Okay, I'm diving into the deranged dervish of Trump's Tulsa rally.
Get comfortable. Refresh your beverage.
Wish me well in this journey for it is the stuff of nightmares.
1/
Get comfortable. Refresh your beverage.
Wish me well in this journey for it is the stuff of nightmares.
1/
We have a few minutes, so let's do a little table-setting.
I'll be watching via Fox News so as to fully experience the concussive effects of both the event and coverage.
I will be accompanied by as many as three beers. They are gravely insufficient for the task ahead.
2.
I'll be watching via Fox News so as to fully experience the concussive effects of both the event and coverage.
I will be accompanied by as many as three beers. They are gravely insufficient for the task ahead.
2.
Tonight's rally is taking place at Tulsa's BOK Arena.
Tulsa is a city of 400,000 people yet Trump has repeatedly claimed to have had 1,000,000 signups for tonight's monster truck rally of the damned.
Let's check in with reporters on the ground to see how that's working out.
3/
Tulsa is a city of 400,000 people yet Trump has repeatedly claimed to have had 1,000,000 signups for tonight's monster truck rally of the damned.
Let's check in with reporters on the ground to see how that's working out.
3/
Uh-oh... something appears to be going horribly wrong with Babyfingers' efforts to stage a Dimwit Woodstock during a pandemic.
The outdoor stage built to address an "overflow crowd" is now being disassembled unused because there is no such crowd...
4/
The outdoor stage built to address an "overflow crowd" is now being disassembled unused because there is no such crowd...
4/
Ouch... seeing Trump on the outdoor stage appears to have been about as popular as a free strip-mall colonoscopy.
This is going to haunt the Toddler in Chief's dreams tonight.
Ghosts will crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind.
5/
This is going to haunt the Toddler in Chief's dreams tonight.
Ghosts will crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind.
5/
Oof. Trump is scheduled to take the stage any time now and this was the view about 20 minutes ago.
It has only filled in slightly since then. The upper bowl is largely empty. The floor is not packed.
This is an utter humiliation.
It has only filled in slightly since then. The upper bowl is largely empty. The floor is not packed.
This is an utter humiliation.
Able to sell out the BOK Arena:
A now defunct Tulsa Shock team that went on to post a 6-28 record.
Unable to sell out the BOK Arena:
Donald J. Trump
A now defunct Tulsa Shock team that went on to post a 6-28 record.
Unable to sell out the BOK Arena:
Donald J. Trump
And here we go...
The PA system kicks into a full-volume playing of a song no one should need to hear outside of once a year on July 4th. "God Bless the USA"
And out comes the Fuckopotamus...
The PA system kicks into a full-volume playing of a song no one should need to hear outside of once a year on July 4th. "God Bless the USA"
And out comes the Fuckopotamus...
Saunters to the stage soaking up the crowd love like the world's neediest bar sponge.
His face is typical rallyesque: newly spray-tanned. Orange as a plastic pumpkin save for the piglet-pink orbits around his eyes.
He looks like a kindergartner colored him in with crayons.
His face is typical rallyesque: newly spray-tanned. Orange as a plastic pumpkin save for the piglet-pink orbits around his eyes.
He looks like a kindergartner colored him in with crayons.
Trump opens with a cotton-mouthed slurring of some nonsense about how the audience are warriors because they triumphed over the "very bad people" outside who were causing trouble.
Note: There were no such people. There was one lady in a BLM t-shirt. Not exactly Mad Max-level.
Note: There were no such people. There was one lady in a BLM t-shirt. Not exactly Mad Max-level.
Trump rambles through some fake stats about his approval and accomplishments. The crowd is just cheering by rote.
This is professional wrestling with only one wrestler.
I've watched a bunch of these. In the early days, they bristled with an angry, dangerous undercurrent...
This is professional wrestling with only one wrestler.
I've watched a bunch of these. In the early days, they bristled with an angry, dangerous undercurrent...
Now, they're just spectacles. A garish roller derby with only one skater.
People come to hear the applause lines and cheer.
It's Chuck E. Cheese for adults.
One animatronic popinjay minus the jug band.
People come to hear the applause lines and cheer.
