own drink on the coffee table beside him and stands up. he can't even bring himself to be angry at jimin for interfering anymore. he's just. numb.
he hears taehyung and seokjin calling out to him but he ignores it. doesn't even tell them where he's going. just waves his hand at them when they try to follow, telling them to stay put. then he slips out the door and down the stairs, until he's standing on the street.
it's late -- they'd been at it for a while. trying to make up for lost time, seokjin had joked, because it'd been so long since they were together. and it was fun, jungkook thought, when he ignored how awkward he feels around namjoon now.

the cool night air feels nice though.
he stands outside, staring up at the dark sky, stars drowned out by city lights. the chill bites through his clothes, but he likes it. he feels peaceful out here, like he can get his bearings again and right himself before he heads back inside to face -- whatever is waiting.
he doesn't even know why he's this upset, except that it's namjoon that all of this is happening with.

and then, like thinking about it summoned him, jungkook hears steps behind him and a voice that he hasn't heard enough of lately.

"hey," is all namjoon says.
he steps up beside jungkook, standing and staring up at the sky too, like there's anything to see but dark and clouds.

there's a long silence when jungkook doesn't answer and namjoon doesn't speak. when jungkook is just running over the things he wants to say but won't.
namjoon is the one to break the silence.

"I just wanted to." he gestures, throwing his hands out in front of him like he's tossing out his heart. "apologize. you know?"

jungkook doesn't know. he thought they both apologized for that night already.
"like, just now, I mean."

oh. that makes more sense, jungkook thinks. he doesn't answer though. doesn't know what there is to say. so namjoon keeps talking.

"I didn't mean that you were -- I didn't mean anything about you when I said that. I didn't even think about you --"
he cuts himself off there and jungkook is grateful because, yeah, they'd kind of agreed to pretend it never happened without actually saying that's what they were gonna do, but jungkook kind of didn't expect namjoon to just come out and say that. he just nods though. it's fine.
"wait," namjoon says, holding his hands over his face. "that's not what I meant. let me start over."

jungkook shrugs, trying to look apathetic, but inside he's weighing whether to just turn around and walk back inside.
"okay, let me start again," namjoon says, dropping his hands from his face. "I'm sorry. I feel like I never properly apologized to you. and I know it was shitty to leave like that so I'm sorry for that too."
jungkook doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what there is to say. but namjoon has plenty more, apparently.

"I was just, drunker than I realized and I hurt you because of it. I wasn't thinking. I should've known better. I'm sorry, and I understand why you hate me now."
now jungkook wants to say something, but before he can interject, namjoon carries on.

"and I'm sorry for what I said just know to jimin. I wasn't thinking about you when I said that, I wasn't really thinking about anyone, just. you know." he rubs the back of his neck.
"I don't really hook up with people because I don't want what happened with you to happen with anyone. and it always happens, and I just." namjoon drops his hands to his sides. "I really didn't want it to happen with you."
jungkook listens to everything namjoon says, but feels like there's something else. something that he's talking about that he isn't quite saying. something jungkook missed.

"it's okay," jungkook says then. because he means it. he isn't upset about a ruined hook up.
"it wasn't that," jungkook says, although he's not completely sure what he means by "that", because he's not quite sure what namjoon means. but he knows what's been upsetting him this whole time. "it's just, because it's you."
he sees namjoon flinch beside him and figures it's now or never, he's gotta actually say it and what does he have to lose anymore when their relationship is already this bad.
"I've just, really liked you for a really long time. so I'm. sorry that it didn't go well. but mostly just because it was with you and that meant that afterwards everything between us got fucked up and now we can't even be in the same room together without it being awkward."
jungkook takes a deep breath. "and I just really like you. so. it's that." he shrugs. "not, whatever you thought. it's just a me thing."

but when jungkook glances over at namjoon, he's not expecting what he sees. namjoon doesn't look comforted. he looks even more stricken.
his eyes are wide and he's looking at jungkook like he just got punched in the stomach.

and, great, jungkook thinks. as if things weren't bad enough. namjoon reacting like this to a confession should've been expected. jungkook is ready for the ground to swallow him, please.
"sorry," jungkook starts to say, but namjoon starts speaking at the same time, and jungkook quickly shuts up when he hears what namjoon is saying.

"god," he starts, "I really messed this up." he laughs but there's no humor. "I really -- I've liked you for so long, too."
jungkook's whole world freezes.

"so that night. when I finally got to --" namjoon shakes his head. "I'd just wanted you for so long and that doesn't excuse what I did because I was drinks and stupid ans I hurt you, and now --" he throws his arms out in defeat.
"wait," jungkook says, putting a hand up to stop namjoon before he says something like 'everything is ruined,' even if jungkook was feeling that exact same way earlier. there's something a little like hope taking its place. "wait. you what?"
namjoon shakes his head, still looking distraught. "ever since we met. it's been years. I just, never said anything because. I don't know. I didn't think you really --"

jungkook lurches forward, into namjoon's space, but he stops himself at the last second.
"can I?" he asks, his voice barely a breath across namjoon's lips.

namjoon stares at him, eyes still wide, but then he nods, and jungkook takes another step closer.
there's a rush that shoots through him when their lips meet, like that night weeks ago but so much more intense, and it leaves him dizzy when he pulls away.

but namjoon is smiling at him -- even if his eyes still look a little scared. and jungkook can't help but smile back.
he reaches out like he's afraid jungkook will disappear, and jungkook takes his hand.

when they finally head back inside, jungkook's finger is still hooked around namjoon's pinky. and when jimin shoots jungkook a look, jungkook doesn't even have it in him to be annoyed.
the next morning though, there's plenty in jungkook to be annoyed.

