Thread by @jaffathecake

One of our cats is missing and it's basically fucking awful

I have a plan

It's 4:30am, and it's totally calm out for the first time in a while. If I call to the cat, I can hear him yowling, one, maybe two gardens down. Fuck. Now I just need to wait for a sensible time to knock on doors, and find a socially distant way to do this.

Annoying thing is he's super timid of other people, so he might not come out for them.

Well, there goes sleeping.

Also he was a shit meow (but a loud purr). His brother can't purr properly, but meows like an ambulance on fire.

Don't hear anything now 😢. But again, his meow his quiet. The lady at the end of the road has a garden accessible without going through the house, and is letting me go round at night. Hopefully it isn't windy etc and we can get a better idea of where he is.

Searching the wood, we could hear meowing, but once we got where we thought was 'close', no more meowing. There are badger sets in the area… but surely he can't be underground, we wouldn't have heard him?

This is a nightmare 😢

Went back to the spot. No meowing at all anymore. Will try again when it's dark, when it's quieter. Had so much hope at 4am. Devastated.

Took this a week ago. During the night he purrs in my face until I create a loop with my arm for him to sleep in.

He shuffles around until his back paws are in my hand, for whatever reason.

I'd quite like him to come & do this again.

Went back out. No sign, no sounds. I feel we've lost the "find the cat" game. I hope it was impossible, else I've let my little buddy down.

I've really appreciated all your stories of cats returning after a long time. They helped. But I don't think it's the case here. Going to try and move on, else it'll paralyze me for weeks.

Goodnight Kimi, you were a good boy. 😿

If that wasn't bad enough, the dishwasher's broken too. Guess we'll have to have a double memorial.

Or maybe there'll be a happy ending where he just turns up, fixes the dishwasher, and curls up on the bed like nothing happened.

And thanks for putting up with me posting all this. I think writing it down has really helped. Maybe I should just get a diary. But y'know, no thought goes unpublished.

HE'S UP A FUCKING TREE. Fire brigade on their way.

No they're not! They don't want to risk their lives in the dark, so they're coming at 7 in the morning. Understandable, but y'know… there goes sleeping. Again.

Heartbreaking leaving him yowling in a tree, but hearing us was getting him worked up, and it's better if he chilled for the night.

Of course, if he doesn't make it through the night, I'll never forgive myself for not finding him yesterday. Fuck.

He was moving around the tree though, and making more consistent noise than we'd heard the past few nights. I'm hopeful.

We've ended up at that tree a few times, but his meow is so quiet, and infrequent, we never pinpointed it. But tonight is a calm night, and he decided to actually meow properly

It's a big tree, difficult to access, and the ground is unstable. Definitely a job for professionals.

The good thing about naming cats after F1 drivers is they have full names to use when you're angry with them. He's going to get the full "Kimi Räikkönen" for weeks.

Morning! Back at the tree. Can still hear him. But, I don't think my ladder is good enough. Waiting for the pros.

Not entirely sure why I took that tiny ladder.

Professionals are here now. His brothers come to watch. Due to the state of the tree and ground, sounds like it won't be a quick job.

They're worried about chasing him further up the tree. Apparently, they prefer to climb an adjacent tree, cross over, and then they're chasing the cat down if anything.

But that isn't an option here. First step is clearing the surrounding area.

That huge dead bit of tree has fallen off Kimi's current residence, so naturally they're worried about the state of the rest of the tree.

The pros were away for a bit, so I started trying to clear the area away myself. They reappeared and said "hmm yes I realise you're *trying* to help…"

I've resumed just standing to the side and… tweeting.

Obviously we're still having to do the social distance thing. On the plus side, they say they're pretty quiet right now. Fewer cars on the road means fewer emergencies.

Y'know, I used to have a real mental block for spelling "meow". Cured.

He's been up there 5 days now. I did wait a couple of days before live-tweeting my total despair.

Since there's no safe space to balance a ladder, and they don't think the branches will take load, it seems like it's going to be a manual climb up the trunk.

"good training exercise, this" they said

I've been sent to make tea and coffee. Absolutely the most stressful part of the day. I don't drink hot drinks. I don't know what I'm doing.

They're getting close to bits of the tree where we've seen him now, but he's gone silent.

He's making some noises, which helps. But before this is all over, let's not forget the real hero.

