Thread by @fyeahmfabello

I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week:

The person who sent the text is a very good friend of mine. We have the kind of relationship wherein YES OF COURSE I would make time for her and her needs – as I know she would, me.

That is to say, she's the kind of person who doesn't "have to" ask for permission for my time.

What I mean by that is that I have an inner circle of people in my life who I expect to be available for (and who I expect to be available to me) – who are built in to my capacity.

But here's why that text was really, really important:

(1) It acknowledges that I have limited time & emotional availability.

(2) It asks permission to vent, rather than unloading without warning.

(3) It notes the content of the conversation, which could be triggering for me.

(4) It gives me a clear sense of the expectations for the conversation.

(5) It gives me an opportunity to say yes, no, or to counteroffer (e.g., "I'm busy right now, but I'll call you later tonight, if that works?").

I am the kind of person who people reach out to when they're in pain. Because I'm good at emotional processing AND logical problem-solving, I tend to be a go-to for my friends who need to externally process their experiences.

Which also means that at any given moment, I have several crises (or, at the very least, vent sessions) happening in my text messages at once.

On top of my followers who are in need of advice in my various inboxes.

On top of, you know, my own problems.

For someone to pause and think "I would really like to talk to Melissa right now, but let me check in to see if she has capacity for this" is *astounding* to me.

And it really shouldn't be.

Asking for consent for emotional labor, even from people with whom you have a long-standing relationship that is welcoming to crisis-averting, should be common practice.

Here's why:

It sets the tone for the conversation; I'm now prepared for what's coming, rather than feeling barraged.

It gives the listener the ability to do their best job; I can set myself up to have this talk, rather than being put on the spot.

AND it allows me to check in with myself and my own needs. It communicates "I respect that you are your own person who is already carrying a lot" – and it reminds me that it's okay for me to say no (or to come up with another arrangement) sometimes.

Too often, friends unload on me without warning – which not only interrupts whatever I'm working on or going through, but also throws me into a stressful state of crisis mode that is hard to come down from.

Unless it is TRULY an emergency, that's unfair.

Of course, sometimes we are truly in crisis and DO need someone's attn immediately. Or sometimes we're so thrown off psychologically that we treat something as a crisis when it isn't (hi hello I do this all the time).

But generally speaking, we should check in before we unload.

"Hey! I wanted to talk to you about x. Do you have the time and space to chat about this at some point today?" is a simple text to send.

So is "Hey! X just happened to me, and I'm very shaken up. Do you have a moment right now? If not, I'll reach out to someone else."

Because I'm going to be much more useful to you as a friend if I'm in the right state of mind to help you work through your problem.

And I'm almost never in the right state of mind when I receive a flurry of panicked texts out of the blue.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Sincerely,
A Human with Far Too Much Anxiety, Coupled with a Rescuer Personality, Not to Be Forewarned of an Oncoming Emotional Labor Energy Suck

PS: Someone reached out and asked for an example of how you can respond to someone if you don’t have the space to support them.

I offered this template: