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—yep, it's time for more thoughts

One of the strangest things of living with autism, and knowing that you live with it, is the weirdest disconnect it gives you (well, me but I tend towards disassociation in such conversations)

I know I'm #autistic

I know that I'm different from others

To borrow from elsewhere; A Stranger in a Strange Land

And yet almost inevitably I hear from others that they couldn't guess I'm autistic, or that I'm "not as autistic" as somebody else

I loathe that

There's so many reasons to loathe it

On an external point of view, how allistic people view autism is on the old, highly discriminatory, highly unreliable (and down right racist) view that autistics can be divided into two groups: the intelligent and the not-intelligent

Here's the thing

I'm "intelligent" enough to know the term itself—let alone supposéd IQ tests—is bull puckey

What is "intelligence"?

When truly thought about it becomes nothing more than the supposéd superiority of white people (oh trust me, it does)

On an intermediate view it pits me against somebody else with autism – as if I'm somehow better or more palatable for society than somebody else who is not as good at social camouflaging...

(and fuq everybody who every thinks that forcing autistic kids into shamming being allistic is a good idea. It's Conversion Therapy for autistic people and as a gay trans autistic person you can get a triple fuq you if you truly believe that Conversion Therapy is acceptable)

But the whole of it – the whole system of claiming that some people are less autistic than others – it all falls back to the age-old discrimination of "when it comes down to a shared characteristic some people are more worthy of being recognised as being worthy than others"

And then from an internal view it's the shame it forces me into

I hate it

I know there's things I just don't get and can't see

But don't you get it?

I long to be able to see what allistics see

I long to be able to do what allistics do without thinking

When you tell me you can't tell I'm autistic all you're doing is telling me that either you don't care enough to understand the difference, or that you're flat out telling me I'm lying about myself

Worse, at a point I start believing that maybe; just maybe; I don't have...

to compensate for being autistic. That I'm just me and hey, I might be slightly different from allistic people but not so much that it's not an issue

It's bull puckey

Beginning to end

On an external level it's an attempt to start to make me think in terms of "worthy" and "unworthy"

Of making me beg to be worthy. To make myself seem allistic so I don't bother "normal" folk

But on an internal level it destroys my confidence

Every time

I came to knowing that I'm autistic – that small part of me that makes up the whole of seeing myself as a monster – later on in life

For most of my life I've been scrambling to play catch-up. To burn more and more of myself to try and be "normal"

And there's still a part of me stuck there

I don't know how much has come about of unassociated c-PTSD

Hell, it's more than possible that trying to force myself to not be the monster has added to the c-PTSD

But I'm still stuck there

Some part of me has been broken to the point where it still thinks that pretending to be allistic is a good thing

And that's the insidiousness of the whole "you don't seem autistic" spiel

I get sucked straight back into thinking that I'm the unworthy monster who...

with a little training and a bit more effort, can pretend to be human

But something always comes along to highlight just how different I am from humans


In a way, I suppose, it's worsened for me because other things in my life have convinced me that I'm the monster

Or tried, at least. A large part of that I've been able to put aside

The abuse (separate to being autistic)– the point of being broken to believe I deserved what happened to me is something I've been able to parcel up and deal with

To put aside and accept it was a lie that was forced on me

But it is only ever put aside

It doesn't take much to remind me of just how much separates me from others

And in turn that brings back all the things that were done to separate me from others

And so back I go, back to believing that I am the monster I fear

And yes I can get back out of that, but it always takes time and a few spoons

So I suppose, if this thread is to be wrapped up anywhere, it's to beg that:

i) when somebody tells you they are autistic, don't tell them don't seem like it because trust me when I say that isn't a compliment at all. No more than saying that somebody "doesn't look trans" in all honesty

ii) Stop forcing us into the position that we believe that with just that little bit more effort this time the conversion therapy will work. That this time we can stop "seeming autistic". It's killing us. Slowly, and inside, but it grinds us none the same

And if this thread is to end anywhere it is to say:

Opposes Conversion Therapy

It doesn't matter if it's conversion therapy for gay people

Or conversion therapy for trans people

Or conversion therapy for autistics

It all comes out to the same

It all ends up killing us in the end

One way or another, it slowly ends up killing us


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