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As a woman, I want to be more gentle. It’s something I value as a beautiful part of femininity. And yet, I find it very difficult. I get frustrated with myself over it. I realized something today... it’s really hard to be gentle when your past life fostered hardness. (Thread)
Next time you see a harsh, tough, anxious, even an angry woman - especially one who clearly wants to be better - say a prayer for her. The world does not teach women to BE women. It doesn’t let us. It chews us up and spits us out if we let it.
This isn’t to excuse or justify masculine behavior from women. It’s unbecoming, and I know it is unbecoming in me. But it takes more than the flip of a switch to change. It really does.
Our world is extremely broken. Families are chaotic. Pornography use followed by teenage fornication is the norm. I can sit here all day and wish I hadn’t made certain mistakes, but that doesn’t change anything. All I have is moving forward.
This applies to men too, of course, but my experience as a woman is more familiar. And being a woman in a post Christian world? It’s really hard. Even with Christ. Without Him? I don’t know how I survived at all.
I’m used to some of the effects of my past sins, but lately, it’s really the behavioral stuff that has been clear to me. The survival mode I find myself in, desperate and stony and scared out of my mind. Gentleness? Meekness? The men I used to know only used them to hurt me.
My boyfriend reminds me constantly how proud he is of how far God has brought, and maybe I should listen to him. Move forward, don’t look back. But to that means trusting. Trusting God. Trusting men. And that’s not easy.
And I was never a feminist. I never hated men. I was never raped. I was never physically abused (a couple borderline incidents). And still, this is how I ended up. Over a year as a Catholic, still unable to let go of old defense mechanisms when I’m anxious or upset.
It’s not about blaming the men in my past, not really. I was just as bad, in different ways, towards them. It’s Satan that I hate. It’s feminism and all it has wrought that I hate. It’s the lies I swallowed that I hate.
I guess I just want to remind everyone, especially myself, what a deep sort of compassion we need to have. I got to go to Adoration today, and I was just gazing at Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, and thinking about His compassion for me was so comforting.
He reminded me that dropping the cross, repeatedly, is just part of the climb to virtue. I’m not going to wake up and be the woman I want to be, just like that. I’m going to have to fight for it, and I’m going to fail, and I need to not let that discourage me.
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