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GOOD MORNING I HOPE YOU'RE ALL READY FOR SOME MORE IMPEACHMENT CLOWNFUCKERY! 🤡

Today's morning testimony is definitely one to watch! GORDON SONDLAND is up at 9AM EST! Watch link below:

To remind you all:

GORDON SONDLAND is the US ambassador to the European Union. Like Trump, he's a hotel magnate. Before he was appointed to his position was a huge donor to Trump's inaugural committee (to the tune of $1 million!). Prior to that, he donated massively to the GOP.
SONDLAND is considered to be the least credible witness, who was forced to update his private testimony after his recollection of the events around the Ukraine phone call and aid were disputed by *several* people. SONDLAND is the one who touted a quid pro quo! (he disputes this).
I'M HERE!!! I know today's going to be a shitshow, so I have a bunch of Innis and Gunn lager and whisky available because I'm seeking comfort in Scottish things today, I guess. #ImpeachmentHearing
I just want to congratulate Devin Nunes for looking like a stereotypical used car salesman today! But that's still a job that requires both a real personality and an ability to actually sell something.
DOES DEVIN NUNES JUST READ FROM THE SAME SPEECH HE WROTE ON A NAPKIN EVERY DAY OR WHAT
LOL Devin Nunes literally ended his opening speech with "PRETTY SURE GEORGE WASHINGTON DID SOMETHING MAYBE A LITTLE BIT KIND OF JUST A SMALL BIT SIMILAR BACK IN 17DERPDERP, AND DEMOCRATS WOULD HAVE IMPEACHED HIM, TOO."

fuck this i'm pulling out the whisky
LOLLLLLLLLLLL Sondland just said that he and others were pressured by the president to work with Giuliani. #ImpeachmentHearings
HI GUYS JUST TO UPDATE YOU, SONDLAND LITERALLY ADMITTED TO A QUID PRO QUO. Not an exact quote: "The resumption of security aid would not be secured unless Ukraine made a public statement that they were investigating the 2016 election at the direction of Giuliani"
Sondland just spectacularly threw both the president and rudy giuliani under the bus and we're not even out of the opening statement yet
HOW DO YOU GUYS THINK TRUMP IS DOING RIGHT NOW 🙃
"Was there a ‘quid pro quo? As I testified previously, with regard to the requested White House call and White House meeting, the answer is yes" -- #Sondland
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SHOUTOUT TO MIKE TURNER, YOU LOOK EVEN MORE LIKE A FUCKING FOOL THAN USUAL RIGHT NOW
Sondland's entire opening statement
HE THREW POMPEO, PERRY, MULVANEY AND MORRISON UNDER THE BUS

IT'S GETTING REALLY BLOODY UNDER THERE
HELLO? POLICE? I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A MASS MURDER
YES IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW ON LIVE TELEVISION AND THE BALD MAN AT THE US CAPITAL IS SMUGLY SHOVING A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT PEOPLE UNDER A RAPIDLY MOVING VEHICLE
Sondland: "everyone was in on the loop"

THAT LOOP REALLY LOOKS LIKE A NOOSE
the media wanted pizzazz

AND GOT A FUCKING ROCKET EXPLOSION
WELL THAT WAS JUST THE OPENING STATEMENT.
lmao even Adam Schiff was like, "uh that was a lot of new material in your opening statement"

trying to play it cool
Sondland's not going to jail for donald fucking trump
Sondland says “more and more conditions” had been placed on the meeting between the Ukrainian President and Trump.
OH as a few people pointed out, I forgot to mention Pence. YES, PENCE WAS TOSSED INTO THE CAREER BONFIRE. HE IS BLOODIED UNDER THE BUS. HE KNEW.
you'd think that a man giving this much dirt on this many people might look a little nervous, but this is literally Sondland right now:
HE IS GOING AFTER POMPEO AND PENCE
In case you missed my info tweet, Sondland had zero diplomatic experience prior to this role. He was a hotel magnate & GOP donor. And, um, IT SHOWS. His responses are not even carefully considered. He's just lighting the fucking match, burning the bridge, and watching the blaze.
Sondland is just trying to save his own ass right now.
LMAO GOLDMAN JUST SAID "IN THE ADDITIONAL MEMORY YOU HAVE GAINED IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS"
Goldman does NOT look impressed with Sondland. He looks like someone minutes away from saying, "SIR. YOU ARE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW BUT YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE."
Goldman: Is "president Volodymyr Zelensky 'loves your ass'" something you would have said?

