, 35 tweets, 5 min read
It's time to drink martinis and clean the kitchen

As one does
Hallo peeples
There's a very good chance I'm going to keep tossing back martinis and decide to make a historical assessment of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, colored, of course, by gin.

If you're lucky, that is
The senior boy scout troop leader is definitely wearing a WWI officer's tunic

It's obvious through the gin, even
Which is funny because it's supposed to be 1912, when the US Army wasn't doing Mandarin collars yet

It took me a long time to type "collars"

Be proud of me
Let "it belongs in a museum" be my battle cry

Also, let "fund the goddam museums" be the song of my people
Someday, I'm gonna do tweed and bow ties and glasses, just in honor of Dr Jones

Fairly certain the Army is gonna frown on it but whatevs

I'm also fairly certain I'd jump out of a window to avoid grading term papers
Man, the ten-bit US Nazi's apartment is cheesy and gilt-edged af

Definitely neuvo riche

Huh, wonder how he came out of the Great Depression so well since it's 1938

Oh right, Nazi.
Suuuuure, a Medieval manuscript is just sitting out in the open, exposed to light and moisture, and is still nice and colored

If I was Indy, I'd be like "look asshole, this doesn't add up, the preservation is all wrong"
Historians and archeologists should always be wary of someone throwing gobs of money at them

Because there ain't no money in what we do, and if someone is throwing money, it's probably cause they've got a motive and shit

Also, beware of hot German blondes
The only reason Indy is a living anthropologist/archeologist is that he does things that no anthropologist/archeologist could ever stomach

Like destroying SO MANY ARTIFACTS AND GRAVES

DUDE THERE GOES ALL YOUR PRIMARY SOURCES, AND YOU DONT EVEN HAVE JSTOR YET
Did ya know, the John Mackay, one of the ships Indy goes between, was an undersea telegraph cable repair ship, laid down in 1922, initially stationed in Halifax. She laid cable in the Med and Pacific during WWII, the film was one of her last appearances before scrap in '94
WAIT ONE, GIN REFUELLING TIME

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Look, I've been to tons of academic conferences and never once had my hotel room tossed, Indy, get your shit together

Well, by anyone other than myself that is
Wait, how chill are Italian-Austrian borders in 1938 that Indy can just slide across all cool like.

"Nazis...I hate these guys."

Same, bro, same.
Suuuuuuure, like I can believe all this

like a Medievalist is also an expert on the 14th century Ming dynasty

Gimme a break, Hollywood, academics don't cross pollinate
That moment you realize you and your dad done the dirty with the same woman
General Veers doesn't look much better as a Nazi operative

He'd still botch the attack on Hoth

YEAH IT WAS BOTCHED, HAD THE REBELLION INTEGRATED A COMBINED ARMS DEFENSE AND EA DEV, THE IMPERIALA WOULD'VE BEEN TOAST
Yes, Indy, YOU HAVE TO WRITE THINGS DOWN IN FOOTNOTES TO REMEMBER THEM, you can't just remember shit off the top of your head

He never faced peer review, did he
"but you stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything the Grail stands for, who gives a damn what you think"

Man, how cool was it in the days where we thought we'd left the Nazi fuckery in the 1940s
Also, how cool was it when you could just catch a dirigible to go places

Dirigibility. Totes a thing
Throwing Nazis outta dirigibles

An American pastime
Wait, what passenger plane has an armed biplane attached in a time of peace

Also, don't make Medievalists tail gunners

They're too often illuminated and not focused on leading the enemy aircraft to get a good kill
Is it considered a "bird-out" if the crash is caused by a shit-ton of birds?
Wait, what is this up-gunned Mark VIII...thing. two 57mm side guns and a 6 pounder main gun...

And Indy is shit at calculating ranges

Don't let him run any patrols
This is also the longest that any Mk VIII has ever run without breaking down

The secret is apparently to never do maintenance on it
Tank vs rock in barrel

ROCK IS VICTORIOUS

ROCK BEATS SCISSORS AND TANK BUT IS DEFEATED BY PAPER

aka

PAPER BEATS TANK
Btw, the Indy and dad hug over the cliff is basically Field of Dreams for historians and other liberal arts people who can't express ourselves

Don't knock it, it's our cultural heritage
This movie tests the limit of hearing "penitent" so many times that it doesn't actually mean anything

We're all merely 20 reps of hearing any given word from going mad

So that's fun
Dafuq wrong with this knight that he wasn't likkw "huh I wonder what's going on out there, it's been, like a hundred years or so" but is still here hundreds of years later
"I'm not a historian, I have no idea what it looks like"

THATS RIGHT THE FUCK YOU DON'T, NAZI PRICK
Y'all realize Indy is gonna live forever cause he drunk from the cup so Disney can make unlimited shitty adaptations

*Harrison Ford screaming emoji*
*those feels when she chooses the Holy Grail over you*

*And then dies*
How TF does this movie end with a magnificent seven ride off into the sunset except it's the terrific three

Where's the bibliography? Works cited? What is this, amateur hour?
Anyways, here's my cat
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