I’ve realised why the UK Government’s handling of the Covid-19 crisis has so unsettled me.
It’s because, rather than approach the crisis as an existential threat to our people and our way of life, they’re treating it like they’re contestants on The Apprentice.
Bear with me here…
It’s because, rather than approach the crisis as an existential threat to our people and our way of life, they’re treating it like they’re contestants on The Apprentice.
Bear with me here…
-So, the Ventilator Task. How did you get on?
-Really well. We delivered 30 new ventilators within six weeks.
-But you needed 30,000. That was the target, yes?
-Eh… Yes.
-Really well. We delivered 30 new ventilators within six weeks.
-But you needed 30,000. That was the target, yes?
-Eh… Yes.
-Let me see. You went to the big boys, didn’t you. The big UK brands. F1, Rolls Royce, Dyson
-Yes. That was my idea. A Great British Technology Triumph. We got great publicity.
-But you didn’t go to the Ventilator manufacturers.
-No.
-And you didn’t get any ventilators.
-Eh… No.
-Yes. That was my idea. A Great British Technology Triumph. We got great publicity.
-But you didn’t go to the Ventilator manufacturers.
-No.
-And you didn’t get any ventilators.
-Eh… No.
-Let’s look at the PPE task. You needed to get PPE to the frontline workers to protect their health and prevent the virus from spreading within care settings, hospitals, nursing homes and the likes.
-Yes. It was a great success.
-Yes. It was a great success.
-A great success you say?
-Yes. We delivered millions of items of PPE. Masks, gloves, gowns. Millions.
-But I’m reading reports that doctors and nurses and care workers don’t have enough.
-There were some small problems with logistics but we sorted them out.
-Yes. We delivered millions of items of PPE. Masks, gloves, gowns. Millions.
-But I’m reading reports that doctors and nurses and care workers don’t have enough.
-There were some small problems with logistics but we sorted them out.
-Problems with logistics, you say?
-Yes. The whole world was buying this stuff. It was difficult to get hold of.
-But hang on a minute. Folk all over the country have been raising charity money and buying PPE. They don’t find it difficult to get hold of.
-Yes. The whole world was buying this stuff. It was difficult to get hold of.
-But hang on a minute. Folk all over the country have been raising charity money and buying PPE. They don’t find it difficult to get hold of.
-Eh… No. But we succeeded.
-Succeeded, you say?
-Yes. Millions and millions of items. Billions if you count fingers on gloves
-But I’m reading reports that frontline workers died. Doctors, Nurses, Care Workers. Died.
-Eh… Yes
-Because they didn’t have any PPE, did they.
-Eh…No
-Succeeded, you say?
-Yes. Millions and millions of items. Billions if you count fingers on gloves
-But I’m reading reports that frontline workers died. Doctors, Nurses, Care Workers. Died.
-Eh… Yes
-Because they didn’t have any PPE, did they.
-Eh…No
-OK. Let’s look at the next task. Hospital capacity. The task here was to ensure that hospitals weren’t overwhelmed with Covid patients. That people wouldn’t die unnecessarily. How did you get on?
-Brilliant. We built a brand new hospital in only 10 days.
-10 days? Impressive.
-Brilliant. We built a brand new hospital in only 10 days.
-10 days? Impressive.
-Yes. We built a brand new hospital in 10 days. With 4000 beds.
-4000 beds? Wow.
-Yes. It was a great success.
-Success you say? Well, let’s look at that.
-How many patients did you treat at the new hospital?
-Eh… not many.
-Why not?
-Well, we didn’t need it.
-Why not?
-4000 beds? Wow.
-Yes. It was a great success.
-Success you say? Well, let’s look at that.
-How many patients did you treat at the new hospital?
-Eh… not many.
-Why not?
-Well, we didn’t need it.
-Why not?
-Well, we didn’t need to use the new hospital because we decided to discharge Covid patients into nursing homes instead.
-Nursing homes?
-Yes.
-And how did that work out?
-It was very successful.
-Successful you say?
-Yes.
-Well, let’s look at that.
-Nursing homes?
-Yes.
-And how did that work out?
-It was very successful.
-Successful you say?
-Yes.
-Well, let’s look at that.
-So you decided not to use the new hospital you’d built and sent patients to nursing homes instead?
-Yes.
-Covid patients?
-Yes.
-You tested them first?
-Eh… No
-You didn’t test them?
-No
-And you put them in nursing homes?
-Yes
-Covid patients.
-Yes
-In nursing homes.