Sondland: Yeah that sounds like something I would have said. The president and I communicate in four letter words! Or three letter words, in this case.

ME: *takes off sunglasses* MY GOD
Apparently all Trump cared about was a PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT from Ukraine about the investigation. A publicity stunt. That's it. He did not give a shit about an actual investigation into the 2016 election.

Shit that happens when you have a fucking reality TV show host as president
lmao Devin Nunes is literally that cartoon of the dog sitting in a burning room, going "this is fine"
SOMEONE TELL DEVIN NUNES THAT THE LAST TWO HOURS ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND THAT TRYING TO PUSH A DEMOCRAT CONSPIRACY THEORY MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A MASSIVE FUCKWAD LOSER
HOW DID DEVIN NUNES GET THIS JOB WHEN HE SOUNDS LIKE A MAN INTERROGATING A DOG SITTING NEXT TO A BITTEN UP TOILET ROLL GOING, "WHO BIT THE TOILET ROLL? WHO BIT IT?"
Devin Nunes asked Sondland, "Are you one of the three amigos?"

Sondland: I’m a proud part of the three amigos.

Nunes: that’s what Amassador Volker said yesterday.

Volker, yesterday: I cringe when people say three amigos.

LOL DEVIN NUNES IS SUCH A FUCKING CABBAGE
[a dramatic, satirical idea of what's happening]

Castor: the whole thing you said happened didn't happen, right?

Sondland: it happened

Castor: but it didn't happen the way PEOPLE SAY IT DID, right?

Sondland: it did happen that way though

Castor: OK BUT IF YOU LOOK SIDEWAYS
DID CASTOR GET HIS LAW DEGREE FROM FACEBOOK OR WHAT
I INTERRUPT MY INTOXICATED IMPEACHMENT THREAD FOR AN IMPORTANT UPDATE
They keep using the phrase "drug deal" literally and frankly cocaine would make way more sense than whatever the hell is going on right now
SOME DUDE JUST THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS, BETTER LAWYER UP, YOU WEE GOBLIN
i just want to remind everyone watching Steve Castor that he is, apparently, the best Republicans could do.
i'm pretty sure Steve Castor's spirit already left the room and the only thing remaining is a fucking husk just reading a bunch of questions from either a food stained lunch napkin or Devin Nunes's high school trapper keeper
WHAT IS THE REPUBLICAN DEFENSE? CAN ANYONE IDENTIFY IT, OR IS IT LIKE FINDING A KEY IN A DUMPSTER LOADED WITH COW SHIT
THANK FUCKING CHRIST THAT BIT IS OVER.
still can't get over steve castor shifting through his notes going "uh" with an expression that said "i want to go home"
Schiff announced another 30 minutes for Chairman, ranking member (devin nunes, UGHHHHHH) and their lawyers. Nunes must be fuming. Steve Castor has mentally left the fucking room.
I L O V E that Goldman has people testifying read out their OWN text messages and emails. It's incredibly effective. Honestly, he's an impressive counsel, and Castor looks embarrassingly inept in comparison.
Sondland confirms that the "deliverable" mentioned in his text message with Volker was indeed the investigation (or the announcement of it? That's what Trump REALLY wanted) of both Ukraine involvement in 2016 and into Burisma (IE the Bidens). He said "POTUS wants the deliverable"
SAME ENERGY
Giuliani is working SO HARD to cover his ass right now
DEVIN NUNES CALLED UKRAINE "GERMANY'S NEIGHBOUR". SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A FUCKING MAP, HE'S EMBARRASSING HIMSELF IN PUBLIC AGAIN
i'm so proud of devin nunes! it's amazing how much damage he's done to both his OWN reelection chances and his party in the last week! Congratulations, you magnificent fuck up!
Devin Nunes interrupted his own counsel to complain about the whistleblower again and this is another one of those instances where I wish we still pelted people with rotten vegetables
HOW IS STEVE CASTOR SO BAD AT THIS
WE'RE IN RECESS! I need food.
CHAMPION BULLSHIT PAPER STACKER JOHN RATCLIFFE IS UP!
"I yield my time to Mr Jordan"

IF SOMEONE OFFERED RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT TO LOP OFF MY EARS AND SPOON OUT MY EYES I MIGHT TAKE THEM UP ON IT
Jim Jordan right now arguing that if someone is bribed and they don't follow through on the bribe then that means the bribe doesn't exist.

