The modern push to make insecure people “love yourself first” is pushed by people who give up on any chance of being loved by others. Loving yourself first becomes a fallback to those who’ve surrendered to self-loathing.
People need to feel loved first to see their own worth.
People need to feel loved first to see their own worth.
We are a species who thrive in security from numbers. Even if it’s just three people who love and accept us, our mental health is uniquely terrible when we lack that core group. Our animal brain shrieks that we’re alone and unsafe and no one will ever help us.
This drive to make insecure people love themselves first is utter tripe born from a lack of understanding their wounds. They believe they have no worth because they believe others have discarded them. They believe they’ve been judged worthless by their own families.
“Love yourself first” ignored these wounds, these secret shames, this terrifying belief that the insecure person carries something so evil and undesirable down inside them that anyone who sees it recoils in disgust. The insecure person can’t see it but KNOWS it’s there.
Do you tell a cancer patient to walk off their malignant tumor? Do you tell a person with broken legs to just walk normal and they’ll be fine?
So why tell someone who believes they’re fundamentally worthless and unlovable to just love themself first?
So why tell someone who believes they’re fundamentally worthless and unlovable to just love themself first?
We feel safe and secure when we are loved by others.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEEDING LOVE FROM OTHERS.
BELIEVING THIS NEED IS WRONG IS BORN OF THE FEAR WE ARE UNWORTHY AND NEED TO REJECT OTHERS IN ADVANCE SO THEY CAN’T SEE OUR UNLOVABLE SELF AND HURT US WITH REJECTION.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEEDING LOVE FROM OTHERS.
BELIEVING THIS NEED IS WRONG IS BORN OF THE FEAR WE ARE UNWORTHY AND NEED TO REJECT OTHERS IN ADVANCE SO THEY CAN’T SEE OUR UNLOVABLE SELF AND HURT US WITH REJECTION.
Don’t tell someone who is this broken to love themself. That’s like telling someone dying of poison to just stop being poisoned.
Instead, love that person. Give them your love. Talk to them about what love is and what it is not. Teach them what their families failed to impart.
Instead, love that person. Give them your love. Talk to them about what love is and what it is not. Teach them what their families failed to impart.
People need love. People need to love and be loved. Without this we are a hypervigilant mess on the edge of terror and saturated with resentment against those who wounded us.
Love heals over so many mental health disorders and restores so much hope. It is irreplaceable.
Love heals over so many mental health disorders and restores so much hope. It is irreplaceable.
Learning to accept love can be just as hard as learning to love yourself but now there is a second person involved, not just the endless echo chamber inside the insecure person’s head telling them they’re worthless. Now trust can form. Tests can be passed. Conversation can teach.
With two, with open dialogue about fear and who deserves love and what love really is, with openly addressing all these concerns and testing reality against the fears and learning that we have much to give, an insecure person can learn they are loved. They can learn what love is.
Worth in the eyes of others, to be truly loved, to learn to receive love and trust it will continue, allows one to finally raise a sword against the demons inside who whisper dark poisons in the lonely nights, who tell you your family was right to reject you.
Instead of telling people to love themselves, we should teach people how love forms, how one is worthy of it, what a loved one expects, how to communicate openly, how to challenge fears, and how to help love thrive.
It’s a hard road back from insecurity from attachment wounds, but learning to be loved by others and seeing your worth through their loving eyes is crucial to real lasting healing.
