Thread by @soundpoet

I really didn't plan on riffing another movie by Twitter for a while, but then today Geostorm turned up on Netflix, and that's a sitting target right there. So let's get into it.

'Everyone was warned but no one listened.' Climate disasters on epic scale.

First we sink Manhattan.

A child throws us exposition about the climate catastrophes that overcame us in the near future of 2019 over disaster footage.

'The world came together as one.' Ahahaha.

A big net of satellites controls the weather. Done by a team led by one man.

Title appears: Geostorm.

Wait, is that his name? He's like Dave Geostorm or something? Seems unlikely.

Oh no, it's just Gerard Butler. Dave Bag-o-Ham it is then.

He does have a name in the film, but I really can't be bothered to learn it. But he's a maverick! He turns up late for a hearing! Without a tie! But he's come from work. In space! So he's dedicated. Thanks lazy movie shorthand.

Although it makes sense, the name Dutch Boy for the satellite network is also funny.

He can't stop himself being a maverick, even in what's a serious situation.

But we're getting some acting. The whole range from Henry Cavill to Chris Evans.

'Three years later.'

Snow and people frozen to death in a desert. Because that's how that works, right?

High powered suit flirting by characters I don't know or care about.

President Andy Garcia. Oh look, Ed Harris, I wonder if he'll turn out to be the bad guy? Surely not.

The solution is to send up just one man to fix the problem. And that man is... Dave Bag-o-Ham!

Suspicious character on the space station, and then ejected into space. Twisty. It's like a 21st century Alistair McLean novel with even worse science and a truly anonymous cast. Space Station Zebra.

Dave Bag-o-Ham's daughter is an engineering genius, because of course she is.

And Dave's divorced and living in a trailer, because of course he is.

Chased by a faultline, fire twisters and collapsing buildings.

Child being wiser and more adult than the parent. I've literally never seen this before.

While I'm about it, the colour grading is killing my eyes, and some of the CG? Oof.

Stirring music! Zero gravity Gerard Butler with a non-constipated expression! Happiness in the control room! Sure hope we don't get a setback that leads to a low point for our protagonist.

This net looks like a serious obstacle to leaving Earth's orbit.

I thought this was the International Space Station not the Death Star. But it's huge.

Seems to have a lot of screens and buttons glowing away in impractical places, not in use. Wouldn't you want to conserve power?

Guy from Umbrella Academy, don't know his name. Seems to be playing a similar character.

Oh I do not want to see these white-bread nonentities getting it on. This scene better go somewhere plot related.

Also Dave Bag-o-Ham is taking charge and ruffling feathers in space, but getting the job done. And somehow none of the crew know who he is? Weird, but okay, fine.

Title drop! Geostorm. The satellites can cause simultaneous catastrophic events to join together. Like a sci-fi climatic Boris Johnson...

...I mean you'd think trying to control the weather to prevent natural disasters would have unintended consequences anyway, but I guess we're not going there.

Even though that might be a more interesting movie.

Can I go back to watching weird art films now?

Honestly I was expecting more to work with. So far this is Twister or Volcano to 2012's Independence Day. Nowhere near as balls-out wild.

Space walk. I'm sure nothing will go wrong here...

Okay, Dave Bag-o-Ham getting thrown around like a pinball in his runaway space suit holding on to a panel like an interplanetary boogie board is legitimately funny. Go on, movie, you've got my attention.

And the last minute catch of himself to stop flying off into space.

An entirely unpredictable death by car. No, really.

'The unspoken code between brothers.' What? No one told me. Though I guess if it's unspoken they couldn't have.

Hey, a childhood anecdote. Meaningful and characterful. Except it's a code.

But dear God,, we're not even halfway!

'That's a virus!'

Let's turn Dutch Boy off and on again. Sure, why not.

Super hail in Tokyo shooting people, cars & buildings. This is the stupid shit I signed up for!

A deadly advancing line of ice in Brazil! And people outrunning it! Birds and planes falling from the sky!

They have a Geostorm alert? And a countdown? I can just about buy the first, but the countdown? Are you shitting me?

Tell Ed Harris the plan. He seems trustworthy.

Why does the station have a self-destruct sequence? That seems like a bad idea. Does anything outside of movies have such a thing? This movie about weather control satellites being hacked to create a worldwide Geostorm is going to stretch my credulity soon.

Thanks character whose name I don't know for voicing my question, and getting a really stupid answer.

Additional question: why are there so many guns on a space station. Seems kind of risky.

Thank you broken window, my point exactly.

Oh no. The bad guy's Ed Harris. I am shocked.

'That seems like a bad move.'
'Well it's the only move we've got.'
Brilliant dialogue.

Car chase with super explodalightning.

I mean that shit's taking out trucks, cars, buildings, bridges. This is what our fossil fuels have wrought. Won't somebody think of the children?

Second half is way more batshit, fast paced, and entertaining.

Piss break before the last half hour. I swear if this ends with people clapping and cheering I will kick off. Especially if it's contrasted with some quiet moment of personal loss for a couple of characters.

Speaking of, wasn't Dave Bag-o-Ham's daughter in this movie like an hour ago. He's going to make a heroic sacrifice, isn't he? It'll be Armageddon all over again.

Call me cynical or heartless, but I laughed so hard during the Aerosmith song in that movie. It was so transparently manipulative.

Okay, we're back.

Oh, hey Dave Bag-o-Ham's daughter. Timely return to the film. And suspiciously clear and near footage of the space station on tv. Where is that coming from?

Of course Dave's staying on the station, because of course entering the kill codes has to be done manually.

Unnecessary number of police cars.

Massive, and massively unconvincing wave destroying UAE.

Heroic sacrifice incoming in the next 20 minutes.

Moscow on fire.

'Time to Geostorm, one minute and 40 seconds.'

Kid in Mumbai still trying to save his dog from however many minutes ago in the film. Will the dog live?

And how will turning the satellites off and on again stop storms already in progress?

Never mind, it does. Because that's how weather works apparently.

What? Is Dave Bag-o-Ham going to survive? That's not how this works at all. I want 90s disaster movies back (not really).

Boo!

Clapping and cheering. Fuck this.

The extreme storms disappear, the dog survives, and Dave Bag-o-Ham's safely home.

Manly brother hug.

Six months later.

I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful or callous, but dead Dave Bag-o-Ham and sad family is what we deserve from a film like this. A brave sacrifice to save humanity, because systems are easily hacked and can only be fixed in person against a ticking clock.

Wise child voiceover before credits. All humanity is one, blah blah blah. Mars Attacks took the piss out of that way back.

We're done. And I repeat: Booooo!!!

Dull white-bread characters, wooden Gerard Butler, absolutely static first 50 minutes to an hour, thoroughly squandered Andy Garcia and Ed Harris, and insufficient carnage. And what there was pretty terrible looking.

I mean what's the point of a movie called Geostorm with the premise it has if it isn't off-the-chain stupid and laughable with a tear-jerking moment amongst the bittersweet triumph?

And once more to finish for today: Booooooo!!!!!!