Thread by @CollinsMandy

How to roast a chicken, for those who have been touched on their Woolworths.

1. Switch the oven on. I know. You haven't had to do this in decades, but I have faith in you. Set the temperature to 180 C or 350 F.

2. Take half a lemon or a peeled onion and put it into the cavity.

You should have half a lemon left over since you've probably run out of that expensive gin by now, but if you don't, don't fret. To peel an onion you remove the brown papery stuff on the outside and cut off the top and bottom. Don't cry now. One day you'll be able to drink again.

If you have neither lemon nor onion you can skip this step altogether.

3. Put the chicken into a roasting tin or dish of some sort. Yes, the Le Creuset will do. It's an emergency. Just leave the lid off.

Now, put a small amount of oil into your hand - like the amount of Lancome Overpriced Glorified Aqueous Cream you use as hand cream. Spread it all over the chicken. Then wash your hands. THERE'S A PANDEMIC ON. Also, salmonella.

4. Sprinkle salt and pepper all over the chicken. If you have thyme and rosemary you can add those too, but they're not essential.

5. Place in the oven for 2.5 hours. Proceed as if you just got home with a Woolies chicken.

The entire hands-on operation will take you less time than it did for me to type this thread, and certainly less time than it does to drive to the shops, queue at the correct distance to be allowed in, shop, queue again, drive home, unpack and sanitise. YOU CAN DO IT!

PS. Follow the instructions exactly. Don't wait for the oven to get to temperature. Switch it on, prep the chicken, shove it in and remove it 2.5 hours later.