Listen, I know this is a bad thing and all, but...

I now totally want to have children because it would be a proud maternal moment for me to birth the evolutionary miracle of a kid with horns…
I meant to respond earlier (and say thanks — but that feels really inappropriate because: 1) I’m not paid to be insane on Twitter, so I can’t call it my work; 2) case in point: my last Tweet).

Nonetheless, thanks for encouraging my bad behavior! ❤️

But birthing a baby with horns, on the other hand, likely wouldn’t be as impressive for me...if you knew my family.

Still. It’s the thought that counts.


EVIDENCE — FB profile photo. Living in Cairo, c. 2013.
Take a moment with me, Twitter, to bask in the stunning prescience of my absolute GENIUS.

I’ve never been prouder of an intellectual discovery.
... so I just checked my voicemail and I’m sooooooo tempted to post one —

from my brother who calls me at 4 am once every 6 leave me absolutely insane drunk messages that always start “I love you” and end “fuck off.”

Point being... yes. My issue: likely genetics.
My ONLY blood relative is... a drunker, more offensive version on Louis CK.

Dear. God.
Oh, do I want to share that voicemail. But I won't.

Because these are some text messages. And they look like the epitome of piety in comparison.

I love my absolutely, inexcusably insane, unbelievable offensive brother - and thank GOD he's the only one I've got.
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