"it was still a dick thing to do," jungkook says, refusing to concede that point. so what if it actually got them to talk. it only worked because it upset them both, and jungkook can't be happy about that.
"I know," jimin agrees. "and I'm sorry. I was drunk and I wasn't thinking about that. I just wanted to fix things for you." jimin has the decency to look upset, at least.

"yeah, well." jungkook sighs, tilting his head. "next time, please don't. I can fix things myself."
jimin looks like he's about to argue that point, but thinks better of it. he just nods along. "okay."

"okay," jungkook echoes. and it's settled.

taehyung wanders over and plops himself down into jimin's lap when he sees their conversation is over.
"so what's going on with you an namjoon now?" taehyung asks, and jungkook can't help the huge smile that spreads across his face.

taehyung and jimin start cooing at him, and he has to bend himself over with his head by his knees to hide his blush.
"it's good," he says into his knees.

"what was that?" taehyung asks. jungkook can hear the laughter in his voice.

he throws himself back upright, rubbing at his cheeks like he can rub away his blush. "things are good," he repeats, still smiling.
"elaborate," jimin demands, wrapping his arms around taehyung's middle and resting his head against taehyung's shoulder.

jungkook scratches the side of his head. "well. we talked things out last night and." he smiles wider just thinking about it.
"we're gonna take things slow but we have a date on sunday." jungkook bites his lip to smother his grin, but he smiles so wide his cheeks hurt anyway. especially when his roommates start cheering for him.
he tries to brush it off, but he's too pleased. he's been wanting this for years, and jimin and taehyung both know it.

"wait," taehyung says after a second. "sunday is tomorrow." he blinks. "that's taking things slow?"
jimin laughs and snacks his boyfriend on the shoulder. "don't tease him," jimin scolds. "he waited three years for a first date. I think that's taking things pretty slow."

taehyung hums, considering. "okay, yeah, I see your point."
jungkook just buries his face in his hands.

--

sunday comes too soon and not soon enough. jungkook had been counting down the hours, but the closer it got to his date, the more anxious he grew. maybe that's why things went the way they did.
the date was fine. better than fine. better than everything jungkook had hoped for.

namjoon took him to an arcade and they played games for hours, until their muscles ached from DDR and they'd spent far too much money. then they wandered next door to a small restaurant.
they sat there and talked for another two hours, until their bellies were stuffed full of food and a little drink, and jungkook's heart felt heavy with affection. when they left, namjoon held his hand.

the date was perfect. way more than fine.

it was afterward that wasn't fine.
jungkook follows namjoon back to his apartment, holding his hand tight on the walk down the hallway of his building. he bounced on the balls of his feet while namjoon fiddled with his keys, then melted completely against him once they were finally inside.
everything passed in a blur until the bedroom, when they toppled down beside each other on the bed in a way remarkably similar to the night that started all of this.

but jungkook felt better prepared this time.
he'd showered to clean himself before their date, just in case, and he'd ridden his largest toy until his thighs started to ache, until he was convinced it was enough.

in namjoon's bedroom, he was still convinced, and eager to fix what he'd done wrong the first time.
sober as they both were though, namjoon tried to warn him this time.

"I'm kind of big," he'd said, without a hint of bragging.

jungkook hummed as he poured lube into his palm. "I know," he answered, reaching out to stroke namjoon's erection. "I can feel it."
namjoon laughed, a little half hearted exhale, but his expression changed when jungkook climbed over him, throwing one leg across his thighs to straddle him.

"don't rush," he'd said quickly, reaching up to grab jungkook's hips.
"it's okay," jungkook told him, reaching between his legs to line namjoon up. "I stretched really well before our date. I can take you." and then he lowered himself down.
namjoon gasped, holding onto jungkook's hips as he lowered himself until just the head of namjoon's dick was inside him, then lifted back up. there was a bit of a burn to the stretch, even after his prep, but nothing Jungkook couldn't handle. so he did it again.
lifted himself up, then back down. slowly, until he got used to the feeling. then he lowered himself a little farther, and did it again. he kept doing it, just a little at a time, savoring the feeling of namjoon's ribs expanding under his palms with each stroke.
he felt so full, so stretched, and he'd been at it for so long. he was sure he'd nearly taken all of namjoon, but when he dropped his head to look between his legs -- "holy fuck," he gasped. he watched himself pull up and could see -- he hadn't even taken half.
he lowered himself back down, as far as he'd gone before, and stayed there, just letting himself feel it. he was full, stretched just to the edge of being too much. but it was good. it felt good, and the look on namjoon's face was urging him on.
the way namjoon looked up at him with wide eyes, barely blinking, like he didn't want to miss a second of this, his jaw hanging open in awe. jungkook leaned down to kiss him again, and then he dropped himself down further.
his whole body went stiff with the pain. he sucked in a sharp breath, looking away from namjoon's face to hide his reaction. but namjoon knew.

