Every night, in the sweetest voice, my six year old asks me a question in order to try and stall me from leaving. I commit to documenting these questions every night for the next 30 days because THAT KID HAS GAME.
Tonight: Mom.....mom...mom? Mom. Ok, mom. Have you ever eaten a pumpkin? COME BACK. Mom. Have you ever eaten pumpkin seeds? MOM WHAT DO THEY TASTE LIKE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: Mom?
Me: no. I love you but no.
Him: Are raccoons awake right now? Mom. They can’t kill you. MOM. They don’t have sharp enough teeth. MOM COME BACK HAVE YOU SEEN THEM IT IS SAFE I AM NOT AFRAID
Him: Mom?
Me: no. I love you but no.
Him: Are raccoons awake right now? Mom. They can’t kill you. MOM. They don’t have sharp enough teeth. MOM COME BACK HAVE YOU SEEN THEM IT IS SAFE I AM NOT AFRAID
He just yelled “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH ONE EYE?” into the darkness.
Night 3
Boy: Okay mom. Goodnight. Mom, why do you have so much hair? Okay, night. Why is hair made of cylinders? MOM. I want to learn the a-cord-on. A-cordial? ACCORDION. IT GOES LIKE THIS [frantically mimes accordion playing] MOM COME BACK ACCORDIONS ARE MADE OF BEES
Boy: Okay mom. Goodnight. Mom, why do you have so much hair? Okay, night. Why is hair made of cylinders? MOM. I want to learn the a-cord-on. A-cordial? ACCORDION. IT GOES LIKE THIS [frantically mimes accordion playing] MOM COME BACK ACCORDIONS ARE MADE OF BEES
He might of said “bees” or “beets” or “beads.” I couldn’t make it out. He had already been tucked in three times.
Night 2 (sorry!)
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: Do you know any myths...any legends?
Me: The legend of the boy who wouldn't go to bed. Goodnight.
Him: Oh, oh, oh, do you know this legend? Mom. Come back. MOM. It's about a giant squid. MOM THE SQUID DESTROYED MANY MANY BOATS!
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: Do you know any myths...any legends?
Me: The legend of the boy who wouldn't go to bed. Goodnight.
Him: Oh, oh, oh, do you know this legend? Mom. Come back. MOM. It's about a giant squid. MOM THE SQUID DESTROYED MANY MANY BOATS!
Him: goodnight mom. Love you.
Me: love you (leaves)
Him: (next room) Mom? Is cheese funny? I think it is. I only like STRING cheese. ...Mom? Mom. MOM. IS GOOGLE A PERSON?
AND WAS GOD EVER BORN?!???
Me: love you (leaves)
Him: (next room) Mom? Is cheese funny? I think it is. I only like STRING cheese. ...Mom? Mom. MOM. IS GOOGLE A PERSON?
AND WAS GOD EVER BORN?!???
Me: Goodnight my love.
Him: Goodnight mom. This is a good.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yes. I'm going to sleep now.
Me: Perfect. (leaves)
....
Him: DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE LAST MEGALODON?
....
Him: (quietly) I think he lives in the ocean.
....
Him: THE BACIFIC OCEAN! MOMM. IN A COLD SPOT!
Him: Goodnight mom. This is a good.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yes. I'm going to sleep now.
Me: Perfect. (leaves)
....
Him: DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE LAST MEGALODON?
....
Him: (quietly) I think he lives in the ocean.
....
Him: THE BACIFIC OCEAN! MOMM. IN A COLD SPOT!
Me: I love you so much. Goodnight sweetie.
Him: does Dad have a job?
Me: yes.
Him: as a ghost pirate?
Me: not exactly
Him: right right right. That was a long time ago. When you were a kid. In the Civil Wars.
Me: goodnight lovie
Him: a long, long, long, long..
Me: GOODNIGHT
Him: does Dad have a job?
Me: yes.
Him: as a ghost pirate?
Me: not exactly
Him: right right right. That was a long time ago. When you were a kid. In the Civil Wars.
Me: goodnight lovie
Him: a long, long, long, long..
Me: GOODNIGHT
Okay I can hear him in the next room. He is talking about Canada being separate from America as "The Civil Wars." ....as a historian...I'm not sure what to say about my job performance.
Him: before you go, tell me one constellation of stars.
