Thread by @glitchedpuppet

I am so, so supremely tired of this. I am not a child predator. I have never been a child predator. I have never done anything resembling trying to prey on children, nor will I ever. My husband was the one who did things behind my back, who lied to my face about what he did.

Every single time one of these shows up, I have to decide whether or not to wade through blatant misinformation designed specifically to abuse me and my community for the misfortune of having been associated with my abusive ex-husband. This person is punishing abuse victims.

I speak up on this over and over, and I don't really know what more I can do at this point. I've given my explanations and apologized accordingly for remarks I've made in the past re: underage stuff, which always involves delving into sexual abuse I went through as a kid.

I repeatedly expose my feelings and history and what I've been through, and I am constantly barraged with strangers who don't understand what happened acting like I'm currently posing some kind of weird danger that's completely incomprehensible to me.

One thing after the other. Constant, consistent things that are difficult to defend against, because it requires telling a 6 hour long story of my entire life just to give enough context that all of the things people say have anything to slot into, any way to understand "why".

I don't really get it. I get thousands and thousands of strangers, hating me for things I didn't do & have no way of ever addressing with them. I try repeatedly to talk on this, and what I have to say is always, consistently ignored. I just want to make games and exist positively

It's not like Twitter even cares if someone goes around calling you a fucking child predator when that's the furthest fucking possible thing from the truth that there is. What's to be done about this? What are my realistic options?

This is just a constant, consistent source of abuse. I barely use Twitter because of this stuff, because randos are pretty good at being abusive. And that's exactly what they want - they want to use abuse to shove me away. So it takes fortitude just to keep existing.

I keep thinking about how Spiicedon said I "groomed" them, and we had absolutely NOTHING in DMs, and maybe like two dozen light interactions. Over the course of years. Nothing that looked remotely sexual? So. What the fuck? This is just a "fact" now. What does it mean? Who knows.

So I just get this increasingly hard thing to untangle, of people saying sensationalist stuff, and I don't know really what to do about it. Everything Marl did gets pinned on me, I'm demonized for not knowing about what everyone next to me is doing at all times, and then what?

I was basically a ghost of a person after PMD-e thanks to Marl, and then after Pengo's callout where basically everything about actions around him got distorted into a narrative that didn't match how I felt or what I did. And this has just been how it is, for the past 6-7 years.

I don't really know what I can do. The goal seems to be to get me to kill myself through isolation. That almost worked 2 years ago, thanks to the callout they linked, but then I was able to remove Marl from my life after learning what he had been doing in general &things improved

But now I have to worry about any time I make a friend, how much strain will be put on that friend? If I tell them the entire story of what happened to me & spare no details, then they'll end up harassed &hurt too. I have lost many friends this way; abuse works & these ppl use it

There is this constant shifting of events - originally I had no idea how to respond to stuff from 2 years ago, because Marl had apparently implicated me (unbeknownst to me) in bestiality shit in logs. This is when I had a mental breakdown, because Marl wouldn't admit he said it.

I pressed him over and over, where did this come from? Why was he saying that? Especially to seemingly a minor? And he repeated it was all just a lie, and that he would never say something like that. I felt my entire head get split in half at that point.

What made it worse? Isolation. Marl had forbidden me from talking about him for 12 years at that point. I sometimes rarely did it, but I had to do it in a positive way. No one fucking talked about this as abuse on his part. I was simply kept in the dark.

So at this point, I was already supremely isolated - back in April 2018. I basically talked to maybe 1 or 2 people, and I didn't feel comfortable sharing any of my feelings with ANYONE. Marl had complete control over what I felt allowed to share or not & I was scared of everyone

So I was in a position where I had no way to get more information without looking at sites STEEPED in hatred for me for things I wasn't fucking doing, and I just broke in half. The isolation nearly killed me - sorry to those of you who wish I'd ended my life. I kept going.