"jungkook," he said, reaching up to trail a hand around jungkook's hip to his lower back. "does it hurt? are you okay?"
jungkook nodded. "yeah, i'm good," he said, but his voice sounded strained. "just need a second."

namjoon didn't say anything, just stared up at him, brows furrowed and fingers rubbing gentle circles into jungkook's back.
the seconds ticked past and the pain started to dull, until jungkook thought he could move again. but when he tried to pull up, it just felt like he was being scraped out from the inside. all of the good feelings from before had vanished.
"shit," he cursed, falling forward off balance at the feeling. namjoon reached up to grasp his forearm, trying to hold him steady.

"hey," he said, "don't rush it, you're okay."
jungkook didn't feel okay. he'd lifted himself up, back to where it had been comfortable earlier. but now he just felt sore.

namjoon must have read it on his face, because he gripped jungkook's hips hard, keeping him from dropping down again. "hey, maybe we should stop."
he didn't want to stop, didn't want to admit he'd made the same mistake as last time and rushed himself. but when he rocked his hips, he just felt that same ache, none of the pleasure he'd felt just a few moments ago.
so they'd stopped. and namjoon had apologized again. "i'm sorry," he'd said, kissing jungkook's cheeks and rubbing his back. "we shouldn't have done this again. we should've tried something different after last time."
jungkook just huffed, hot breath against namjoon's chest. he hadn't wanted to do something different. he'd wanted to do what he'd been fantasizing about for years, which was riding namjoon until he cried.
but he was willing to concede, that wasn't going to happen tonight. so he'd settled for jerking namjoon off into his mouth and then fucking namjoon's thighs, which namjoon seemed more than happy with.
jungkook, though, was feeling frustrated. even after coming all over namjoon's pretty legs. especially when namjoon tried to console him afterwards, when they were both cleaned up and cuddling in namjoon's bed.
"don't worry about it," he'd said, kissing the top of jungkook's head where he was tucked against namjoon's chest. but jungkook was worrying about it. his body ached in a way he didn't like, and he'd seen it in namjoon's expression.
how good he'd felt, how eager he'd been every time jungkook dropped just a little lower. and then how his expression had crumbled when he'd realized that jungkook was in pain. so, yeah, they'd still gotten off this time instead of just stopping. but jungkook still felt bad.
especially when namjoon went on. "it's fine," he said, in that voice that put jungkook on alert. "it always happens, so don't -- don't feel bad. it's not your fault." he'd said it like it was his fault, and that had jungkook grinding his teeth.
"so have you, like," jungkook paused, unsure if he should actually ask what he wanted to know. but he pushed on. "have you ever actually fucked anyone?"

he glanced up to see namjoon chewing on his lip.
"that's, like." namjoon glanced away. "you know, penetrative sex isn't the only kind of sex and you can fuck in other ways, like we just did, so I don't really agree with the distinction you're making there."

"yeah, okay," jungkook agreed. "but you know what I was asking."
he watched namjoon's jaw clench. "I don't really like hurting people when I fuck them, so. a few times." he shrugs. "I usually bottom or just do other stuff, but you seemed pretty set on it. I should've said something."
jungkook frowned. he was pretty set on it, but now even more than before. he wanted to be able to give namjoon something like that, something he hadn't gotten before. and namjoon's words only convinced him of it more.
he thought back to their first night, the way namjoon had just shut down when he realized that jungkook had hurt himself by rushing things. he wondered how often that had happened to him, when he got wrapped up in the moment just to be pulled out of it in a moment.
the same thing every time. feeling guilty about something you have no control over. feeling like you can't let go or you'll hurt someone.

jungkook thought back to the things namjoon had said when they'd finally talked about it. when he'd apologized and had seemed so resigned.
when he'd seemed so sure that jungkook must hate him, just for something as small as. well. his decidedly not small problem.

jungkook chewed on his lip, feeling the way namjoon's chest rose and fell underneath him.
"there's nothing wrong with you," he'd said then.

namjoon didn't answer.

"you didn't do anything wrong. you shouldn't feel bad about something like this."

namjoon sighed then. "sure," he'd said, like he was just saying something to make jungkook stop talking.
"seriously," jungkook continued, lifting his fingers to trail along namjoon's stomach. "some people would be really into it."

then namjoon had drawn in a breath, slow but deep. and he'd held it. so long that that jungkook noticed he'd stopped breathing.
then he realized what he'd said.

"I don't mean I'm not," he said quickly, backtracking. "i'm very into it. your dick is hot. I just need to practice or something."

he glanced up at namjoon, but he was staring at the ceiling. "it's fine," he said, and there was that voice again.
"you don't have to try again." namjoon shrugged, closing his eyes. "we can just do other stuff. I'm fine with whatever. and I like bottoming."