-Eh… Yes
-Yes.
-Covid patients?
-Yes.
-You tested them first?
-Eh… No
-You didn’t test them?
-No
-And you put them in nursing homes?
-Yes
-Covid patients.
-Yes
-In nursing homes.
-Eh… Yes
-So you discharged Covid patients into nursing homes instead of into the new hospital you had built?
-Yes. It was a great success. We made sure hospital capacity wasn’t overwhelmed.
-But you didn’t test the patients before discharging them?
-No.
-Yes. It was a great success. We made sure hospital capacity wasn’t overwhelmed.
-But you didn’t test the patients before discharging them?
-No.
-The nursing homes didn’t know some of the patients were Covid positive, did they?
-Eh… No
-And the nursing homes didn’t have enough PPE, did they?
-Eh… No
-And people died.
-But we stopped the hospitals from being overwhelmed.
-But people died.
-Yes
-Thousands. Died.
-Eh… Yes
-Eh… No
-And the nursing homes didn’t have enough PPE, did they?
-Eh… No
-And people died.
-But we stopped the hospitals from being overwhelmed.
-But people died.
-Yes
-Thousands. Died.
-Eh… Yes
-Let’s look at the Testing task. You were tasked with ramping up testing to the same level as Germany and France. How did you get on?
-It was a great success. I set a target of 100,000 tests per day by the end of April.
-100,000 test a day?
-Yes.
-It was a great success. I set a target of 100,000 tests per day by the end of April.
-100,000 test a day?
-Yes.
-So you set a target of 100,000 test per day. Did you hit your target?
-Yes. It was a great success.
-Was it? Let’s look at that. How many tests did you do?
-We did 122,000
-Yes.
-How many people were tested?
-eh… About 70,000
-Yes. It was a great success.
-Was it? Let’s look at that. How many tests did you do?
-We did 122,000
-Yes.
-How many people were tested?
-eh… About 70,000
-70,000 people tested? That’s not 122,000 is it.
-Eh… No
-It’s not even 100,000 is it?
-Eh…No
-What about the rest?
-Well, we counted the number of tests posted out
-Posted out?
-Yes. And the number of tests sent to mobile testing stations.
-Sent?
-Yes
-But not tested.
-Eh…No
-Eh… No
-It’s not even 100,000 is it?
-Eh…No
-What about the rest?
-Well, we counted the number of tests posted out
-Posted out?
-Yes. And the number of tests sent to mobile testing stations.
-Sent?
-Yes
-But not tested.
-Eh…No
-So you missed your target?
-Eh… Yes. But it was just a Bee Hag.
-A Bee Hag?
-Yes. A Big Hairy Audacious Goal.
-But you didn’t hit the target. You missed the goal.
-Eh… Yes
-And how many people are being tested each day now?
-Eh…About 60,000
-Not 100,000?
-Eh…No
-That’s Hairy
-Eh… Yes. But it was just a Bee Hag.
-A Bee Hag?
-Yes. A Big Hairy Audacious Goal.
-But you didn’t hit the target. You missed the goal.
-Eh… Yes
-And how many people are being tested each day now?
-Eh…About 60,000
-Not 100,000?
-Eh…No
-That’s Hairy
-So, the latest task. Tracing. How did you get on?
-It’s been a great success.
-Thank Goodness. Now, I put you onto the Tech giants, the global experts. Apple. Google. How did you get on with them? Have you got a Tracing App?
-We decided to do it ourselves.
-Yourselves?
-Eh… Yes
-It’s been a great success.
-Thank Goodness. Now, I put you onto the Tech giants, the global experts. Apple. Google. How did you get on with them? Have you got a Tracing App?
-We decided to do it ourselves.
-Yourselves?
-Eh… Yes
-You haven’t used the Tech experts I gave you?
-No. Dominic knows this guy who helped him with some Apps previously.
-Dominic?
-Yes
Not Google?
-No
-Or Apple?
-Eh… No
-Dominic.
-Yes. He says the data will be really valuable.
-Does it work?
-We’re running tests.
-Not more tests!
-No. Dominic knows this guy who helped him with some Apps previously.
-Dominic?
-Yes
Not Google?
-No
-Or Apple?
-Eh… No
-Dominic.
-Yes. He says the data will be really valuable.
-Does it work?
-We’re running tests.
-Not more tests!
Tune in next week when the Candidates attempt to lift the Lockdown restrictions while preventing a second wave of infection in the country.
Ends.
Ends.
