When I worked at the @nytimes, I had a manager who for two years told me that I’m difficult, nasty, fragile, territorial, controlling. He always told me this in person, in private. (thread)
He told me that I don’t care about other people. That no one wanted to work with me. That people were "more relaxed" when I was away. I respected him. Believed every word he said, every time. I even internalized it, tried to fix it. It was a full year before I told HR.
I simply thought that if I changed, he'd stop. If I did everything right, he'd approve. If I fit in, everything would be OK. That if I used the right words, at the right time, in the right way, he would not lash out.
And eventually: I thought that if I reported the facts, HR would believe me.
HR framed it as a communications issue. That I simply wasn’t "hearing" his feedback. That we both needed coaching. And he remained my manager. Approved my coaching plans. Reviewed my progress.
And he further said that he was intimidated by me. That I had to be careful who else I shared my career goals with. That I couldn’t want the same career path as him. He continued to lash out. And still on some level I continued to believe him.
I wanted to focus more on security in the newsroom. That’s why I was there, what I believe in, what I am passionate about, and leadership agreed. I was given a temporary manager. I told her my story. Things were looking up.
Then: new leadership. I was appointed a new manager. My role was suddenly eliminated. Short notice, no warning, no goodbyes.
I’m sharing this now because I want you to know what happened. Because I don’t want to hold on to the secret, the shame, and the guilt. This is not about journalists or journalism, but what happened was not OK. Gaslighting is not OK. I did not deserve that. No one does.
If you are in a position like this, know that you always have a choice of speaking out. Do better than me, sooner. You don’t need someone else's approval to push back.