"I want to though," jungkook argued.

namjoon just breathed in deep again. "okay."
jungkook didn't say anything more, and neither did namjoon. not until they both dozed off, and jungkook woke in the early hours of the morning in a rush to get home to be able to shower and get ready for work.
when jungkook left namjoon's apartment, namjoon held him close and kissed him sweetly, and jungkook felt his heart flutter so fast he thought it'd fly out of his chest. he'd smiled bright and wide, like their conversation the previous night never happened.
jungkook didn't bring it up, though. just kissed namjoon on the cheek and promised to text him after work so they could talk. namjoon had grinned even wider, and jungkook felt so hopelessly endeared at the sight.
he imagined it all morning, while he showered and got ready for his shift, and then all day at work through his entirely uneventful day. he imagined namjoon's smile, his voice, the way he'd looked last night when jungkook had gotten him off, the way his hand felt in jungkook's.
even the way he'd looked when he'd realized that jungkook was hurting. he wasn't going to let namjoon look at him like that again. especially not after the things he'd said to jungkook last night.
and that's how he ended up here. in jimin's room. actually having this conversation with jimin.

"I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation with you," jungkook says, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
"hey," jimin says. "you're the one who asked."

"I know," jungkook agrees. "and now i'm regretting it."

"look," jimin says, sitting up on his bed to glare at jungkook. "you can't blame me if you come to me for answers to your problems and they're not answers you want to hear."
"you didn't even give me an answer," jungkook argues. "you just told me fuck him. that's not a solution, that's the opposite of a solution, that's avoiding a solution."

jimin rolls his eyes this time. "you asked how tae and I deal with it. that's the answer."
jimin runs his hand through his hair. "sorry it's not the answer you wanted." he doesn't look sorry at all.

jungkook huffs, folding his arms over his chest. "I mean, we kind of already did that, I guess."
"what, you fucking him?" jimin asks, tilting his head back.

jungkook shrugs. "no. I meant instead of fucking we just did other stuff."

jimin hums. "well, sorry, that's what tae and I do too. but neither of us are that into fucking anyway so usually we just don't bother. "
"i've always thought other things were more fun."

jungkook wrinkles his nose. he'd come to jimin because he knew he and tae had dealt with a similar problem -- something he unfortunately hadn't been able to forget, though he'd tried.
it was over a year ago now, when jimin had drunkenly complained at a party about how taehyung's dick was too fat to take, after someone made a gross joke about how he and taehyung fuck. it had shut the person down, but also given jungkook images he didn't really want.
he'd thought if jimin and taehyung were still together (and their sex life was as active as the noises from jimin's room would lead him to believe), then they'd figured something out. but he's still disappointed to learn they just stopped trying that particular thing.
jimin sighs. "if you're really determined, can't you just buy a big dildo and practice with it." he gives jungkook a look like that's the most obvious answer in the world and he's disappointed jungkook didn't think of it before bothering him.
jungkook groans, falling back against the chair. "I already thought about that. I just wanted to see if there was. I don't know."

"a shortcut?" jimin supplies, smirking.

jungkook huffs. that's enough of an answer.
"sorry kid," jimin tells him. "our shortcut is, if we wanna fuck, I just fuck taehyung. it's too much trouble for us the other way around when we both enjoy him using toys on me more anyway."

"please stop giving me more details," jungkook begs.
"you came into my room and asked for details, stop being rude," jimin complains, tossing a pillow at jungkook's face.

"I know, i'm sorry," jungkook says, catching the pillow in the air before it hits him. "thanks."
jungkook mulls over what jimin said later that night. it's basically the same thing namjoon told him, that they could just do other things and not worry about doing that particular thing, because there's so much more to sex.

and yeah, jungkook knows that's true.
but that's not very satisfying to him. that's not what he wants.

what he wants is to be able to do this thing for namjoon, to give him a good experience with something that seems to have brought him so many bad ones.
he wants to make namjoon feel good and he wants to see namjoon's face when he finally does it. he wants to prove he can do it, and itll be good for both of them, so namjoon can stop worrying about it.

and THEN they can focus on doing other things if they really want to.
so, he buys some toys.

a few of them, each increasing in size. a couple are tapered, increasing in width near the base, and the last one -- the biggest -- is about the same girth along the entire shaft.

he puts in the order a few days after his first date with namjoon.
his plan is, work his way up to the largest one by using the smaller two. and then practice with the largest one until he can take it easily. and he's pretty sure that one is even bigger than namjoon.
in the meantime, he doesn't tell namjoon his plan. he doesn't mention their awkward hookup or first date, and neither does namjoon, unsurprisingly. even when they go on another date the next weekend, which ends in jungkook grinding in namjoon's lap until they come in their pants.
when jungkook's toys finally arrive though, in an unlabelled package left on his doorstep almost two weeks after his first date with namjoon, he sets his plan into motion.

and if jimin eyes his box with a knowing look when he carries it inside, jungkook just ignores that.
the smallest toy is honestly a little disappointing. he showers and preps like he usually does, and then he barely has to try. he has to slow down close to the base where the toy gets wider, but it doesn't take long before he's riding it on his bed and feeling close to coming.
with an exasperated sigh, he sits up and pulls the toy out, tossing it down to the foot of his bed. he slips off his bed and walks across his room on his shaky legs to find the second largest toy. it's already heavier in his hand, and he's hopeful about this one.
he regrets not washing it earlier when he washed the first toy, because now he has to pull on a bathrobe and sneak it into the bathroom, praying jimin won't notice him. somehow, whatever god heard his prayer smiles on him, because he makes it back to his room safely, toy in hand.
he settles back down in his bed and drips some lube over the head of the toy, making sure it's slick enough before he sits up on his knees.

