listen up fellas.
while there are plenty of DL misogynists who put on a good front & then act shitty one on one, theyre *not* the majority. most toxic men are p clearly shitty & if a dude is being misogynistic it’s rly not on women & femmes to tell u not to be pals w him
every time some guy gets outed as being a sex pest or a rapist or a creep or an abuser or just generally shitty to women there’s so many men who get real performatively upset about it & wring their hands on some “i had no idea” shit.
while that’s true sometimes, most of the time they did have an idea, the signs were all there, they were just ignoring them bc they didn’t wanna believe it.
and i get it. it’s real hard to accept the fact that this person u at least kinda like is also a misogynist.
too often when some guy gets outed as a sex pest or a rapist or an abuser or a creep or just generally shitty to women, there’s a lot of men being performatively upset & for each one of those there is at least two women and/or femmes being like “shit, that makes so much sense.”
in leftist spaces they’re maybe not as blatant as in the rest of the world where dudes are more overt w their misogyny, but they’re hard to miss if ur paying any attention.
so please enjoy this handy guide to misogynistic tells from ur host Kit Snicket.
a. how does he talk to women & femmes? is he a mansplainer? does he talk over them? does he practice active listening or does he just wait for them to stop talking so he can say whatever he wants to say?
b. does he value the labor of women & femmes or does he take it for granted? women & femmes have historically taken on A GREAT DEAL OF LABOR, most of which is not especially fun or glamorous, in leftist groups & often it goes largely unacknowledged by the men in the group (contd)
(1b contd) does your friend do this? does he take credit for things that wouldn’t have been possible without groundwork laid by women & femmes or take credit for the achievements of women & femmes?
c. we all internalize the oppressive shit we’re taught, so we’re all shitty sometimes, how does ur friend respond to being called out on misogyny? does he get defensive? does he tone police? does he try to point at women he’s close to as a “get out of accountability” card?
d. does ur friend only seem to acknowledge or support women he finds attractive or women who conform to beauty conventions? when he’s talking about women & femmes does he talk about their looks at irrelevant times? does he unnecessarily compliment women & femmes?
e. if ur friend involves himself in some kind of group or action that’s centered on liberation of women & femmes does he stand back, let them lead, amplify their voices, & lend a hand where he is asked to, or does he try to rush in, take charge, & center himself?
a. does ur friend know a single woman anarchist other than lucy parsons, emma goldman, or rosa luxembourg & can he actually tell u anything about them? this is especially important if he’s one of those mfers that reads theory.
b. when ur friend talks about women & femmes does he seem to take them as seriously as he does men? on the flip side, does he often seem to go overboard w his seriousness like he’s trying way too hard to prove he’s the Woman Respecter?
c. does ur friend talk about struggles that primarily affect women & femmes? does he approach them w the gravity they deserve or does he seem to write them off as less important than other struggles? does he frequently criticize the way women & femmes organize their resistance?
d. does ur friend respect sex workers? does he REALLY respect sex workers or does he just say he does while doing nothing to back it up? if he consumes their content does he pay them? or does he just follow them on twitter and comment on the pictures and clips they post for free.
a. does ur friend seem to always bring up what women & femmes look like at times other than instances where it’s relevant, like when he’s trying to describe them to someone who might know them?
b. does ur friend slut shame women & femmes? does he talk shit about women & femmes he feels are too promiscuous? does he speak up when he hears other ppl slut shaming women and/or femmes & tell them to stfu?
do you?
c. how many “crazy exes” does ur friend have? do u have any evidence that any of these women and/or femmes were actually abusive, or is it possible they simply had feelings he found to be inconvenient and/or they weren’t willing to accept his shitty treatment of them.
this is just a basic ass list of questions to ask urself & things that can indicate lowkey, or in some cases not-so-lowkey misogyny. these are the things that we, the women & femmes who so often are unsurprised when another shitbag gets outed look for.
u know what else? if ur a man, esp if ur a cis man or pass as one, u should be asking urself these questions too.
we ALL internalize the fuckery of our society & its a forever process to unlearn that shit & push back on ur privilege. pobodys nerfect, but we can all try our best.
for men a huge part of trying ur best is to CALL OUT UR BROS.
seriously. do it on ur own, don’t wait for a woman to tell u ur friend sucks.
men listen to other men more than to women. pay attention. do the right thing.
i have a LOT more thoughts on this, but that’s gonna be future threads.
if u feel like u learned from this, a great way to acknowledge that is to send this tired ass hooker some money.
cashtag: $crimedoer161
venmo: crime_doer
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