—yep, it's time for more thoughts
One of the strangest things of living with autism, and knowing that you live with it, is the weirdest disconnect it gives you (well, me but I tend towards disassociation in such conversations)
I know I'm #autistic
To borrow from elsewhere; A Stranger in a Strange Land
And yet almost inevitably I hear from others that they couldn't guess I'm autistic, or that I'm "not as autistic" as somebody else
I loathe that
On an external point of view, how allistic people view autism is on the old, highly discriminatory, highly unreliable (and down right racist) view that autistics can be divided into two groups: the intelligent and the not-intelligent
I'm "intelligent" enough to know the term itself—let alone supposéd IQ tests—is bull puckey
What is "intelligence"?
When truly thought about it becomes nothing more than the supposéd superiority of white people (oh trust me, it does)
I hate it
I know there's things I just don't get and can't see
But don't you get it?
I long to be able to see what allistics see
I long to be able to do what allistics do without thinking
Worse, at a point I start believing that maybe; just maybe; I don't have...
It's bull puckey
Beginning to end
Of making me beg to be worthy. To make myself seem allistic so I don't bother "normal" folk
But on an internal level it destroys my confidence
For most of my life I've been scrambling to play catch-up. To burn more and more of myself to try and be "normal"
I don't know how much has come about of unassociated c-PTSD
Hell, it's more than possible that trying to force myself to not be the monster has added to the c-PTSD
But I'm still stuck there
And that's the insidiousness of the whole "you don't seem autistic" spiel
I get sucked straight back into thinking that I'm the unworthy monster who...
But something always comes along to highlight just how different I am from humans
Or tried, at least. A large part of that I've been able to put aside
To put aside and accept it was a lie that was forced on me
But it is only ever put aside
And in turn that brings back all the things that were done to separate me from others
And so back I go, back to believing that I am the monster I fear
So I suppose, if this thread is to be wrapped up anywhere, it's to beg that:
Opposes Conversion Therapy
It doesn't matter if it's conversion therapy for gay people
Or conversion therapy for trans people
Or conversion therapy for autistics
It all comes out to the same
One way or another, it slowly ends up killing us