And there was no way to explain this. Who's going to fucking believe I wasn't involved, after these logs? Logs Marl kept assuring me were faked, lies, etc. Who do I believe? People trying to ruin my life, or my husband? Well, he was a master at gaslighting, so I fell for it.

I don't understand how people think that making threads trying to isolate me is the solution to anything, especially without understanding what happened. The act of trying to isolate someone is often accompanied by that individual going through severe suicidal urges, you know?

I can't help but look at threads like that and wonder how many people in their life feel unheard and who have wanted to kill themselves as a result. It's fucking terrifying. There's such a complete disregard for the reality here that I don't know what to say.

That having been said, I'll apologize to someone who was upset in the thread- I'm sorry for not having looked into it better before making a statement either way. I was actually informed by a close friend that he actually had done this at the same time as I learned he leaked.

It's a pretty good example of me doing exactly the thing that I'm talking about in this thread - kneejerk reaction about a stranger without looking into it. That was my mistake, and you're not obligated to forgive me, but I still would like to apologize for that instance.

Regardless, I was only able to learn about this because a friend approached me about it without trying to hurt me over it. In general, people have a much harder time listening when they're approached in anger or with hatred, or with malicious assumptions baked into their words.

I was able to listen to this same friend walk me through the bigfluff logs last year, because they weren't judging me for not having been able to read them to begin with. Then I was able to have a much better understanding of how Marl had manipulated me, as a result.

Overall, I want to stress how much it sucks from every side to take a kneejerk reaction to drama, without fully considering what each person has to say. That's what teeters into abusive territory; what I say is discarded in favor of a narrative that lets me be an evil figure.

I am sorry there's not much in the way of addressing what's going on in that thread, but I've done it repeatedly. I've explained it repeatedly. I'm still holding onto my thorough apology and explanation documents because I'm waiting for one of Marl's victims to finish their piece

So I don't know what can be said. There's constantly misinformation tossed around due to hurt feelings, and I can try to clear it up, but it doesn't seem to do much when one of the goals is making sure I don't have a voice. Without my half, it's always going to not make sense.

I don't even really have faith that my documents will help, and I find deep irony in the fact that in me trying to respect one of Marl's victims, roach ended up writing another callout due to impatience with me ... when I'm just waiting on the other person. Nice victim support!

I don't know. I have a lot of feelings about strangers making up facts about my life in order to try to hurt me. I got to hear about someone claiming I was still in contact w/ Marl. This was a huge slap in the face. Are you kidding me? I still have nightmares about him 2x a week.

I literally woke up from a nightmare this morning about Marl gaslighting me and continually reappearing in the house no matter how many times I told him to get out and go away. This is fucking routine! Here's just a snippet from today's nightmare.

First the narrative was that I was a monster for not leaving Marl. Then the narrative was that I was a monster for leaving Marl, and that I was actually abusing him. Now the narrative seems to leave Marl out altogether, even though he was central to literally everything in this.

Marl was painted as this huge victimizer I was knowingly supporting. No one really considered that maybe he was victimizing me. *I* couldn't even consider that until I left him and started to seek help for every way he'd treated me since we got together. I've been stuck with PTSD

How could I even begin to consider that anyone else had been hurt by him when he wouldn't let me feel hurt by anything he did to me? I couldn't. I had no emotional grounding to any of my feelings mattering, and this is repeated in abusive callout threads. It sucks.

I don't have a problem apologizing to people I've actually hurt, but again I'm waiting on one of Marl's other victims before I can post my thorough apologies. But I do have a problem with people acting like I'm a danger in ways I'm very much not, and fight hard against in my life

Last night, I got to find out that someone in my server had been verbally and emotionally abusive about how someone else should have just put up with grooming they endured. This was a horrible sentiment. The situation was complicated, and they, too, were being verbally abused.

What fucked me up here is that person A [who made an awful comment about grooming] had been emotionally abused by person B [who went through horrible grooming] and I could understand why person A lashed out, but it was still completely inexcusable. The whole thing sucked.

