Thread by @DarklingM

All of Shouta's friends think that he gets blackout drunk extremely easily--basically if he drinks at all.
This has always been a lie. Maybe if he wants to feel better about himself, a logical ruse.

It just got out of control.
It started when he was twenty, and at his first real party. Hizashi had finally dragged him to one--surprising that it took him so long, with how head-over-heels he is for the man.
So he's standing there with a drink in his hand, feeling left out.

He knows enough to know he isn't drunk yet, but he's working on it. Something to do, anyway. While he watches Hizashi across the room, being his usual self. A literal ray of sunshine, lighting up the dim room. An angel. A--huh. Maybe the alcohol is having an effect on him.

He's usually in love with Hizashi, but right now it feels like it's shining out of him, like it's going to break the dam of his heart and pour out. Messy and unwanted.
Still, he's not going to do anything stupid. He can stay over here--except that Hizashi is coming towards him.

He keeps a handle on it, doesn't say anything weird when Hizashi asks how he is, but he can't control the way his heart thuds when Hizashi grabs his arm and pulls him outside to talk.
Because Hizashi doesn't let go of him, and there's moonlight in his hair, and he has to.

Shouta kisses him.
And Hizashi goes stiff, and he babbles some nonsense, and then he's *gone*. And Shouta is alone.

The next day, Hizashi still shows up for their morning jog. Shouta is prepared for him to not, but he does. And he gets the idea when Hizashi asks him, "Do you, uh. Remember anything from last night? I don't know how much you had to drink."

It really hadn't been that much--his memory is crystal clear, including the massive wave of regret. But it almost feels like Hizashi is giving him an out, wants to just put this behind them and forget it ever happened.
So he looks Hizashi in the eyes and pulls a confused face.

"Last night? I was at that party for less than an hour. I must have fallen asleep."
And he's pretty sure that's not even how it works, but Hizashi just gives him an awkward, terrible smile, and lets him have it.
So then he has to maintain the lie.

But it comes in handy again.
This time he's twenty-five and so is Hizashi, and they're not at a party at all this time. Somehow they're still just as close, and they do this a lot--Hizashi provides the apartment, since he actually has a couch, and Shouta brings alcohol.

Usually he's able to keep it completely platonic, but tonight there's something weird with Hizashi. He's always tactile, but tonight it's turned up to eleven, and right now he's practically in Shouta's lap.
He's not even sure which one of them initiates it.

This time, Hizashi doesn't pull away from the kiss at all. He arches into it, hands twisted in Shouta's shirt, pulling him closer.
Shouta is at least the more sober of the two of them--he should push Hizashi away, especially when he starts rocking his hips, grinding against him.

But it feels so good. And he's wanted this for so long.
He lays in Hizashi's bed that night, Hizashi wrapped around his side and snoring, and thinks about coming clean. Even if Hizashi doesn't remember, he's clearly interested.

But then morning comes, and Shouta opens his eyes, and Hizashi *isn't there*.
He finally finds him in the kitchen, but even though he hands Shouta a cup of coffee, he doesn't meet his eyes. And he doesn't bother asking this time if he remembers anything.

Shouta still clearly remembers the regret of kissing Hizashi years ago. That must be what Hizashi is feeling now.
So he keeps his mouth shut, drinks his coffee, and leaves.

It's kind of not so bad, pretending to forget his drunken nights. People tell him their secrets, because they think he won't remember. He's not one to gossip--those secrets stay safe.
He remembers Nemuri crying on his shoulder when she got cheated on, but why would he tell?

He knows that Tensei is afraid of heights, has dreams about falling and not being able to catch himself because his engines stall in mid-air.
But Hizashi doesn't do that much, so it's a surprise when he grabs Shouta's arm and pulls him outside the bar. Like all those years ago.

He knows what his role is here. He just stands there, leaning against the rough brick wall, trying to look unfocused. Whatever Hizashi is going to say, he doesn't want him to remember it.
Hizashi runs a hand through his hair, down and around his shoulders.

The moonlight that might be in it is outshone by the neon, but it's still pretty.
"Okay," he finally says. "Okay. I just have to...get this off my chest, you know? Even though you won't remember." He laughs, bitter and low. "Fuck, *because* you won't remember."

"I love you. I mean, I'm in love with you. Fuck, I've been in love with you for years. And it's okay--I know you don't feel the same way! I just wanted to tell you. I just wanted you to know, even if you'll forget."
And Shouta just stares at him.

Finally, what comes out of his mouth is, "Why would I have kissed you if I didn't feel the same way?"
Hizashi reacts to the tone of his voice, frowning at him, sounding almost accusatory. "I don't know, because you were blackout drunk? You never act like that when you're sober!"

"Hizashi," he says, shaking his head. "Alcohol just *lowers your inhibitions*. I always want to kiss you. I just was only stupid enough to do it then."
"Well, if you were stupid enough to kiss me, I was stupid enough to *fuck* you!" At this point, Hizashi is almost shouting.

His hands are in fists by his sides, and there are tears in his eyes, and Shouta relaxes his face. "Hey," he says, stepping closer. "Why are you mad at me?"
"I don't know," Hizashi says, still sounding upset. "Maybe because we still won't remember this?"

"I always remember," Shouta says, and pulls him into a kiss.
And he does.