, 23 tweets, 11 min read Read on Twitter
I am angry.
I am hurt.
And I am afraid.

I just picked the children up from their visitation w their domestically abusive father.

My daughtr gets in the car & starts telling me how this visit was a little better for her. Then she tells me WHY it was better...
Do you remember the last dropoff, when my 12yo panicked and fought bc she didn't want her abusive dad to touch her and he wouldn't stop? The incident that she talked about in the subtweeted video above? Do you remember that he told her if she refused his affection, he'd slap her?
My 12yo girl told me that THIS visit was better bc she figured, if she cant make him stop, if fighting him off won't work, then she'd make a deal with him, that even though she didn't want him to hug her, she would tell him he could if he agreed not to tickle her & other touches.
SHE. MADE. A. DEAL. with a man whose touch panicked her so badly that she fought him.

My child negotiated her right to her own body, to be free of unwanted touch, to satiate the will of a man who would not acknowledge the trauma he inflicted, who demands whatever he wants. #DVAM

How many times? How many women? How often do they refuse to stop, convince us that our violation is inevitable, how often do they scare us, throw our powerlessness in our faces until they force us into resignation,to deny our own human need for safety?

I told her over and over that if she wants to hug him, that is so very fine. I asked her, "Did YOU want to?" The answer was "No, but I thought it would help since he won't stop anyway."
#domesticabuse #DVAM
And you may not understand...You may not know what it is to resign to die just a little and then a little bit more, to teach yourself your humanity and autonomy are negotiable just so you can bear the violation of your mind, your soul, your body, your heart.
#domesticabuse #DVAM
I sat there in the driving seat, listening to my daughter essentially recount that what he had done to me, he was finally achieving some success in doing to her.

You see, that's part of what's hurting me so badly for her. #DVAM #domesticabuse
I listened to my 12yo daughter describe doing the very thing I had privately done where no one could see. Resignation. Because I couldnt get away and I couldn't make him stop and crying didn't stop him, saying "you're hurting me" or "I dont like that" wouldnt make him stop. #DVAM
So I made deals with him nonverbally. Deals with myself. I ceased fighting for a time and let him do what he wanted, to try to keep his ire with us down that would come with retribution if I didn't. #domesticabuse #DVAM #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth
Got so desperate for something that looked like peace, that I overrode, fought, my own fight or flight instinct &laid there, like a corpse, and let him do what he was intent to do, bc I got wary at seeing the rage flare up, because he made me feel like there was no other choice.
"No other choice but to just give him what he wants. Even if it means u have to cease being fully human.

Betray yourself.
Betray your own fire.
Betray your own spirit.
Abandon your body.
Bc what is there left to do if we cant make it stop, if we're scared but have to survive?"

And it's a type of death.

And he's teaching my children how to die to make room for the ugliness of men.

And my children MUST LIVE in EVERY way. They must live and BE WELL. #ThisMustEnd

#domesticabuse #DVAM #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth
And I'm teaching my children with words, but understand, dont kid yourself, there are few things more powerful, more salient, than a CONDITIONED FEELING.

I STILL have to fight the impulse to concede to his will in fear of making him angry (and I don't even live w the man).
And now my little ones feel it, too.
The impulse, the FEELING, to concede the safety, the comfortability, the autonomy of their own bodies, to satisfy the unfeeling, selfish will of a man.

I dont even have words for what I am right now.

Incredulous. Anguish. And so much more...
This is all I know: I've given up my whole life to fight for the lives of my children rn, to get them free and safe and WHOLE. And I don't care if I have to try to shake the whole world upside down, I wont walk away from this without doing whatever I can to protect them. #DVAM
This fight has been going on in courts. He has a wealthy enabler & was counting on me not being able to AFFORD to stand. #FinancialAbuse The ONLY reason I've been able to stand, been able to survive this long, is bc of the giving and shares of you all.But we dont have enough yet.
When I say every dollar you give makes a real difference in me getting my children free of this man and every way he reverberates suffering through our lives, I MEAN THAT.

Our time is running out, and we need so much more than we have. gofundme.com/f/bemyarmy?rci…
If you want to help:
#DomesticAbuse #SupportSurvivors

cashapp: cash.me/$CaffeinatedLi…

venmo: CaffeinatedLiving

paypal (select the fam/friend option to avoid fees!): paypal.me/AlexisCL

These children have been experiencing one adult after another failing them. God help me, I wont fail them. If you're willing, SHARE across all social media -Instagram, your Facebook page, Facebook groups, Twitter- even email. And if you're able, consider GIVING.🙏🏾 #WeNeedAMiracle
I hear October is #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth. If you wanted to do something small to help someone this month, consider us. Every dollar is one more dollar than we had. It's not small to us. Please share over & over again. Help us reach our goal. #DVAM
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