It’s World Mental Health Day today. It also happens to be the birthday of a person I love very much, a person I spent nearly a decade living with and being deeply in love with, and have in many ways, lost to mental illness. 5 years ago, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
He’s currently institutionallised. For the 4th time in 3 years. He hates it. I hate it. There seems to be no real way out: his family is unable to give him the care he needs, nor do they fully grasp his illness. I got exhausted being a sole caregiver & couldn’t keep going
This country has next to zero spaces or support structures for someone who’s severely ill. And nothing for their caregivers. It’s a shitty, lonely battle & eventually boils down to how much privilege can offset how poor the resources are (spoiler: not a lot). It’s dark and scary
I spent years of my life running from pillar to post meeting doctors, visiting ‘institutions’, seeking support and found none. I’d occasionally meet a good doctor but they’d all be so resigned about his fate & for the most everyone in the mental health community acknowledges
how dire the circumstances are. How terrible infrastructure, available institutional support, and general community support are. There is no way out. None. I’ve resigned to it. Except to make sure his life is as alright as possible, that he knows he is loved. And understood.
The sheer horror of mental illness in India: I even started resenting how celebs & influencers co-opted the conversation and made it about what I thought was much less horrific anxiety/depression. I realised I was just angry and alone when it came to severe illness and its care
It’s his birthday today. I can’t take him the apple crumble cheesecake I’ve taken for his birthday for over a decade coz he’s not allowed sugar. He’s dying to get out, nobody in his family knows where to ‘put him’ and I just miss the floppy haired boy who sang an ode to my dimple
I lost that boy years ago. He’s no longer the same person and I never know how to grieve or mourn him even though he’s long gone. I think some bits are still there, but they’re not easy to look at. And meanwhile, I keep trying to talk about this stuff and help ppl in whatever way
I wish I could say there’s a silver lining somewhere here. There isn’t, so much. I’m sorry for all who have been in this position, either ill or caregiving. You can reach out to me, I’ll try and listen. Oher than that, let’s hope someday this changes 🤷🏾♀️
And just like that: back to work, meetings, chores, and all the things I am lucky to be able to do ‘outside’.