It's Chuck E. Cheese for adults.
One animatronic popinjay minus the jug band.
Trump is a little mush-mouthed. Getting a little slurry here and there as if he ate a sleeve of saltines on Airforce One.
Rambling through an unfollowable litany of topics without any connective tissue. Random comments about jobs, the military, Biden, his approval, Seattle...
Rambling through an unfollowable litany of topics without any connective tissue. Random comments about jobs, the military, Biden, his approval, Seattle...
It is like watching your drunken, racist uncle stumble up to the open mic on Slam Poetry Night at the Cracker Barrel.
If he has prepared remarks on the prompter, he isn't relying on them.
He's in full Free Willy mode. Wailing away at language like he's made at it.
If he has prepared remarks on the prompter, he isn't relying on them.
He's in full Free Willy mode. Wailing away at language like he's made at it.
Trump now alleging he saved hundreds of thousands of lives by closing travel from China... yet no one thanks him.
Note, no he did not.
And now the bumbling fuckwit is rambling through a bizarre claim that doing testing leads to kids with sniffles getting listed as COVID cases.
Note, no he did not.
And now the bumbling fuckwit is rambling through a bizarre claim that doing testing leads to kids with sniffles getting listed as COVID cases.
Trump now alleging that in New Jersey only one person under the age of 18 has died of COVID... which therefore means we should reopen schools.
Trump continues to imagine American schools as self-contained Lord of the Flies-like islands where children autonomously self-educate.
Trump continues to imagine American schools as self-contained Lord of the Flies-like islands where children autonomously self-educate.
This is a sad spectacle.
Trump is so desperately needy, so broken, he NEEDS these events the way an electric car needs a charge.
He prompts the crowd to clap for him "You're so lucky I'm President."
It's a Jeb-ian "Please clap."
Yet, he soaks it up as if it is real.
Trump is so desperately needy, so broken, he NEEDS these events the way an electric car needs a charge.
He prompts the crowd to clap for him "You're so lucky I'm President."
It's a Jeb-ian "Please clap."
Yet, he soaks it up as if it is real.
And when he is in this place of desperate, bottomless need, he always stays nearly entirely off script.
He desperately needs to feel like the crowd is loving HIM.
And that leads to an insane, prattling, drunken stumble that doesn't even resemble adult thought or speech.
He desperately needs to feel like the crowd is loving HIM.
And that leads to an insane, prattling, drunken stumble that doesn't even resemble adult thought or speech.
Trump now walking the crowd through a painfully long explanation of how the West Point ramp was truly one of the world's most treacherous expanses rivaling only the land-mined slopes of the Vietnamese foothills west of Denang.
For real, he has been on this for 10 minutes.
For real, he has been on this for 10 minutes.
Trump is obsessively and endlessly explaining (and then reenacting!) his treacherous attempt to traverse about ten yards of ADA-compliant ramp.
That incident has wounded his ego deeeeeeply.
He is desperately trying to rebut every iota of the filmed footage.
That incident has wounded his ego deeeeeeply.
He is desperately trying to rebut every iota of the filmed footage.
He has spent more time trying to gaslight the crowd on his visible infirmity than he has on the economy, military, immigration, or any other topic.
And now he is on to insisting he is quite good at... drinking water from a glass.
And now he is on to insisting he is quite good at... drinking water from a glass.
And then, the plodding golem, the porcelain eggboy reaches beneath the podium and takes out a glass of water.
And drinks from it.
The President of the United States of America just carried out a pre-planned demonstration to prove he can effectively consume water from a glass.
And drinks from it.
The President of the United States of America just carried out a pre-planned demonstration to prove he can effectively consume water from a glass.
As he veers off into talking about the stock market, allow me to interject by notifying you that the first of my three beers is now empty.
It did nothing to ease the pummeling effects of exposure to this oration.
I must now get another.
It did nothing to ease the pummeling effects of exposure to this oration.
I must now get another.
Should you have any interest in funding any of my future beers via the links in my bio, I can assure you they will be both very much appreciated and very much needed after this rally's assault on my sensibilities.
Anyway, let me open my second-to-last and return to my station.
Anyway, let me open my second-to-last and return to my station.
