I love America. I love freedom. And that is why I'm going to reject the oppression and tyranny of my governor, leave my home, go to a crowded Buffalo Wild Wings, and inject Clorox into my eyeballs while my friend Doug shines a flashlight into my butthole to kill the virus.
Already getting a lot of pushback on this. But I love the goddamn Stars and Stripes, and that is why I have just eaten a pile of bleach wipes so the wipes can wipe my lungs and I can head off to the bowling alley with a clean bill of health.
It's an interesting concept, how the virus is killed by lights. I just slashed my thigh open with a serrated blade and am aiming my cell phone flashlight directly into the wound. I'm also spraying Formula 409 under my tongue. Thank you Mr. President for these good virus ideas.
I asked a medical doctor about these ideas and he seemed very nervous -- probably because President Trump is about to make his job irrelevant! I just ate a lightbulb and Windex'ed my whole body so I can protect myself against the virus.
Dumped a 40-gallon drum of hydroxycholoquine into my bathtub, mixed in some lye, aimed a tanning bed light right at my face, and soaked for 20 minutes. Then I drank some of the mixture, just to be safe. Laugh if you want but I'm symptom-free, thanks to President Trump.
Was heading out for a crowded beach but out of an abundance of caution, I first turned on my headlights and got reallllly close. Then I filled a syringe with hand soap and shot it into my butt. Feel good. Heading to the beach.
