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Fuck it. I’m doing it: Men of Middle Earth as bad ex boyfriends who ruined your life:
Aragorn

- has a trust fund, asks you to split dinner anyway because he’s “broke”
- bad boy aversion to responsibility used to be hot, now it’s just getting annoying
- “shampoo is bad for your hair”
Sam:

- really affectionate, but if you don’t text back he melts down
- won’t let you buy non-organic produce
- his best friend is your best friend now, you’re the third wheel on all your dates
Legolas:

- will not tell anyone you’re dating so he can keep his options open
- steals your hair products
- complains when he sees girls wearing Thrasher tees
Gimli:

- used to be fun but you never leave the house anymore
- if you talk during a football game you’re dead to him
- enormous family who won’t stop asking when you’re going to have kids
Eomer:

- only drinks craft beer and he will not shut up about it
- has confused brooding with having a personality
- not so much a “boyfriend” as the hot mistake you keep making over and over and over...
Faramir:

- more baggage than the overhead compartment of a 747
- really sweet but cannot get his shit together
- all that vanilla sex is starting to get real boring
Merry

- complete burn out
- banter is fun only until you realize your entire relationship is based on antagonism
- he is going to get you into serious trouble one day
Pippin

- secret artistic side kinda not making up for what a clown he is
- caves instantly to peer pressure
- you can’t leave him unsupervised for like a second
Boromir

- horrible combination of inferiority complex and fragile ego
- has never heard the word “no”
- really, really thinks getting married will fix your relationship problems?
Frodo:

- doe-eyed schtick is getting tired
- complete layabout who’s never worked a day in his life
- estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned
Gandalf:

- ghosts you exactly when you need him most
- probably in a crappy prog rock band, keeps “reinventing” himself
- “weed sommelier”
Treebeard:

- there are only so many hours in the goddamn day
- serves you mushrooms of suspect providence
- no seriously, what happened to your ex wife? You “lost” her? I’m gonna need you to be a lot more specific, bud
Haldir:

- on again, off again bc he lives for drama
- backhanded compliments
- influencer who keeps mining your relationship for content
Elrond:

- dude...that was kind of racist
- orders for you at restaurants
- never apologizes ever, for anything, even if it’s his fault
Theoden:

- daddy dom well dried up
- not worth having to sit through another monologue about how “music today is all beeps and boops”
- performance in off-broadway production of Hamlet left a lot to be desired
Denethor:

- terrible table manners
- no
- why would you ever?
Gollum:

- he is definitely going to steal your wallet one of these days
- does not want you to have any friends
- will not stop talking about himself in the third person
Sarumon:

- Spends way too much time on Reddit
- has a PHD in philosophy, and works it into every conversation
- is absolutely cheating on you
Isildur

- more of an ill-advised fling you had on vacation
- works in investment banking
- turns out he’s married
Bilbo:

- allergic to fun
- thinks you need to “broaden your horizons” so he wants you to read Kerouac
- Calls himself a self-made man even though he inherented the house
Wormtongue

- 100% gaslighting you
- has never changed the sheets, ever
- “Name five of their songs, poseur”
The Witch King

- despite obvious predilection for gender-bending, doesn’t respect anyone else’s pronouns
- listens to screamo at ear splitting volumes
- won’t post photos of you together on Insta bc you’re bad for his aesthetic
Last by special request, Thorin:

- historical figure he relates to most is Lord Byron
- needs constant reassurance that he’s hotter than your exes
- won’t just come out and call you a gold digger, but he’s thinking it
Ok, I’ll cave, Thranduil:

- when you try to make plans, he says “whatever you want do”, but absolutely does not mean it
- can afford to tip, but doesn’t
- leaves you on read
Sauron:

- brags about belonging to MENSA
- manages several sock puppet accounts he doesn’t want you to know about
- kicked out of his own doom metal band bc he always plays with his back to the audience—but it’s not because he has stage fright, okay?
Kili:

- an absolutely prototypical fuckboy
- thinks his entire charm is his sense of humour, but is not actually funny
- sends unsolicited dick picks
Bard:

- manages simultaneously to be so handsome and so boring you forgot about him
- already in a committed relationship with his Bowflex
- you ran out of shit to talk about on your first date
The Mouth of Sauron:

- mad about perceived slights in this comedy thread
- hustle culture
- spends all his free time playing Warframe
Everard Proudfoot:

- his kink is pointing out spelling errors in tweets
- believes dragons in medieval fantasy inexplicably more “historically accurate” than black people
- you have to let him win at multiplayer or he pouts all day
Not sure how this thread broke so badly, but Sauron, Thranduil, Kili, Bard and others are here:
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