Me: Orion. Goodnight lovie.
Him: mom, wait! I have to tell you. [dramaric pause] I picked you.
Me: what?
Him: as a baby. I picked you. For my mom.
Me: [melting]
Him: I picked your tummy. You are MY mom.
Me: you win.
Me: Orion. Goodnight lovie.
Him: mom, wait! I have to tell you. [dramaric pause] I picked you.
Me: what?
Him: as a baby. I picked you. For my mom.
Me: [melting]
Him: I picked your tummy. You are MY mom.
Me: you win.
Him: I don't have a question.
Me: Oh! Okay! Goodnight lovie.
Him: But I put something in the sink.
Me: Wait, what?
Him: I found it outside. It's part of a lizard tail. By tomorrow, it will grow back into a lizard.
Me: ....I see your logic.
Me: Oh! Okay! Goodnight lovie.
Him: But I put something in the sink.
Me: Wait, what?
Him: I found it outside. It's part of a lizard tail. By tomorrow, it will grow back into a lizard.
Me: ....I see your logic.
Him: (yelling) MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HELL IS?
......
Him: (yelling) IS MAGIC REAL? IS A MAGIC TRICK A TRICK?
....
Him: (grumbling) Well now I am thinking about if the sun is just lava.
......
Him: (yelling) IS MAGIC REAL? IS A MAGIC TRICK A TRICK?
....
Him: (grumbling) Well now I am thinking about if the sun is just lava.
Him: (praying) and thank you God for snakes, Amen.
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: But what is the difference between an ogre and a troll?
....
Him: Are you not answering because you don't believe in Big Foot?
....
Him: (whispering) ....because he is *reaaaaaaaaaaall*
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: But what is the difference between an ogre and a troll?
....
Him: Are you not answering because you don't believe in Big Foot?
....
Him: (whispering) ....because he is *reaaaaaaaaaaall*
Me: love you sweetie. Night.
Him: goodnight. To all the crystals.
Me: okay
Him: who was the first person to ever find a crystal?
Me: goodnight love.
Him: in a caaaaaaaaaaaave with maaaaaaaany secrets.
Me: I don’t know how to explain you to other people.
Him: goodnight. To all the crystals.
Me: okay
Him: who was the first person to ever find a crystal?
Me: goodnight love.
Him: in a caaaaaaaaaaaave with maaaaaaaany secrets.
Me: I don’t know how to explain you to other people.
Me: you did a great job reading. Night love.
Him: why do they call it a li-bary? (library)
Me: night sweetie
Him: Because people lieeeeeeeeeee.... they lie about the li-bary?
Him: MOM COME BACK WHY ARE THEY LYING? ARE THEY LYING ABOUT THE BOOKS OR WHAT?!?
Him: why do they call it a li-bary? (library)
Me: night sweetie
Him: Because people lieeeeeeeeeee.... they lie about the li-bary?
Him: MOM COME BACK WHY ARE THEY LYING? ARE THEY LYING ABOUT THE BOOKS OR WHAT?!?
Him: before you try to put me to bed I am talking to you about my pet.
Me: you don't have a pet, hon.
Him: I knew you would be reeeeeaaaally scared. you don't even have to see it.
Me: ..... are you telling me
Him: I HID HIM.
Me: (to husband) PLEASE COME IN HERE
Me: you don't have a pet, hon.
Him: I knew you would be reeeeeaaaally scared. you don't even have to see it.
Me: ..... are you telling me
Him: I HID HIM.
Me: (to husband) PLEASE COME IN HERE
Me: Night lovie
Him: Does God sleep? Does God sleep on another planet? God didn't make me Mom. You made me. With your body. And when I came out we looked at each and it was LOVE MOM. I love wolves. Can we make a wolf? With a collar? With a crystal on the collar? Tomorrow? Wolfs?
Him: Does God sleep? Does God sleep on another planet? God didn't make me Mom. You made me. With your body. And when I came out we looked at each and it was LOVE MOM. I love wolves. Can we make a wolf? With a collar? With a crystal on the collar? Tomorrow? Wolfs?
Him: Mom, can we talk about boats?
Me: one thing and then eyes closed
Him: OKAY (deep breath) because pirates are REAL and are alive NOW. But mostly they killed a-chother or were killed by GIANT SQUIDS or monsters that (giant arms) SQUEEZE BOATS AND CRUSH THEM. Sigh. Goodnight.
