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one of the things that drives me fucking crazy is how much anti-trans ppl don't even bother considering the evidence. they wanna act like we're the ones who aren't thinking, as if most of us hadn't spent our lives insisting the thing we knew couldn't be true.
ppl telling me "it's basic science" who don't care about the actual science. ppl telling me "the sexed body is divinely ordained in a created world to enact a purpose" who ignore when that body isn't functioning the way they believe it's supposed to.
the Catholic Church, one of the most implacable enemies of transgenderism, loves to call itself an "expert on humanity" but has little time for things that don't fit into its taxonomies
they wanna say we're the ones who are being reflexive and ideological, and sometimes that's true, but I can tell you a lot of us didn't reach this place because we *wanted* to. We tried like hell not to get here.
I had so many arguments and rationalizations for why I couldn't be trans, or why I shouldn't transition. It's just a fetish, it's just me being immature, i just need to find the right woman to help me feel like a man, this isn't how bodies work, this isn't how the universe works
we're the ones who have thought this out, done this work, spent time mulling and agonizing and weeping and eventually making a decision that in many cases violated everything we'd ever been taught because we *had no choice*
you'd think people who based their lives on faith would understand the power of knowing something you can't prove.
Which, actually, seems worth exploring a bit. Whatever preponderance of evidence there might exist, ultimately a trans person is an individual who has wrestled with a contradiction in their soul that they cannot resolve unless they embrace it...
...and, like when Abraham took Isaac to Moriah, do the thing that they must do even if they can't explain why. We dive off the cliff, certain that there will be, unseen, the hands of God to catch us.
Transitioning, for me anyway, feels an awful fucking lot like an act of faith.
I love Kierkegaard, and his seminal work Fear and Trembling is about that exact thing: what faith is, how it works, and how it demolishes everything in its way because it *has* to.
He calls it "the teleological suspension of the ethical," the idea that Abraham can march off to sacrifice Isaac on that mountain because he knows God won't allow harm to come to him. "Teleology", for those without bg in philosophy, is something's "purpose" or "end" (telos)
Ultimately, it means that when you have the purpose, when you know the end, you can power forward because you're acting on a level beyond rationality.
I don't have any interest in knocking faith. I may not have much in the way of religion anymore, but I know how compelling it is, and I think there's a strong case to be made for transitioning starting there: the knowledge, in your heart, that an impossible thing must be true.
and indeed, it must be true almost *because* it is impossible; there's a deeper connection, something instinctive and immaterial, some knowledge you can't quite describe, something ridiculous but undeniably true
Abraham, taking his son and marching to Moriah; he knows what God has commanded him, knows he cannot do it, knows he must, reaches the certainty of faith: "God himself will provide the ram of sacrifice."
At that point, according to the text, God had told him no such thing. He said “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
But he went. He got up and went, and took his son, and laid him on the altar, and *raised his knife to strike"
Abraham, in short, was operating outside rationality. And in the end, the decision to transition, the recognition of your identity within yourself, is as much an act beyond reason.
not trying so much to do theology here, so sorry for the digression, but I can't stop thinking about the centrality of faith, at least for me, in getting to transition. Because I used to drive myself mad.
"How is it," i asked myself, "that I can apply something exterior to myself -- What It's Like To Be A Woman -- to something *interior* to myself? How is it I can even *identify* this feeling accurately enough to act upon it?"
brb gonna go make a smoothie
Kierkegaard defined faith as the willingness to dive off a cliff knowing there was something there to catch you. Indiana Jones stepped off the ledge even though he couldn't see the bridge. I transitioned, not because I was *certain* I was a woman but because I knew I had to.
I, in short, acted in faith; where I couldn't resolve my doubts through argumentation or education, or where I ran into epistemological road blocks, I listened instead to the cri du coeur ringing in my head since I before I could remember.
In Christian circles this is often called "to be convicted," where an internal sensation is so overpowering it's believed to be God's voice. And that's what it felt like: a powerful push, a demand my soul was making on my mind and body.
That there was, beyond anything I could see, something deeper at play that needed to be surrendered to.
so I did the impossible thing

i woke and went to mount moriah to sacrifice myself

and i rose again on that altar






welcomed into life itself
i acted on faith and now i live where before i was a walking corpse rotting to the bone

i wish christians understood that
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