Lots of generalized talk about anxiety now days. Awareness is a good thing, but tools, nuanced language and a path will get you 5000% further in anxiety management than just conversation. One powerful tool is a #Genogram.
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#Genogram is like a family tree, but it captures emotional dynamics, generational traits, mental illness, addictions...
You present a genogram to a trusted group. They help you see patterns, assumptions, family propaganda, what you are holding, what is holding you.
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#Genograms give insight into what you carry into every encounter and what you assume about life. They are not interested in blame, but awareness. Unlike a family tree, they are not interested in objective history, but your subjective experience of it. How you see the world.
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My favorite work and consulting is helping people with genograms because they are deeper tools that anyone can benefit from and they help us go from talking about it to deep transformation. Like all transformative tools, this one requires homework and digging deep. #WorthIt
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One of my clients was talking about a newly formed staff meeting and one team member's tendency to critique and shut down others' ministry approaches. Ie, they not only didn't like the approach, they found it utterly wrong.
They were utterly wrong.
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It reminded me of the HIGH importance of the team leader managing anxiety in a staff. When one person 'pounces on a peer' and it is left untreated in the room, the staff will no longer show up as themselves.
It is on the leader to redistribute the anxiety.
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Typically the 'pounce' is spoken in a way that communicates, 'this is the end of the matter.'
People who are rigid communicators, people who speak emphatically, who aggressively critique another in public....they communicate 'no one else gets to say anything.'
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One of the most powerful ways to practice #differentiation is through the lens of responsibility. What is mine to carry, what is theirs, what is God's? Not an easy question to answer, but always worth a pause and reflection.
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When we're in anxiety's grip, we tend toward hiding, avoiding or blaming or, yikes, the trifecta of all three. But practicing differentiation forces us to clarify responsibility. The authors of Scripture remind us again and again that we can control one thing: self.
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So we can make a list of the things we are anxious about and then a check box set of columns.
How much control do I have over what I am anxious about?
We get reactive when we don't get a false need that feels like a real need.
What do you think you need that you don't really need?
We all have dozens of false needs and when we don't wrangle our many false need, they pile up and get the better of us and wear us out.
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Some of my false needs: 1. I need everyone I meet to like or approve of me. 2. I need to be understood. 3. I need to make the person in front of me feel better. 4. I need to always know what to say or do in any situation. You MUST see me as a smart person.
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We end up getting bigger or smaller than human sized.
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Some of us, when we are reactive get 'bigger.' We must have the last word. We no longer listen to learn, we now listen to advise, fix, correct, or mansplain. We get aggressive, we dominate the space. Some of us literally make ourselves bigger.
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Some of us get smaller than human sized. We no longer feel safe to be exactly ourselves in that space. We do not speak up in the meeting, we flatter rather than tell the truth, we get quiet.
Some of course get bigger or smaller, depending on the circumstance and people.
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