, 16 tweets, 6 min read
#pleaseread Thread: Couldn’t understand why I could not sleep. I then realise that it’s four years ago to the very night that I hit my lowest point. I was in despair, borderline suicidal with no idea what to do or where to go. All because of an abusive relationship.
I was with my bully of an ex. He showed such narcissism that led me to believe that absolutely everything was my fault. I was never good enough. I’d been bullied so much that I’d lost over 20kgs in stress and fear in just over 12 months. I’d become a crumbling wreck.
He told me this night he debated leaving me as he didn’t find me sexy. I was ugly. That I didn’t do it for him anymore, and I believed it was all me. I wasn’t good enough. I was frozen. He still wanted sex but then berated me when I couldn’t do it. Too scared. Leaving me in tears
I knew if I didn’t make him happy he’d leave me. He constantly accused me of cheating. I hadn’t. I knew he was chatting/flirting with other women. I didn’t know what to do, he constantly gaslighted me. I was tired, overwrought and broken inside. No confidence, nothing.
I was working that weekend, at the Birmingham dive show. Everyone could see how sick and worried I was. A friend pulled me to the side and told me I needed to leave him. But I was convinced I needed him. I was nothing without him. This is only part of what he did to me/my mind.
This night was hell. It was one of my lowest points, mostly because someone had broken me from the inside out. I’d allowed someone to make me believe I needed them more than I needed my own self esteem. I developed severe anxiety within this period. Of, which I still suffer now.
I’m writing this in the hope that sharing outward puts it to bed for me, or starts my healing. Every year I suffer.. I know this trauma doesn’t define me. I also hope that maybe it gives hope to anyone in a toxic relationship. You are enough just as you are. You CAN leave.
Four years later I’m married to a wonderful man who lifts me up. Who makes me feel I can do anything. He also doesn’t define me. I choose my own happiness, I choose what makes my life balance positive, he just happens to be ones of life’s awesome ones. It’s taken time to heal.
Please, for your own sake, know that you are never alone in an abusive relationship. These manipulators are amazing to warp your mind. But you can do it, they are not the be all of your life. You can find help. Here’s a list of phone numbers and links to help:
Domestic abuse hotline Uk: 0808 2000 247
Domestic abuse hotline USA: 1-800-799-SAFE
Uk Government advice on mental abuse:

gov.uk/guidance/domes…
This link Was the first step to recognising I needed to leave, it’s basic, but it starts the process of understanding what you are in. elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-to…
There is plenty more to this story, details I won’t discuss in public as they are too traumatic for me. I discovered other stories afterward, I was this first to receive this treatment. Repeat cycle. I’m just glad I got away as god knows where I’d be right now.
*wasnt the first. Damnit.
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