as soon as he starts to sink down, he knows this toy won't be like the last.
it feels a little like when he tried to take namjoon the second time, a stretch that almost, almost hurts, but fades to pleasure if he takes his time.

he sinks down until he can't take anymore. when he looks between his legs, there's still a bit of the toy left.
that's good, he thinks. that's what he needs. and then he starts rolling his hips in tight circles, feeling the way the toy moves inside him but careful not to drop himself any lower.

he tosses his head back, stretching until he's resting his weight on his hands against the bed.
he lifts his hips, sliding off the toy just enough to drop himself back down, taking the toy back into him until he can feel the first ache of too much. then he does it again.

over and over until his thighs and his stomach start to burn from the way he's holding himself up.
until he stops aching from too much and he starts aching for more.

he pulls all the way off the toy then, and collapses onto his back. he's breathing heavy from exertion, from the lack of satisfaction, and his cock throbs between his legs.
he ignores it for now, just reaches down to pick up the toy and the lube to slick it up again. he squeezes around the base of the toy, feels the give of the silicone, and then he spreads his legs and leans back.
he guides the toy between his legs, lets himself groan when he pushes it back into him. he's kept quiet so far, focused on practice and not on pleasure. but he can't ignore how nicely his new toy fills him up.
he'd ordered a unique shape, one with bumps and ridges, and he feels each of them as he pushes the toy deeper. and then he feels it when he reaches his limit from before. he pauses, takes a deep breath and focuses on how good he feels. how full. then he pulls the toy in deeper.
it's just a bit more, just barely, because the toy is still getting larger and he doesn't want to push himself too far. but it feels /good/. so good, and when he twists the toy inside himself he can't help but cry out again.
he brings his hand up to his lips to bite down on the heel of his palm, to silence himself as he rocks the toy in and out, feeling how he slowly loosens up. it's so satisfying to feel, the pleasure that's cooling in his gut and the satisfaction from taking something this big.
the satisfaction from pushing his limits and feeling himself go further, knowing that it's possible, that he can take namjoon and it can feel good, he just needs to practice like this first.

he drops his hand from his mouth and reaches down to wrap around his dick.
he pushes the toy just a bit deeper, strokes himself off, and comes all over his stomach to the thought of namjoon fucking him, filling him up just like this, making jungkook work to take all of him.
the next time he sees namjoon, he takes both their cocks in both his hands and strokes them off together. he feels the way namjoon is too big for him to grip them both with one hand, and he gets off imagining that inside him, how good it'll feel when he can finally take it.
--

it's months later before jungkook invites namjoon back to his apartment. maybe longer. jungkook has been able to take his biggest toy for what feels like ages, and there's been more than a few times when he almost asked namjoon to try again. but he's wanted to wait for this.
he's made sure taehyung and jimin are out tonight, and he doesn't have anywhere to be tomorrow, and he wants it to happen here. so he can show namjoon just what he's been doing, and namjoon won't have to worry when he asks to try fucking him again.
but he still hasn't told namjoon his plan, so when jungkook guides him into the bedroom after they get back from their date, sly smile on his face, namjoon is just expecting the usual. but jungkook leads him to the head of the bed, has him sit with his back against the headboard.
"stay here," jungkook tells him. "you're only allowed to watch."

namjoon smiles at him and folds his hands across his lap obediently. "okay," he agrees. "whatever you want."

jungkook just grins, because he really can't wait to see namjoon's face when he realizes.
he steps away from the bed, leaning down to reach underneath and pull out his box of toys. he reaches in to grab the large toy, freshly cleaned after he'd used it earlier today, and tosses it up on the bed. he snags a bottle of lube too, and then climbs up to join namjoon.
jungkook laughs when he sees namjoon's face, his eyes wide and fixed on the toy, eyebrows shot up and lips dropped into a surprised little o shape. at the sound, namjoon looks up at jungkook, moving slowly like his muscles are stiff and locked.
"jungkook," he says. his voice cracks. jungkook just grins wider.

"I wanted to show you," he says, feeling smug as he reaches down to pull his shirt up and off. "I've been practicing."

he watches namjoon's adams apple bob up and down his throat as he swallows.
"jungkook," he says again, like it's all he can say now.