Person B was trying to push Person A out of a space, and Person A said that horrible thing as a means of pushing them away... instead of just not engaging.

And then I guess this somehow got pinned on me, too??? Even though I had literally nothing to do with this.

Situations are complicated. Person A had to be removed, and we sent them off urging them to find professional help for the kinds of remarks and lashing out they're prone to doing...

But it's really no different from the callout threads I see? It's the same kind of lashing out.

I don't understand why the emphasis isn't on healing pain, and why instead the emphasis is on trying to get people to essentially kill themselves. There's a lot I don't understand about these kinds of responses. I see it repeatedly, from many friends who've been through similar.

I don't understand why so few people actually want to take a deeper look at issues. It's just tiring. I'm sorry that I can't be more of a positive force on this site, but it's just hard when you constantly have to fight with strangers asserting that you weren't abused/hurt, too.

There's just a complete lack of understanding that makes it hard to exist. How do I exist alongside someone who's posing as an expert on me and my life, who claims I'm still in contact with Marl, when the reality is that he blocked me over a year ago for divorce matters?

We didn't speak once I separated from him except in me trying to get some mundane information from him relating to house matters or the divorce. He stalled the divorce process by fucking months and months, half a year, because he didn't want to face it - same as anything else.

And yet, this is the quality of information on experts on me. "they're still talking to Marl". And I just sit here having absolutely no idea what the fuck that means or where that's coming from, because it's both absurd and extremely nauseating. But no one cares about that.

And it's just another item in the growing pile of things that are just flat out fucking lies that are spread for... what reason? I don't know. What fucking reason would I possibly have for wanting anything to do with Marl? Trying to untangle his lies to me in old convos is HELL

All around, it's like my life is a game of telephone. Whoever feels hurt is allowed to say whatever they want to say, and act like I'm in on whatever helps push their friends away from me. And I just get to sit and watch. And trying to say anything is seen as guilt of Something.

I guess I feel a little desensitized to it now, because I'm finally able to link that the same kinds of people who make these callouts are close-minded in the same way that Marl was and that let him hurt others. Seeing the broad pattern gives me a little peace knowing I can't act

Marl was infamous for not listening when he didn't want to, and not communicating meaningfully when he was upset. He'd just verbally abuse people and say whatever was most hurtful. And there was no arguing or really engaging, because he didn't care about feelings, so.

Dealing with people spreading callouts has very much the same flavor as watching Marl beat down on other people. It's a function of watching someone try to exert power on the world by creating a story where hurting someone just /makes sense/, and Marl was good at this.

So I guess that's why I'm giving off kind of a detached tone here. I'm sorry. No response is ever right, you know? If I'm mad someone is lying about me or wrong, then I'm "having a meltdown", and if I'm emotionless, then I clearly "don't care" or whatever. Every response is wrong

Every response was also wrong in my marriage to Marl. My emotions and feelings slowly got shut off by him until every day was bathed in an undercurrent of wanting to kill myself and die. For years. And I kept it under control by talking to basically no one and ONLY working.

I'm constantly subject to the whims of strangers taking their [perceived] problems out on me, and I guess I don't really see others labeling this as abuse, despite the fact that I know this is no different from how Marl treated others and treated me. It's strange to watch.

And all I have is Marl as a reference point to even explain this stuff. My Marl nightmares resurface a lot when someone is blaming me for his actions, or actively shutting me out for trying to exist. Repeatedly, it doesn't seem to matter what I say, as it is ALWAYS ignored.

I don't understand the cognitive dissonance of acting like I was horrible to not leave Marl, The Victimizer... and then when I try to talk about how Marl hurting me impacted me, it's ignored. Marl hurt other people for a few months; that sucked. Marl hurt me for 12 years and...?

Marl hurt me for 12 years, and obviously it must be fake and nothing he did impacted me, and actually it was just me all along, and let's forget about the Marl part. Right?

I don't know. No one listens. I don't know what the point is anymore, so I'm going for now. Thanks guys.

