I have a former student named Stan*. I’ve been sharing his commentary on Facebook for 3 years. Folks think he’s funny. 🙄 In honor of his recent graduation, I’m going to start positing the stories here. Here’s our very first interaction, 3 years ago. 👇🏾
Me: What is this?
Stan: See...a shape up is when you...
Me: I know what a shape up is. Sit down!
Stan: *walking back to his seat, mumbling* I'm just saying. He'll line you up right.
Stan: Ms. Buddington, I lost my book. Can you scan and email the chapters to me?
*looks at email incredulously, this child wants me to scan thirteen chapters*
Stan: Wow. Ms. Buddington, you're not married and the holiday is over. You have time.
Student: I need to detonate my mom.
Stan: I don't think you're using the word right. Ms. Buddington, what does detonate mean?
Student: Be quiet, Stan!
(It was a family tree assignment. He meant interrogate.)
That same student decided to argue with another teacher. Stan did not like this.
Student *storming out*: I don't care what you do! Call my mother!
Stan: We can't! You detonated her, remember?!
We're learning about the Roman Republic that day. Patricians are the wealthy class; plebeians are the working class.
Stan stands up mid class.
Stan: Yooooooo! Yoooooo! Yooooo, Ms. Buddington...you don't see that...
*Marcus rolls eyes and sucks teeth*
Marcus & Stan:
Stan *pauses mid-excitement*: You know...I'm trying to make real-time connections, while you're trying to connect this line *points at Marcus’ hairline*
Marcus: See? Patricians were not just wealthy, they were probably the smartest. Smart enough not to make comments like that. That's why they made the laws. My family would've been patr....
*Stan flies back in*:
Me: STAN. MARCUS.
Me: The character is about to go back in time. Prepare yourself. *makes awkward teacher whirring sound*
Stan: What the? You be whylin, Ms. B.....
Me: Um, Marcus!
Stan *under his breath*: Oh word?
Okay, Ms. Buddington.
Marcus: On July 31st, 1931...
Stan: Ms. Buddington, wasn't that when you were born?
*whole class laughs*
Marcus: The kids were outside playing manhunt on a cold...
Me: Pause, Marcus. Do you guys know what manhunt is?
Me: When I was a kid we used to...
Stan: Didn't you guys play hunt and gather?
Stan *plays it off*: What? What did I say?
Me: Anyway, my play brothers...
Stan *interrupts*: Cain and Abel...
These moments happened during community circle. These circles are about collectivism....I’m not sure Stan collected that.
Marcus: Me, me, me!
Me: Okay Marcus, go ahead.
Marcus: What is the name of a famous person in jail?
Dina: Nelson Mandela, but he was arrested unfairly.
Marcus: So was Bobby Schmurda!
Whole Class: YEAHHHHH!!!!!
Stan: What is wrong with y'all?! He's been selling crack since like the 5th Grade.
Stan*through the plexiglass*: GET UP OUT MY TRAP HOUSSSSSE!!!
The kids went around and said several cute things.
"Loving your friends and family."
Kids: "C'mon Ms. Buddington! What does it mean to you?"
Stan decided to speak for me, "Why y'all bothering Ms. Buddington? She's a Jehovah's Witness! She doesn't celebrate holidays!"
Stan *leans in and whispers*: I got you covered Ms. Buddington. I know you're single and independent. Don't let them judge you.
Stan: Ms. Buddington?
Stan: I need another word for "disaster."
Me: Stan, use the thesaurus.
Stan: *mumbling* I don't know why we can't just use Google. Mad old and...
Student: My pet died this weekend. We really loved him.
Stan: *stands up, flapping arms* FLY AWAY FROM HERE!!!
Me: Stan to better understand theme you have to...
Stan: SOMEBODY IS CALLING MY NAME!!
Marcus: I just feel like you guys are not open to his ideas. Give his ideas a chance.
Marcus: I do. I have ears.
Stan: DO YOU HEAR THIS RATIONALE?! DO YOU HEAR THIS?!! WHOSE MANS IS THIS?! 👋🏾
Stan *stares blankly*: And you're close-brained.
Marcus: I'm just saying. You don't know if things can work unless you try them. He should make me a part of the cabinet.
Stan: In his kitchen. As a jar. Of hot air. *walks off*
"Can we watch Moana?"
"Can we watch Friday After Next?"
"Why do we have to watch something that's PG-13?"
"Nah uh! Don't blow that breeze girl!"
"Stop don't go in there! It's cold!"
"Forget Marvel and D.C.! LG makes the best films."
"Looking like I caught a chill! Yeah, I'm buying the soundtrack."
I can't. #humbled
Me: So tell me about your day...
Stan: There’s not much to tell. I was in and out of the dean’s office all day.
Me: It’s DAY TWO!
Me: Okay Stan. Why were you in the dean’s office?
Stan: Because I gave the teachers advice.
Me: What kind of advice?
Stan: Well, the art teacher didn’t know what she was doing.
Stan: She was talking about all the compositions that we were gonna make and stuff but I couldn’t focus. She was wearing a yellow suit with a yellow shirt.
Stan: Then she gonna ask me to step outside because I said she looked like the character from The Mask.
Me: Why would you...
Me: How did you end up in the office?
Stan: I tried to take the pass on my way out because I needed to use the bathroom and she said no.
Me: Well she had good reason...
Me: Well what did she say to you when she stepped outside?
Stan: She didn’t say anything because she was too busy yelling about the pass! Talking about, “Stan, if you don’t put that pass back on the hook...we’re going to have a problem.”
Stan: SOMEBODY STOP ME!