Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 3rd

Lords Day. Up and this day I put on my new Kappa of the fashion, which pleases me well, and my boy Bridgen did beg me to kick a pig’s bladder around the garden with him, and I did blow his servile mind

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with 122,000 kick-ups (50,000 of which I didn’t do yet) and after a Wickford picnic (crate of Strongbow) we do hear grayte commotion from the cul-de-sac, and my reclusive neighbour Kim Jong-Un, I believe a career criminal, is inaugurating his fertilizer shed

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with great ceremony and nonsense. Having not seen him these last twenty days I had thought he might have perished in the plague and his estate passed to his next-of-kim, and I did warn the loggerheaded flapdragon that if he starts firing his canons into my azaleas again

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there would be serious trouble with my trident canons, but he did respond that the hundreds of thousands of people cheering his name did reason otherwise, and he is an apple-john for there was nobody there but his housemaid and I did ask her if she wanted to be there

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and she spake ‘Kim Jong-Un is the super mega boss king and he can do 1000 press-ups whilst riding a horse and reciting every Steven Seagal one-liner ever’ and I most smugly smiled, and said ‘Bridgen, you know what to do’ and the boy

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spake ‘Mark Francois is Britain’s Leading Patriot and can do 1001 pull-ups whilst flying a Spitfire and reciting every Roger Moore one-liner ever. Rule Britannia’

And then I had an oven-ready Brexit and went to bed.