Was just missing pubs and started to think about the three years during Uni, I worked at a Yatses in Leeds. Here’s a highlight thread of some of the most violent, disgusting and unbelievable things I saw during my time there.
I saw a mother and daughter fight each other when they realised they’d been fingered by the same man, on the same night, in the same toilet cubicle. They were back out the next night.
One night I had to use a bin as a shield as a small riot/brawl started and people were rushing the bar to try and grab booze. All I could do was Gandalf it, trying not to let them pass. But again, holding a bin against a load of wronguns in Burberry after a bottle of Archers.
The bouncers got the top bar (where I was) under control and I looked over the balcony to see essentially a scene from a Western. There were chairs flying, people going at each other, arms flailing. An actual WWE style dropkick!
A bouncer (who the rumour was had fled Russia for killing someone in an unlicensed UFC fight) had three guys jump on him. He went to the floor, stood up with them on him and continued punching with someone on his arm like a rag doll unable to do anything but hold on.
This is the same bouncer I once told I would fight if he tried it on with my girlfriend again. He laughed so hard and in an Ivan Drago voice went: “this is why I like you” slapped me on the back and walked away.
He also once made me squeeze by him when I had to go get ice (like, it was a ½ m gap at the best of times) because he was getting blown off. The combination of cold from the ice machine and horrible unphased noises still haunt me.
Another bouncer hung me over the balcony once by my ankles and essentially juggled me from hand to hand. I was laughing, but actually terrified. TBF I deserved it as I'd nipple twisted him and ran away. He hunted and pinned me down. Genuinely a lovely guy though.
One of our regulars Tony, whose catch phrase was “up there for thinking, down there for dancing.” Once got so drunk he couldn’t pull his trousers up and after 2 minutes of watching him: pull up, go to button fly, let go, trousers fall down, I had to for him.
Another regular came in every Weds for 3 years and asked for all his change in 20ps because: “if that bus driver says he doesn’t have change again, I’ll have some bloody change for him”.
He carried a duffel bag constantly and every new person would ask him what was in it and he’d answer “I chopped up my mother and I carry her round with me.” I sneaked a look one day when he went to the toilet. It was actually filled with porn mags. Yep. Freudian.
Another regular frisbeed an ashtray at me after the cost of a pint of Stella went up by 20p.
Someone got fired because they were awful and took a shit in the staff bin.
I once asked a couple to stop wanking each other off on a sofa (not at all hiding). They told me to fuck off, so I went to the DJ booth and announced a live sex show to the very full downstairs.
Oh and we had a DJ who every Saturday would close the night down with “that’s it folks, time to go. And remember if you can’t be good, be bad, but always wear a condom.” Still makes me cringe.
He’d play Christina Aguilera “Dirty” seventeen times a night and every time it would be like watching an empty water hole fill with every imaginable creature in the natural world as they all came into season.
Someone full on slapped me when I was selling shooters. Which were pretty much anything about to go off. Their friend said “that’s not him.” To which she said “does like him though.” No apology.
Okay that’s more than enough for now. I have too many more. Genuinely though, some of the most fun times of my life and still close to so many people I worked with (it was our trenches). See you for a drink when this is over.