They've got a heat camera 😀

Seems like there's too much interference 😬

More climbing. He's stopped making noise because he's an annoying prick.

Apparently the rescue crew use things like this as an opportunity to take it super slow, and super safe, as training. So when they need to get, like, a child out of a tree urgently, they're prepared.

Talk of giving up for today, and setting a (humane) trap for him up the tree.

His name is Kimi but there are better 4-letter words to describe him right now

Ohh! They've spotted him! Not in reach yet though.

Btw I'm not taking pics of the rescue team without their permission, and also not going to say "hi can I take pics for my Twitter documentary?"

Yeah, they're moving onto plan B, the cat trap. Could be another night. 😬

Another thing they deal with is dogs trapped in badger sets. Apparently that's great training for things like earthquake response.

The professionalism of this rescue team is amazing to watch. They just calmly work & adapt to change.

The trap is set. Now we wait.

On the way out of the woods, a guy with a beer and a pitbull asked which tree the cat was in, as he'd climb up and get it, because he does lots of free-climbing. I didn't tell him which one.

This is why the fire service deal with cases like this, otherwise less trained folks just give it a go, and the results are… worse.

15:40: Trap is empty

I've been wearing jeans for 11 hours. Don't think I've done that since… 2019

17:21: trap empty

YOU BLOODY DARE (this is the brother cat)

Ok this is better

Due to response times for non-critical things, plus sunset time, even if he goes in the trap it's likely to be tomorrow morning before they'll get him down.

Going to check the trap one more time before bed in an hour (so tired). Place your bets…

WRONG. No cat in trap. He looked like he was getting close though. Will check again in the morning.

Or maybe this is just it now. I have two cats, but one of them lives in a tree.

Senna slept on the bed with us last night, which is unusual for him. But he started being a dickhead at 5am so I went to let him out.

But, there's another black cat the other side of the door.

I was half asleep, so I counted them a few times. Opened the door, and in he trots. Like it was _normal_.

I picked him up, he purred in my ear. Nothing seems to be broken. He's light, but he's always light.

I pop him down, fill his bowl with biscuits. He eats like three, then strolls back to the door, wanting out again. HAHA FUCK NO

Anyway, back to bed. He follows & jumps on the bed. I wake @jenross83 up, point to the little goblin that's nonchalantly cleaning himself. "That… is Kimi".

"What? Fuck off. Are you sure?"

Then he starts purring. Kimi purrs like a shredder eating teaspoons.

"Yep that's Kimi"

I guess he just got bored of his tree. To be fair, yesterday, the woman from the RSPCA predicted this. "Eventually their hunger gets the better of them, and they get brave/desperate"

I suppose he looked at the food in the trap and thought "hmm, wet food? Nah I'm more of a dry biscuit man myself", and done the climb.

(He prefers biscuits, but we all figured he needed moisture more urgently, having not had any for 5 days)

Look at this stupid cat. Yeah maybe a bit skinnier.

He curled up in my arm, and reached a little paw out to @jenross83

Acting like it's business as usual.

When he'd stopped making noises, and we'd started to give up, I cried properly for the first time in like 20 years. AND HE JUST WALKED BACK. He owes me tears the little shit.

Reunited

Now fix it you shit

I'm still in awe of the ability and professionalism of the rescue crew. When they're not "training" with dickhead cats, they're saving lives, putting themselves at physical and mental risk.

The Fire Fighters Charity is there for them, giving them the support they need. I'll be making a donation (and Google will match it). It's the least I can do. firefighterscharity.org.uk/how-we-help-2

Kimi seems totally fine. I'll call the vets and see if they want to check him. Usually they would, but given COVID-19, maybe not.

Also, huge thanks to my colleagues who've been totally understanding as I've shifted meetings, and not exactly been working 100%.

Well… back to work I guess.

Little shit wants out for the sequel

Some pics from the trap being set (now I have permission to post them). Shitty Kimi got to 30-35m up in the end.

The rescue crew are back to collect the trap and remaining equipment. Case closed I guess. Feel kinda stupid "hi yeah so my cat just kinda came home, soz", but they seem to find it funny.

Still brotherly

He's back climbing again. Thankfully, it's in a 2.5m hedge, and he's got assistance.

Hah! midsussextimes.co.uk/news/people/ha…

(gonna be pissed if this cat gets a wikipedia page before I do)

mate wtf