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An open letter to my late wife Bea about grief, loneliness and hope.

#way

I just about qualified as Widowed And Young when you died, being as I was 48 in February 2017. I've documented much of that journey before in my blog so I'm not going to rehash that.

1/10
In the intervening 2 and a half years I'd almost got to the point of acceptance. I've enjoyed life but no matter how good the night out, how much fun the race, it was still an empty bed I returned to. You persisted in being gone despite how much I told you I missed you.

2/10
I've kept things going and I still tidy up and arrange the cushions on the bed as I know you'd like that. I wasn't living though, your memory tied me to a past I could not return to. I done my best for the kids but I'm afraid the garden's a mess, I will sort it.

3/10
Before you left you told me you'd want me to find someone else. This has not been easy. For a very long time I've been resolved to being single, how could any else measure up? It's been so difficult to let you go. In the darkest times I'd half considered joining you.

4/10
I couldn't though, the children need looking after and no way would they keep the kitchen clean!

The dreams I've had with you in, oh they were quite cruel, sweet memories then a realisation you are not there.

But I need to tell you something now, and it's not easy.

5/10
Every single day since you went I've said I miss you Bea. Either out loud or in my head.

They other day I said I miss you, and then I said Claire, not Bea.

It suprised me.

Because as you know I've been dating again. Tried internet dating, didn't work out.

6/10
But then this lady, who I knew and was friends with, well we started getting closer. We started properly going out, we kissed.

And something wondeful happened. Like a huge weight lifting I didn't realise I was carrying. I felt wanted and I wanted to be with someone.

7/10
I never thought I'd feel that way again. Of course you were clever enough to know, despite my protestations, that it would be something I'd need and find in the future.

And so I thank you for being so kind, so loving and so clever. I will of course never stop loving you.

8/10
I have something good again in my life, I am looking forward again, I have hope.

I hope it lasts, I really do. I know at least I have the capacity to live again, to properly live again.

You knew it, but then you knew me very well. I feel no guilt and that's down to you.

9/10
I do still miss you Bea, but I can't spend the rest of my life looking back. You were and will continue to be a large part of who I am.

I can finally give myself permission to be happy, and without your words I couldn't have.

Thank you.



10/10
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