JIM JORDAN IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF AN EMPTY POPCORN BAG ROTTING IN THE SUN
Jim Jordan is so aggressively stupid that he honestly believes that if there is no deliverable, that every attempt to procure the deliverable, I dunno, exists in some alternate fucking reality.

REPUBLICANS MOVED JIM JORDAN INTO THIS COMMITTEE SO HE COULD SCREAM FUCKING NONSENSE
To give you a visceral sense of the Republicans right now: it's like watching a bunch of drunk people playing soccer, only they've lost the ball and are trying to kick around a fucking half-eaten sandwich
Adam Schiff calling out Republicans for implying that if the word "bribery" wasn't used then "there was no bribery".

Schiff looks like a frustrated parent forced to enter an enclosed space and calm down a room of recalcitrant toddlers who are smearing shit all over the walls
BRAD WINSTRUP IS SAYING SCHIFF IS MISLEADING PEOPLE WHEN HE CLAIMED REPUBLICANS DENIED RUSSIA MEDDLING. "THAT'S NOT TRUE".

MAYBE BRAD WINSTRUP SHOULD TALK TO DEVIN NUNES, THEN. THIS MAGGOTY KITCHEN RAG IS TRYING TO GASLIGHT US ALL.
Jackie Speier: "The president has five Pinocchios on a daily basis, so let's not go there."

JACKIE 🙌

(this is her best line of questioning yet)
totally innocent man screams on the internet

Chris Stewart claiming the Ukrainian President didn't "feel" blackmailed

IMAGINE IF THE PRESIDENT OF A COUNTRY THAT DESPERATELY NEEDS OUR ASSISTANCE CAME OUT AND SAID "YES, YOUR PRESIDENT BLACKMAILED ME." IT'S NOT AS IF TRUMP LITERALLY JUST BETRAYED KURDISH ALLIES OR ANYTHING🙃
It's no surprise to me that the President of Ukraine would claim he didn't feel blackmailed even when the evidence suggests he was. He is NOT going to piss off the country giving him aid. He's not going to risk people in his country over a foreign dispute. This REALLY isn't hard.
JOAQUIN CASTRO IS UP!!! 😍
Joaquin Castro is trying to make a point that Mulvaney, who has a direct line to the president, has made previous statements about "we held up the funding", as well as statements that appeared to normalise this kind of quid pro quo.

(Joaquin is AMAZING)
A personal update: I won't be able to tune in for the second set of testimonies today. It's 8PM my time, and as many of you know, I -- an old -- usually go to bed around this time. So I'm going to finish up this hearing and that'll be it for me.
If you haven't been able to watch, THREE STATEMENTS were entered into the record from people implicated in Sondland's testimony: Rick Perry, VP Pence, and Mulvaney.

And none of these people want to testify.
JIM JORDAN LOUD SCREAMING
JIM JORDAN ANGRY NOISES
JIM JORDAN ARGHLEBARGLE
JIM JORDAN SCREEEEEECHY SCREEECHY BLOOPTY BUMBLEFUCK
JIM JORDAN: *sits back* 🤡

anyway that's jim jordan's time in sum
Sondland: Mr Maloney, I've been very forthright, and I don't appreciate what you're trying to do --

Sean Patrick Maloney: You've been very forthright, and how many times did it take you? THREE.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
SEAN PATRICK MALONEY DID NOT TAKE ANY BULLSHIT AND I AM HERE FOR IT
If Sondland doesn't revise this testimony, I would be surprised. He's resorting to slippery tactics to get out of questions. I'm sure his memory will improve again! Such a magic memory he has, that remembers information at the precise moment he's about to get fucked over!
Every Devin Nunes statement could be improved if you just started playing circus music and pelting him with peanuts
I think this is the loudest and firmest statement Schiff has made in these hearings yet. "I don't think the President was led by the nose by Rudy Giuliani, or anybody else."
Schiff ends his speech to a lot of deserved applause. That was the best, and most cogent, defense he's given on the Republican talking points so far. Good stuff.
And that's the Sondland testimony over! I'm going to head to bed, but I'll be back to cover tomorrow's testimony!

If you enjoyed my livetweet, feel free to donate! ❤️

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