Thread by @thedulab

INTRODUCTION:

The subtle insidiousness of one-dimensional growth.

How the conscious pursuit of external success can mask the unconscious turmoil in internal well-being.

[THREAD]

Two years ago, I decided to start a personal brand on Twitter and document my ongoing foray into the "make money online" space.

And as most of you know, this was also during a time where I was conspicuously unhappy and unfulfilled with my life in the land of cubicles.

A lot has happened since then.

For starters, I learned how to make money by pressing buttons on my laptop.

Then, I connected with a virtual community of savages who helped me make more money by pressing more buttons on my laptop.

And then, my life changed.

No longer was I just another millennial who merely "existed."

Now, I was consistently seeing "serendipitous" payout notifications on my phone throughout the day as I unabashedly took two hour lunches in my 9–5.

I felt more alive than ever.

For a long time, this lifestyle shift gave me immense purpose to the point where my entire life revolved around doing the opposite of the masses.

I was obsessed with optimization.

Having my cash flow, physique, and productivity on lock.

Being "different" was intoxicating.

But, despite my outward expression of zeal towards my goals, I slowly started to feel more anxious and on-edge as time went on.

And these feelings weren't due to temporary stress.

They were the kind that would subtly and constantly loom over like a cloud.

So, what did I do?

I suppressed them.

Why did I suppress them?

Because as a self-proclaimed "successful" guy who was hellbent on transforming himself to embody a quantifiable definition of "greatness" who carried the highest of standards, I simply wasn't supposed to feel them.

The more I suppressed them, the more frequently I felt them.

Sacrificing certain weekends made me feel lonely.

A lower payout for the month made me feel unworthy.

A night spent "unwinding" made me feel undisciplined.

They were natural, human emotions.

But to me, they were a direct attack on my carefully crafted identity.

Far too often, all I could hear in my head was a stern, authoritative voice telling me to "suck it up" and "stop wasting time being sad."

Of course, I listened.

I put my head down and blocked out the "noise."

And funny enough, this actually started to put me right back to that unhappy and unfulfilled state of mind that I felt back in my previous way of life.

Leveling up became a chore, but the show went on.

And on and on and on until I hit a mental breaking point where a string of continuously rough weeks towards the end of last year gave me no choice but to take a step back and truly reassess everything I was doing.

What I realized was…

Instead of exposing myself to the potentially gut-wrenching vulnerability that would've came from examining these feelings head-on, I took the "easy" way out, continued to distract myself, and put the blame on external factors.

In other words, I was subconsciously afraid of the possibility of "accidentally" discovering a hard-to-fix deficiency in myself that would've shattered the fragile self-esteem that I haphazardly pinned to my rigidly defined identity.

Many days, I thought I was losing my drive.

That an unexpected sales slump was to blame for "making" me feel bad, and that I had to squash those bad feelings forever by "doing" my way out of them.

Moves were made out of reactionary defense rather than true self-awareness.

In reality, I just didn't want to admit that I most likely never really learned how to fully love myself and holistically assess my value as a human irrespective of subjective, external accomplishments.

It comes with shame.

Shame comes with pain.

And pain comes with avoidance.

So, why am I writing this thread?

Because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

And I know that few will openly and honestly admit it because of the perceived sense of "weakness" and potential for unsolicited judgement that comes with it.

Over the past couple weeks, I've had some very honest conversations with a lot of people in our Twitter community who are suffering in silence.

You'd be surprised at how many feel lost and confused, and have treacherously attached their identities to ephemeral characteristics.

That kid who's constantly flexing every day about how much money he makes, how much he loves his life, and how he's "not the same" as you?

It's a coping mechanism.

A bandaid to a deeper, unexamined, internal wound.

How do I know?

Because that's the stuff I used to post whenever I'd catch myself feeling insecure about where I fared amongst the bigger accounts I followed.

Comparison can be motivating.

But not this kind.

And I didn't have the emotional maturity to control my reactions.

And given that my followers consist of a lot of impressionable kids who are still trying to figure out this whole life thing, what I put out matters.

Twitter doesn't need another "make money online" guru telling you to hustle and grind.

It needs more raw authenticity.

So from this day on, I'm re-branding my account.

Giving you a glimpse into a 20-something year old's internal thoughts, experiences, and lessons for you to internalize (and hopefully relate to), and a better understanding of what I'm doing to eliminate what's holding me back.

My intention isn't to create an environment of self-victimization.

Rather, it's to inspire everyone to get into the habit of mercilessly asking themselves WHY before they even begin asking themselves HOW.

To CURE the ROOT of your problems, not MASK the SYMPTOMS of them.

Unlike a bench press PR or Shopify screenshot, these types of "gains" are intangible and hard to quantify, so they often get overlooked and viewed as unimportant.

But in reality, emotional health MUST be tackled in tandem with your current physical, monetary, and business goals.

We can temporarily "how" our way out of anything.

More button pressing, routine hacking, and ego boosting.

But until we "why" ourselves into examining our preconceived beliefs, mental programming, and unconscious trauma…

We'll continue head bobbling ourselves into the ground.

At the end of the day, we need to stop "how'ing" our way out of negative emotions through suppression and distraction.

We need to begin "why'ing" our way into the most optimized, best versions of ourselves through brutally sincere self-accountability and introspection.

In my case, my "why" was that I unknowingly carried an ingrained belief that my self-worth was predominantly tied to the external.

And that "other" traits I carried like being fiercely loyal to the people I love weren't nearly as "valuable" as my ability to cover their dinners.

This forced me to introspect on the hidden effects of my Asian-American upbringing, the clear lack of self-respect I unintentionally showcased at times, and other harsh pills that make my chest tighten up.

Only by diving straight in can we truly begin to evolve.

Before I end this thread, I'll leave you with this…

Is your "progress" really progress and are your "gains" really gains, or are they just casts and slings that you've been continuously replacing your whole life?

What would happen if you actually decided to go under the knife?

The source of our turmoil is always internal.

And the most courageous and selfless thing we can do is embrace it, process it, and conquer it.

Run from it in the short-term, pay for it in the long-term.

Terminate it in the short-term...

Stay tuned.

See you in the next thread.