jungkook doesn't answer him, just leans up on his knees so he can shimmy his pants down his hips, lifts his legs one at a time to pull his pants off and then tosses them towards his closet. then he reaches for the toy.
he watches namjoon watch him, transfixed, licking his lips when jungkook upturns the bottle of lube to pour a generous amount directly onto the head of the toy. he watches namjoon watch him wrap both hands around the shaft of the toy, because it's too big for one hand.
then he strokes it, smearing the lube up and down until it's coated, shiny and wet. jungkook stares directly into namjoon's eyes when he lifts himself up on his knees over the toy, and namjoon stares back. jungkook can see it on his face, the captivation, the awe, the disbelief.
it urges him on, feeds him, makes his chest feel heavy and full when he reaches down to line himself up with the toy, and then sinks down. he hears a deep groan, and it takes him a second to realize it came from namjoon.
he grins, feeling breathless already from the way namjoon is looking at him, leaning forward away from the headboard and licking his lips. and jungkook's only just gotten started.
he lifts himself up and almost off, so just the head of the toy is still inside him. then jungkook shifts his knees, so he has more leverage to rock his hips when he lowers himself back down. he doesn't look away, and neither does namjoon.
jungkook rolls his hips in a circle, teasing himself and namjoon before he sinks down again. he's almost halfway now, and he moans, loud, just so namjoon can hear him, because namjoon always tells him that his voice is so pretty.
"jungkook," namjoon gasps again, and jungkook watches him dig his fingers into his thighs, so hard that jungkook can see the muscles in his forearms tense. it sends a wave of heat through his stomach, driving him on, making him sink down even deeper so namjoon can see.
he wants namjoon to watch him fuck his toy, to know how much he practiced so he could do this so easily, to be proud at how well he takes it. and he wants namjoon to imagine being the one to fuck him.
jungkook lifts himself up, rests his palms on his own thighs and feels the way his muscles work to lower him back down slowly, impaling himself on the toy. and this time, he doesn't stop. he keeps going, tilts his head back and lets his eyes slip closed as he sinks down and down,
until he's sitting on his heels, the toy completely inside him. jungkook stays there, frozen. his muscles tremble and his breaths shudder through him, and he feels so tight and full and good. accomplished. satisfied. he took his huge toy, and he did it with namjoon watching.
jungkook rocks his hips, feels the toy moving deep inside him, and lifts a hand to rest against his stomach. he leans back, stretching himself out and resting his weight on his other hand. then he feels it. he rolls his hips again, pushes his palm against his stomach, and moans.
"holy shit, jungkook," he hears namjoon gasp, and jungkook smiles wide, head still tossed back and eyes closed. but he can imagine it, so clearly. namjoon sounds destroyed, the way he does when jungkook teases him and doesn't let him come, delaying his peak until it almost hurts.
he feels proud, amused even, that he can push namjoon to that point just from taking his new favorite toy like this.

he lifts his head, slowly, so namjoon can watch the pretty curves of his throat move when he speaks. "do you like what you see?"
"holy shit," is all namjoon says, and when jungkook finally lifts his head to look at him, he sees namjoon already has his hand down his pants.

jungkook frowns. "told you not to touch."
namjoon moves immediately, pulls out his hand and sets it back on his thigh. his jaw is clenched and his shoulders are stiff, and he looks so tense he could snap. jungkook grins at him. "you're so good." he lifts himself up, just a little, and then drops back down on his toy.
"that's why I wanted to do this for you," he says, rolling his hips again and then dragging himself up, so slow, until the toy is just barely still inside him. he licks his lips and stares into namjoon's eyes, makes sure he's watching as he lowers himself back down completely.
"wanted to do something for you because you're always --" he gasps, trying not to moan when he lifts back up, building his momentum slowly. "you're always taking care of me and you --" the air rushes from his lungs when he drops onto the toy again.
the toy is so deep inside him, he can feel it when he moves, shifting in his stomach when he inhales and tilts his hips. it's so much, even more because he knows namjoon is watching.

"just want you to fuck me," jungkook gasps out.
namjoon groans, and his head falls back against the headboard with a dull thud. jungkook has never felt more powerful.

he leans forward, whining when he feels the toy shifting inside him again, but he needs better leverage and a different angle if he's going to put on his show.
he wants to show namjoon just what he can do, what he's been practicing. he reaches down between his legs to grip the base of the dildo, and then he starts to ride it. slow at first, but picking up pace. his breaths come in little hiccups, punched out of him with each thrust.
he grips the sheets under him, fisting his hand in them to hang on. he squeezes his eyes shut, focuses on the feeling of namjoon's eyes burning into him. he knows namjoon is watching and he wants namjoon to see there's no need for him to worry about hurting jungkook now.
"namjoon," he whines. he's starting to feel a bit like he's lost control, like he's getting carried away and he needs namjoon to ground him, to bring him back.

and namjoon is there, just where jungkook needs him, reaching out to hook his fingers under jungkook's chin
he lifts his hand and jungkook follows, until he's staring up into namjoon's face through wet eyes. then namjoon is kissing him, hard, breathing heavy into him and wrapping his arms around jungkook's chest.
jungkook makes a little noise against his lips when the movement pulls him up and partially off the toy, but he definitely doesn't mind. namjoon tastes so sweet and he feels so warm against him.
"shit," namjoon gasps into jungkook's mouth. "you're so --" he doesn't bother to finish the thought, just surges forward again, kissing jungkook deep and pushing him back so he sinks down onto the toy again. jungkook whines, and he feels namjoon smile against his lips.
"you did this just for me, huh?" namjoon asks, sounding dazed but pleased.

jungkook nods. "bought new toys to practice. wanted to show you." he rolls his hips again to demonstrate, and namjoon groans, leaning forward to rest his head against jungkook's shoulder.
"please," he begs. "you're killing me. please, just." he reaches down to rest his hands on jungkook's hips. "come here."

jungkook raises himself up on his knees, scrunching his face at the feeling when he finally lifts completely off the dildo.
it feels strange now, and unsatisfying the way his body aches to come but it feels so far away. namjoon tugs him forward then, guiding him to shift up the bed until he's kneeling over namjoon's lap, hands on namjoon's shoulders, looking down at him.
it feels like an eternity passes just like that, both of them breathing hard, staring into each other's eyes, only silence between them. until jungkook breaks. he shoots namjoon a half smile, a little laugh, and then a light, "hey."
namjoon laughs back. "hey," he answers, fond. he runs his palms over jungkook's hips, tracing his fingertips along jungkook's lowerback until they meet at his spine.