Me: one thing and then eyes closed
Him: OKAY (deep breath) because pirates are REAL and are alive NOW. But mostly they killed a-chother or were killed by GIANT SQUIDS or monsters that (giant arms) SQUEEZE BOATS AND CRUSH THEM. Sigh. Goodnight.
Me: you are a wonderful boy
Him: but I don't know what blueberries smell like
Me: try tomorrow
Him: how do pirates feel when they walk on land? Weird?
Me: not sure. goodnight
Him: dinner tonight was bad. i mean, BAD
Me: NOT NICE BUD
Him: (kisses my nose) but good try, mom
Him: but I don't know what blueberries smell like
Me: try tomorrow
Him: how do pirates feel when they walk on land? Weird?
Me: not sure. goodnight
Him: dinner tonight was bad. i mean, BAD
Me: NOT NICE BUD
Him: (kisses my nose) but good try, mom
Him: Mom, sometimes I am so scared of the Yeti. Not the Loch Ness, that is fine. But the Yeti..
Me: You're safe. Love you sweetie. Night. (leaves)
Him: Yes, but have you ever been bitten by a tiger?
Him: But you've been bitten by a wolf? A bear?
---
Him: SO THAT'S A YES?!!!
Me: You're safe. Love you sweetie. Night. (leaves)
Him: Yes, but have you ever been bitten by a tiger?
Him: But you've been bitten by a wolf? A bear?
---
Him: SO THAT'S A YES?!!!
**He is too cute. I have given up and am attempting to lie in his bed and hope he will fall asleep if I am completely immobile. There is no hope.**
Him: (poking my face) Mom, can we talk about God rising from the dead?
....
Him: (quietly) well, now I have LOTS of questions...
Him: (poking my face) Mom, can we talk about God rising from the dead?
....
Him: (quietly) well, now I have LOTS of questions...
Me: We need to talk about how you threw a rock today. Not good
Him: ....I see the moon
Me: I need you to know it was bad
Him: I feel okay
Me: Throwing rocks is not good
Him: in the story, David hit Goliath with a rock and it was GREAT
Me (to husband): I am losing badly here
Him: ....I see the moon
Me: I need you to know it was bad
Him: I feel okay
Me: Throwing rocks is not good
Him: in the story, David hit Goliath with a rock and it was GREAT
Me (to husband): I am losing badly here
Me: goodnight lovie
Him: (waggling eyebrows) goodnight mom. It will be hard for you to leave
Me: (kisses head) I'll be fine
Him: Goodnight "M" "O" "M". "M" "O" "M" spells DAD...right mom? (makes direct eye contact)
Me: You know how much I want to correct you
Him: I DO!!
Him: (waggling eyebrows) goodnight mom. It will be hard for you to leave
Me: (kisses head) I'll be fine
Him: Goodnight "M" "O" "M". "M" "O" "M" spells DAD...right mom? (makes direct eye contact)
Me: You know how much I want to correct you
Him: I DO!!
Me: Love you sweetie. Goodnight.
Him: Goodnight mommy.
I leave. Storm begins. Huge crack of thunder.
Him: (from dark) MOM CAN YOU PLEASE TURN OFF THE STORM
Me: (yelling) I CAN TRY
Him: WHAT WILL YOU TRY
Me: LOVE I GUESS?
Him: THAT WON'T WORK....TRY SNUGGLES FOR ME INSTEAD
Him: Goodnight mommy.
I leave. Storm begins. Huge crack of thunder.
Him: (from dark) MOM CAN YOU PLEASE TURN OFF THE STORM
Me: (yelling) I CAN TRY
Him: WHAT WILL YOU TRY
Me: LOVE I GUESS?
Him: THAT WON'T WORK....TRY SNUGGLES FOR ME INSTEAD
Him: Night! oh mom, I think this is a new tooth
**shows molar. WHAT. Is that a wisdom tooth? hiding alarm**
Me: oh dear. you are getting older.
Him: OH! can I get my driver's license?
Me: you are 6
Him: FINE! so can I stop the tooth from growing so I don't grow up?!
**shows molar. WHAT. Is that a wisdom tooth? hiding alarm**
Me: oh dear. you are getting older.