This person has made a followup set of replies, which I will address and apologize where appropriate.

1) I am sorry that Ommy exposed you to that at that age. I do not understand why he would have done that, and it's disgusting and reprehensible.

2) I had a separate NSFW blog. I don't understand how you got to the NSFW blog without seeking it out. I thought that having a separate blog from my NSFW would work.

3) I am confused that you were 11 and looking at PMD-E, as both Tumblr and dA I believe have a policy where you have to be at least 13 to have an account. Did you not have any parental figures to guide you? Either way, I'm sorry you stumbled onto it. It must have been upsetting.

1) I don't understand. Did I directly link to the NSFW tumblr from dA? I know that was against the rules on dA, and it doesn't sound like me, so I'm confused here. Did this happen? Not trying to sound accusatory or like I don't believe you, but I can't recall this being accurate.

2) I have apologized for my remarks about underage stuff over and over, and also, I would like to clarify that it was explicitly about stories of underage characters. I am repulsed by real children being harmed, as my dad molested me and raped my brother. The fiction helped me.

3) I am sorry that it came across as fetishizing actual kids going through this stuff. The things I expressed explicitly were about going through those feelings myself, and having a safe (FICTIONAL) way to process my own feelings regarding having been a CSA victim of my father.

4) The art I made of N was along these lines. Making that art helped me address the things my father had done to me. I understand I approached it flippantly back then - everyone else around me did, too, so I didn't know how to approach the horror of what had happened to me.

5) I am not, and was not, into kids at that age finding my porn. Again, I need to stress that it was a purely fictional coping mechanism. I am sorry for the distress caused to you in it coming across otherwise. I believe that CSA victimization is serious and dangerous.

1) Again, this isn't true. I do not feel this way. I was not turned on by this, nor am I now. I am not quite sure where you are getting this impression, but I apologize for whatever I may have done that gave this impression off. It's a very heavy feeling.

I did not have the story of him doing this to you until I read this tweet thread. I am not sure how I was meant to apologize for that - I don't go seeking out people being angry, but I'm happy to listen to them explain what happened to them. No one should go through that grooming

I do not enjoy knowing that my art was using in that way at all. Finding out that it was even a possibility was something I had not learned until the past year or so. I was not aware of it and absolutely do not condone it. No one should be showing that kind of stuff to minors.

I can understand how this came across, and I'm sorry it came across that way. That work for me symbolized an adult (PK) doing something bad to a kid (Rhodes) and actually feeling guilt about it, and I found it cathartic because my dad couldn't even admit to molesting me.

It was in no way meant to represent that I felt this should happen to kids, or that it was normal or acceptable. For me it was a way of exploring feelings I had cut myself off from, because my mother had blamed me for speaking to the police about my dad molesting me.

This is very sad. I'm sorry that Rhodes ended up causing you harm like this. This was never my intention, and I was completely ignorant to the harm that could be caused to kids who were shown the work. I am sorry that it ended up impacting you in such a deeply hurtful way.

I can understand why you might have anger over this. While I can't control the actions of others, it is miserable that this happened to you and that my work due to my own trauma was used to abuse you. It was not okay, and nothing makes okay. I'm sorry for adding to your hurt.

archive.li/tcBAz Here's a link to the Shroomsworth story that carried into NSFW. The mentioned SFW Tumblr at the bottom is not linked, it is stated. From my SFW Tumblr, it's most likely that I linked to my NSFW Tumblr, which was labeled as such.

I'm being shown old old times on my SFW Tumblr where apparently I posted some NSFW? I don't see it in any of the archive links or understand why it's there. This is completely contradictory to my memory, so I'm going to just accept there's some reason for it that I don't know.

Oh, I figured it out. I was looking at dates - my SFW Tumblr was transformed into that past a certain date - in 2011 I only had one tumblr, and it was for everything. In 2012, I had split it into NSFW and SFW. This makes a lot more sense now, timelinewise.