"can i ride you now?" jungkook asks, breathless and still smiling. namjoon laughs again.
"you really want to, huh?" he sounds amused.

jungkook nods at him. "wanted to for so long. i did all this for you," he says, tilting his head toward the giant dildo lying on the bed nearby. "i wanted to show you."
namjoon smiles up at him, pulling him closer, until he's fully seated in namjoon's lap. namjoon is still wearing his clothes, but jungkook can feel how hard he is through his pants, and he grinds down just to hear namjoon's gasp.
namjoon groans, pulling jungkook even closer, rocking his hips up. jungkook wraps his arms around namjoon's shoulders and uses him for leverage to grind down harder, to roll his hips the way he'd moved them on the toy.
namjoon tilts his head up to suck jungkook's bottom lip between his teeth, and then it's jungkook's turn to groan. he drags his hands down namjoon's shoulders, down his back, feeling the dips of his ribs and the shift of his muscles as he leans into jungkook's touch.
namjoon kisses him until jungkook has to pull back to breathe, and then he whispers against namjoon's mouth, "will you let me?"

there's a pause, and the only sound in the room is their breathing. and then namjoon kisses him again, soft and quick, and tells him, "yes."
jungkook moans, and then he shifts back in namjoon's lap, dropping his hands to the waistband of namjoon's pants. he tugs, unbuttoning them and pulling them down while namjoon lifts his shirt over his head.
jungkook climbs out of namjoon's lap just long enough for him to pull his pants off too, and then he's climbing back over him, wrapping his arms around namjoon's neck and kissing him hard, breathing in deep.
namjoon's hands are on his hips again, just holding on as jungkook moves himself into place, reaching down between his legs to wrap his fingers around namjoon's thick cock. jungkook has a moment of deja vu, a memory of trying this before.
namjoon must have the same thought, because he tenses. for just a moment, but jungkook feels it and it aches in his chest. he never wants namjoon to feel that way again. he reaches up to cup his palm against namjoon's cheek, and presses their lips together.
he kisses namjoon, pours everything he's feeling into the kiss, and hopes that namjoon feels some of it. he hopes namjoon feels just a fraction of what he makes jungkook feel every day. then he pulls back, lines himself up, and sinks down on namjoon's cock.
the sound namjoon makes is worth every hour jungkook worked for this. it's worth every sleepless night jungkook spent imagining what it would be like to be with namjoon since the day they met. it's worth every moment of his life that somehow led him here.
the way namjoon trembles when jungkook takes him to the hilt so easily, the way his arms come up to wrap around jungkook's middle, the way he clutches at jungkook's ribs and drops his head against jungkook's neck to moan against his collarbone.
"jungkook," he sighs, breath hot against jungkook's skin.

jungkook just holds him tighter, kisses his temple and rolls his hips in a slow grind. he feels namjoon moving inside him, hitting so deep, stretching him so well, just the way he imagined every time he dreamt of this.
he wants to tell namjoon how good it feels, but he can't breathe, can't speak. all he can do is keep moving, keep feeling the way namjoon clutches him so close, fingertips digging into jungkook's skin.
"jungkook," namjoon groans again. his voice cracks, sounds wet. jungkook hums, leaning back with his arms still resting on namjoon's shoulders, hands crossed behind his neck. he keeps moving his hips, but he starts pulling back more, raising himself up just to drop down again.
"jungkook, you really --" namjoon cuts off when jungkook drops himself down again, harder than before. namjoon's hands drift down his back, smoothing over his spine until he's got a palm resting across each side of jungkook's ass, and he's pulling jungkook down even harder.
jungkook whines to urge him on, reveling in the feeling of namjoon letting go and taking jungkook the way he wants. namjoon's hands squeeze, digging into the meat of jungkook's ass and spreading him apart, so it's even easier for namjoon to thrust up into him.
"fuck, jungkook," he breathes, kissing along jungkook's collarbone. "you feel so good, so fucking good,"

jungkook preens, leaning back further so namjoon can see the curve of his chest, the dip of his waist.
namjoon groans, eyes tracing the lines of jungkook's body, taking in the sight. jungkook reaches up to push namjoon's sweaty bangs away from his forehead, so he can look directly into namjoon's eyes when he raises himself up and fucks himself back down on namjoon's cock.
"come on," jungkook breathes out. he feels overwhelmed already -- not from the feeling of namjoon finally inside him, but from the way namjoon is looking at him. with something a little like reverence, and a lot like love.
it makes jungkook feel like breaking. he feels a prickling at the corners of his eyes and he's worried for a second that namjoon will think he's hurting again, that he'll want to stop and jungkook will have fucked everything up.
but namjoon just reaches up, traces his thumb across jungkook's cheekbone, and kisses him on the mouth.
namjoon kisses him and jungkook feels the tears start flowing freely, and he hates it because he thinks he looks awful when he cries and he doesn't want to be crying right now, he doesn't want to ruin this moment.
but namjoon just kisses him, over and over and over, on his lips, on his cheeks, across his jaw. he kisses him until jungkook's tears dry and it's just the two of them rocking together again, feeling that connection neither of them will ever be able to describe.
namjoon leans forward, one hand sliding between jungkook's shoulders and the other resting on his lower back, bracing him as he moves them until jungkook is on his back, and namjoon is hovering over him. he smiles down at jungkook and jungkook's heart swells, so full it hurts.
namjoon leans down to kiss him again, and jungkook feels a drop of sweat land on his cheek. he laughs, wiping it away like namjoon wiped his tears earlier, and pulls him closer so their chests are pressed together.
"love you," jungkook says into namjoon's kiss, and doesn't think anything of it. it's true, he knows it's true, he's known for years that it's true. it doesn't feel like a revelation to speak it aloud.