Him: OH! can I get my driver's license?
Me: you are 6
Him: FINE! so can I stop the tooth from growing so I don't grow up?!
Him: Mom, what can I trade you? (shows me my own coin collection)
Me: No lovie. Not right now. Night.
Him: I'm trading you for this. (hands me my own childhood bear)
Me: You're giving me my own stuff back
Him: A trade! Choose coin or bear
Me: THIS IS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION
Me: No lovie. Not right now. Night.
Him: I'm trading you for this. (hands me my own childhood bear)
Me: You're giving me my own stuff back
Him: A trade! Choose coin or bear
Me: THIS IS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION
Me: Night love.
Him: Can I listen to your heart?
Me: Ok
**quiet**
Him: it's beating fast
**quiet**
Him: did you love someone so much that your heart stops beating? did you fall over? did you die? or did you just go to sleep?
Me: no?
Him: SO YOU DIDN'T LOVE SOMEONE?!
Him: Can I listen to your heart?
Me: Ok
**quiet**
Him: it's beating fast
**quiet**
Him: did you love someone so much that your heart stops beating? did you fall over? did you die? or did you just go to sleep?
Me: no?
Him: SO YOU DIDN'T LOVE SOMEONE?!
Me: goodnight lovie
*he puts his hand on my cheek*
Him: goodnight mommy
Staring lovingly at each other.
Me: did you wash your hands?
Him: nope
Me: were you playing with the garter snake outside?
Him: (huge smile. kisses my nose.) I love him AND you
*he puts his hand on my cheek*
Him: goodnight mommy
Staring lovingly at each other.
Me: did you wash your hands?
Him: nope
Me: were you playing with the garter snake outside?
Him: (huge smile. kisses my nose.) I love him AND you
This morning. I'm drinking coffee staring out a window.
He wanders in wearing pjs, sleepy and quiet. Stumbles over, climbs up and lies across my lap with his head dangling upside down over the edge of the chair.
Him: Mom, do you think you really felt prepared for parenthood?
He wanders in wearing pjs, sleepy and quiet. Stumbles over, climbs up and lies across my lap with his head dangling upside down over the edge of the chair.
Him: Mom, do you think you really felt prepared for parenthood?
Me: ......
Him: you have to know everything about the kid. about me. about how much I like lying like this. or eating snacks.
Me: well, I don't think I am ready for all kids. I can just learn you.
Him: okie dokie
Him: you have to know everything about the kid. about me. about how much I like lying like this. or eating snacks.
Me: well, I don't think I am ready for all kids. I can just learn you.
Him: okie dokie
Teeth brushed. Pajamas worn. I enter his room for the final goodnight.
Him: (leaping off great height onto bed) TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Me: oh geez! okay. ta da. it's bedtime
Him: mom
Me: yes
Him: MOM
Me: yes
Him: my greatest enemy is named...Bob
Me: hahaha. okay, why not.
Him: (leaping off great height onto bed) TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Me: oh geez! okay. ta da. it's bedtime
Him: mom
Me: yes
Him: MOM
Me: yes
Him: my greatest enemy is named...Bob
Me: hahaha. okay, why not.
Husband: What would you like to do for mother’s day?
Him: oh oh oh we make her jewelry or pat her hair
Husband: sounds nice
Him: OH! Or show her gymnastics
Husband: like what
Him: A summersault? no no she can do that. A monkey jump? yessssss yes yes
Husband: um, or flowers
Him: oh oh oh we make her jewelry or pat her hair
Husband: sounds nice
Him: OH! Or show her gymnastics
Husband: like what
Him: A summersault? no no she can do that. A monkey jump? yessssss yes yes
Husband: um, or flowers
MOTHER'S DAY
Him: Mom I made you something
*hands me LEGO heart*
Me: oh, thank you sweetie
Him: I also got you (rummages around) THIS VERY IMPORTANT SKULL
*hands me deer skull*
Me: i love you so much. i hate this so much
(kisses my nose)
Him: You're THE MOST lucky
Him: Mom I made you something
*hands me LEGO heart*
Me: oh, thank you sweetie
Him: I also got you (rummages around) THIS VERY IMPORTANT SKULL
*hands me deer skull*
Me: i love you so much. i hate this so much
(kisses my nose)
Him: You're THE MOST lucky
• • •
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