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MANTIS ADVICE COLUMNIST

Dear Ms. Mantis,
My husband is a great guy except for this one small thing: he wants his five Sailor Moon sex dolls to sleep in bed with us. What should I do?
-Married2DollLover

Dear Married,

[EAT] [HIM] [IMMEDIATELY]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis,
My husband is so wonderful and perfect except he grows mold farms in our bedroom. Am I wrong to be upset? What should I do?
-MoldWife

Dear Mold,

[CLEAN] [HIM] [TO] [REMOVE] [MOLD] [THEN] [EAT] [HIM]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms. Mantis,
I really love my boyfriend and we have a great relationship but I found out he's dating three other girls. I'm not sure how I should handle this
-ConfusedGirlfriend

Dear Confused,

[DIVIDE] [MALE] [INTO] [FOUR] [PORTIONS] [SO] [ALL] [MAY] [CONSUME]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms. Mantis,
I am from Japan and my white American boyfriend won't stop introducing me/referring to me as his "Japanese" girlfriend. How can I tell him this bothers me?
-DatingAWhite

Dear Dating,
[MANTIS] [WILL][CÖNSÜMË][THIS][ONE][HERSELF][AM][APPROACHING][NOW]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis,
My husband is an AMAZING dad but I have to perform a sex act of his choice if I want him to acknowledge the baby's presence. What should I do?
-NewMom

Dear New,
[EAT] [HALF] [OF] [HIM] [SAVE] [OTHER] [HALF] [FOR] [WHEN] [OFFSPRING] [DEVELOPS] [TEETH]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis
My husband is 35 but insists on weekly beer pong tournaments in our cellar with his 26 friends. He's a GREAT guy but cleaning up after them is hard. What do I do?
-CleansALot

Dear Cleans
[I] [HAVE] [MANY] [HUNGRY] [YOUNG] [WE] [WILL] [ARRIVE] [SOON]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis
I'm pregnant & my husband (THE BEST MAN EVER) insists on naming our unborn child Shapiro Trump even though he knows I'm not a Republican. What should I do?
-Mom2Be

Dear Mom,
[NAME] [HUSBAND] [DINNER] [THEN] [EAT] [HIM]
-M A N T I S
[MANTIS] {REQUIRES] [FUNDS] [PLEASE] [PAY] [MANTIS]
-M A N T I S

Ko-fi.com/ellegato
PayPal.me/lindsaybeth
Dear Ms Mantis,
My boyfriend is WONDERFUL but he likes to use pet names for me all the time. He usually calls me "Tits McBoobs" or "Ass Licker." I've asked him to stop but he says I'm just too sensitive
-PetName

Dear Pet,
[FRY] [IN] [OIL] [BEFORE] [EATING] [HIM]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis,
My husband just spent 10,000$ to dress up as a character from Naruto. I want to encourage his passions but now we can't pay rent. What should I do?
-AnimeWife

Dear Anime,
[NARUTO] [RUN] [AT] [HIM] [THEN] [EAT] [HIM] [WITH] [RAMEN]
-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Mantis,
My husband is into politics. He holds meetings with his friends who call themselves "Proud Boys." I don't mind but I want them to clean up after themselves. What should I do?
-ProudWife

Dear Proud
[MY] [YOUNG] [AND] [I] [WILL] [EAT] [BOTH] [OF] [YOU]
-M A N T I S
[MANTIS] [IS] [PROUD] [TO] [ANNOUNCE] [GUEST] [HOST]

[MANTIS] [MUST] [LAY] [EGGS]

[ENJOY] [GUEST] [MS WASP]

-M A N T I S
Dear Ms Wasp,
I'm a black woman. At work, there's this white woman who always tries to touch my hair. How do I get her to stop?
-AnnoyedCoworker

Dear Annoyed
<ENVENOMATE> <HER> <THEN> <USE> <HER> <STILL-LIVING> <MEAT> <SACK> <TO> <LAY> <YOUR> <PRECIOUS> <EGG>
-W A S P
Dear Ms Wasp,
My mother-in-law calls my by my husband's ex-wife's name. She says it's accidental but she keeps doing it. Help!
-NewWife

Dear New,
<STING> <HER> <MULTIPLE> <TIMES> <UNTIL> <SHE> <IS> <DEAD>
-W A S P
Dear Ms Wasp
My friend is getting married & told me I have to lose like 50lbs before the wedding. I don't want to disappoint her but I also don't know if I can do it
-Bridesmaid

Dear Bridesmaid
<STING><YOUR><HORRID><FRIEND><THEN><LAY><YOUR><EGGS><IN><HER><BRAINMEATS>
-W A S P
Dear Ms Wasp,
I came out as trans to my mom but she won't acknowledge my new name or pronouns. How do I make her feel more comfortable?
-DesperateSon

Dear Desperate
<YOU><ARE><MALE><AND><CANNOT><LAY><EGGS><IN><YOUR><MOTHER><BUT><YOU><CAN><STILL><STING><HER><MANY><TIMES>
-W A S P
<MANTIS><HAS> <RETURNED> <FROM> <LAYING> <HER> <MANY> <EGGS>

<NOW> <I> <MUST> <FIND> <A> <TARANTULA> <IN> <WHICH> <TO> <DEPOSIT> <MY> <YOUNG>

<THANK> <YOU> <FOR> <WRITING> <TO> <ME>

-W A S P
<PLEASE><PAY><WASP><TARANTULAS><ARE><NOT><CHEAP>

paypal.me/lindsaybeth
Dear Ms Mantis
Someone on the internet accused me of stealing a joke when their only proof was an Onion article from 1997 w/vaguely similar aspects. What should I do?
-Comic

Dear Comic
[NOT] [WORTH] [EATING] [FIND] [A] [MAN] [WHO] [POSTS] [TO] [AITA] [&] [EAT] [HIM]
-M A N T I S
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