but it makes namjoon pause.
he pulls back to look into jungkook's eyes when he smiles and tells him, "i know." jungkook grins back up at him, reaching out to brush his bangs away from his face again. "i know," namjoon says again, almost laughing. "you're so --" he leans down and kisses jungkook on the lips.
he thrusts his hips forward, deep but so slow. "love you too," he whispers back, and then he fucks jungkook like he means it. cradles him in his arms and kisses him sweet and soft.
namjoon slips an arm around jungkook's waist when he arches his back, pulling him up and changing the angle so jungkook makes the softest gasping sounds with each new thrust.
jungkook feels like he's falling away, like namjoon is taking him apart piece by piece. he feels so good, so warm and whole and cared for and /loved/, and he hopes namjoon feels just a fraction of what he feels.
he kisses namjoon and hopes he can feel it, that he knows why this was so important to jungkook, why it mattered so much to him beyond just the act itself. but he thinks maybe, when namjoon whispers a quiet "thank you" in his ear, namjoon knows.
jungkook groans, tangling his fingers in namjoon's hair to pull him closer, so he's breathing into jungkook's neck, kissing everywhere he can reach, and jungkook is arching off the bed into him.
jungkook feels so stretched thin, body aching and shaking with the emotions washing over him, and the way he's been on edge for so long. he just wants to come now, wants that release, wants to feel the catharsis of coming with namjoon in this moment.
"please," he says, because he doesn't know how else to say what he needs. but namjoon must know that too, because he traces his hands down jungkook's side, kisses the sensitive spots of his neck up his jaw until they're kissing again, namjoon's tongue between jungkook's teeth.
then he fucks jungkook harder. the way they both need right now, feeling the way he hits so deep, feeling the rush and the frenzy as the moment builds and emotions overflow.

"namjoon," jungkook gasps, tossing his head back and gripping namjoon's biceps hard, hanging on.
"you're so," namjoon breathes against jungkook's skin. "everything. you're my everything," he says, and jungkook feels like crying again. instead, he holds namjoon close, grinds up into him as namjoon keeps fucking him, and comes between their stomachs.
namjoon groans, holds jungkook to him so tight that it hurts, but jungkook never wants him to let go. he feels the way namjoon's hips jerk, off rhythm, thrusting into jungkook as deep as he can, and he holds namjoon through the aftershocks, kissing his wet hair.
jungkook rubs his hand along namjoon's back, caressing every part of him that he can reach. he feels so full, overflowing with so much emotion. it's so much, he doesn't know how all of it could come from him, just because of this one person in his arms.
jungkook holds him until he comes down, until he's leaning back so he can look down at jungkook in awe when he says, "you're something else."

jungkook grins up at him. "that's a good thing, right?"

namjoon nods, leaning down to kiss him again before he answers. "of course."
"thank you," namjoon says again.

jungkook hums, reaches up to rest the palm of his hand against the back of namjoon's neck. he pulls namjoon back down, holds him there, kisses him as long as he wants before he finally lets namjoon pull away.
"just wanted to give you something," jungkook says.

namjoon smiles at him. he reaches up to trace a fingertip down the bridge of jungkook's nose. "you already give me so much."
jungkook wants to tell him that he'll give namjoon so much more. whatever he needs, whatever he wants. everything jungkook is and everything he could be. but he's not so great with words, and he doesn't know if he could get it right.

so instead, he leans up and kisses him.
he thinks namjoon gets it, though. because when he pulls away, namjoon is smiling at him like he's something precious, something cherished. like he's in awe that he even gets to look at him.

jungkook can see it, because that's exactly what looking at namjoon makes him feel.
he feels good here in namjoon's arms, full and sated and happy. but also a little tired, a little achy, and a little sticky. so when namjoon offers to clean him up, and maybe draw him a bath if he wants one, jungkook is quick to agree.
it gives him time to think, to replay the night and savor his favorite moments, tucking them away safe in his memories. he thinks he wouldn't mind doing this more often, feeling namjoon deep inside him like that.
but he also thinks, that maybe, more than that, tonight was about doing something for namjoon. offering namjoon something of himself, some piece of him that he could have and share and cherish.
the thought makes him smile, and when namjoon comes back into the bedroom and sees him like that, smiles back at him before he even asks what jungkook is thinking about to make him grin like that, jungkook can only smile wider.
because he's thinking about all the new ways he can discover this same feeling, this same shared moment with namjoon. and all the time they'll have together to do it.
[the end, finally! thanks to everyone who read this 11k thread monster. i'll edit and post this on ao3 soon, probably with a bonus scene i want to write but just don't have the time to add to this thread. i'll post the link here when it's up. thanks again! hope you liked it 💕]
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