My Authors
Read all threads
Fuck it. I’m doing it: Men of Middle Earth as bad ex boyfriends who ruined your life:

- has a trust fund, asks you to split dinner anyway because he’s “broke”
- bad boy aversion to responsibility used to be hot, now it’s just getting annoying
- “shampoo is bad for your hair”

- really affectionate, but if you don’t text back he melts down
- won’t let you buy non-organic produce
- his best friend is your best friend now, you’re the third wheel on all your dates

- will not tell anyone you’re dating so he can keep his options open
- steals your hair products
- complains when he sees girls wearing Thrasher tees

- used to be fun but you never leave the house anymore
- if you talk during a football game you’re dead to him
- enormous family who won’t stop asking when you’re going to have kids

- only drinks craft beer and he will not shut up about it
- has confused brooding with having a personality
- not so much a “boyfriend” as the hot mistake you keep making over and over and over...

- more baggage than the overhead compartment of a 747
- really sweet but cannot get his shit together
- all that vanilla sex is starting to get real boring

- complete burn out
- banter is fun only until you realize your entire relationship is based on antagonism
- he is going to get you into serious trouble one day

- secret artistic side kinda not making up for what a clown he is
- caves instantly to peer pressure
- you can’t leave him unsupervised for like a second

- horrible combination of inferiority complex and fragile ego
- has never heard the word “no”
- really, really thinks getting married will fix your relationship problems?

- doe-eyed schtick is getting tired
- complete layabout who’s never worked a day in his life
- estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned

- ghosts you exactly when you need him most
- probably in a crappy prog rock band, keeps “reinventing” himself
- “weed sommelier”

- there are only so many hours in the goddamn day
- serves you mushrooms of suspect providence
- no seriously, what happened to your ex wife? You “lost” her? I’m gonna need you to be a lot more specific, bud

- on again, off again bc he lives for drama
- backhanded compliments
- influencer who keeps mining your relationship for content

- dude...that was kind of racist
- orders for you at restaurants
- never apologizes ever, for anything, even if it’s his fault

- daddy dom well dried up
- not worth having to sit through another monologue about how “music today is all beeps and boops”
- performance in off-broadway production of Hamlet left a lot to be desired

- terrible table manners
- no
- why would you ever?

- he is definitely going to steal your wallet one of these days
- does not want you to have any friends
- will not stop talking about himself in the third person

- Spends way too much time on Reddit
- has a PHD in philosophy, and works it into every conversation
- is absolutely cheating on you

- more of an ill-advised fling you had on vacation
- works in investment banking
- turns out he’s married

- allergic to fun
- thinks you need to “broaden your horizons” so he wants you to read Kerouac
- Calls himself a self-made man even though he inherented the house

- 100% gaslighting you
- has never changed the sheets, ever
- “Name five of their songs, poseur”
The Witch King

- despite obvious predilection for gender-bending, doesn’t respect anyone else’s pronouns
- listens to screamo at ear splitting volumes
- won’t post photos of you together on Insta bc you’re bad for his aesthetic
Last by special request, Thorin:

- historical figure he relates to most is Lord Byron
- needs constant reassurance that he’s hotter than your exes
- won’t just come out and call you a gold digger, but he’s thinking it
Ok, I’ll cave, Thranduil:

- when you try to make plans, he says “whatever you want do”, but absolutely does not mean it
- can afford to tip, but doesn’t
- leaves you on read

- brags about belonging to MENSA
- manages several sock puppet accounts he doesn’t want you to know about
- kicked out of his own doom metal band bc he always plays with his back to the audience—but it’s not because he has stage fright, okay?

- an absolutely prototypical fuckboy
- thinks his entire charm is his sense of humour, but is not actually funny
- sends unsolicited dick picks

- manages simultaneously to be so handsome and so boring you forgot about him
- already in a committed relationship with his Bowflex
- you ran out of shit to talk about on your first date
The Mouth of Sauron:

- mad about perceived slights in this comedy thread
- hustle culture
- spends all his free time playing Warframe
Everard Proudfoot:

- his kink is pointing out spelling errors in tweets
- believes dragons in medieval fantasy inexplicably more “historically accurate” than black people
- you have to let him win at multiplayer or he pouts all day
Not sure how this thread broke so badly, but Sauron, Thranduil, Kili, Bard and others are here:
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh.

Enjoying this thread?

Keep Current with Alex Arrelia

Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert it as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

Follow Us on Twitter!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3.00/month or $30.00/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!