Okay, I'm back...
Catching us up, Trump briefly got back on script and sleepwalked through some boring lines about Biden that neither he nor the audience even feigned interest in.
Now moving on to a long, circuitous story about Boeing.
Boeing. The company based in Washington.
Catching us up, Trump briefly got back on script and sleepwalked through some boring lines about Biden that neither he nor the audience even feigned interest in.
Now moving on to a long, circuitous story about Boeing.
Boeing. The company based in Washington.
I have no idea why he thinks a deep-dive into aeronautics is likely to be a Tulsa crowd-pleaser but there is no reason in this place.
We are in an addled funhouse devoid of logic or sense.
The carnival barker will bark. The crowd will clap and eat their taffy.
We are in an addled funhouse devoid of logic or sense.
The carnival barker will bark. The crowd will clap and eat their taffy.
The main theme of Trump's endless Boeing story appears to be that he is very good at negotiating things he did not, in fact, negotiate, purchase or save money on.
And then Trump abruptly whipsaws through a segue from Boeing into talking about Angela Merkel.
And then Trump abruptly whipsaws through a segue from Boeing into talking about Angela Merkel.
And in short sequence, Trump riffs through a quick hit list of classic imagined enemies and fictitious accomplishments.
Claims Germany owes us money for NATO again proving he has no idea how NATO works.
Claims everyone is cheating us on trade but he is super duper fixing that.
Claims Germany owes us money for NATO again proving he has no idea how NATO works.
Claims everyone is cheating us on trade but he is super duper fixing that.
And now he has moved on to what could have easily been a straight pickup from any Trump rally in 2016.
Standing for the flag. The NFL. Open borders. MS-13. Rapists and murderers.
"I called them animals. Nancy Pelosi said 'No, they're people."
Standing for the flag. The NFL. Open borders. MS-13. Rapists and murderers.
"I called them animals. Nancy Pelosi said 'No, they're people."
Trump is unloading his entire cargo bay of xenophobic race-baiting red meat.
It is like opening the bomb bay of a B-52 and just carpet-bombing the crowd with his most hateful, inciting rhetoric.
The rhetoric is as vulgar and ugly as it was at any time in his early MAGA rallies.
It is like opening the bomb bay of a B-52 and just carpet-bombing the crowd with his most hateful, inciting rhetoric.
The rhetoric is as vulgar and ugly as it was at any time in his early MAGA rallies.
But here is the thing...
I watched a bunch of those. I watched a bunch after his election. I watched rallies in Florida and Alabama and West Virginia.
The worst was one in Alabama. It felt downright dangerous. Like a nitroglycerin of human hate being distilled and shaken.
I watched a bunch of those. I watched a bunch after his election. I watched rallies in Florida and Alabama and West Virginia.
The worst was one in Alabama. It felt downright dangerous. Like a nitroglycerin of human hate being distilled and shaken.
This one feels NOTHING like that.
This is pantomime. The audience is not invested. They're there to see the show. They are not emotionally raw and pouring emotion into the atmosphere.
It has no emotional charge.
It's a county fair crowd watching Lynyrd Skynyrd play "Freebird".
This is pantomime. The audience is not invested. They're there to see the show. They are not emotionally raw and pouring emotion into the atmosphere.
It has no emotional charge.
It's a county fair crowd watching Lynyrd Skynyrd play "Freebird".
His rallies have been heading in this direction for a while now.
Part of it is that they're just so tired and repetitious. No novelty. The same show.
In the past, I could follow the emotional energy in the crowd like a wave of static electricity in the air that rose and fell.
Part of it is that they're just so tired and repetitious. No novelty. The same show.
In the past, I could follow the emotional energy in the crowd like a wave of static electricity in the air that rose and fell.
And so could Trump...
When he hit the vein... struck that hateful, emotional chord... I could see him seeing it... he knew he had found the strings to pull... and then he'd pull.
Now, he's just talking to performative applause.
This is some weak shit.
When he hit the vein... struck that hateful, emotional chord... I could see him seeing it... he knew he had found the strings to pull... and then he'd pull.
Now, he's just talking to performative applause.
This is some weak shit.
And what Trump most needs tonight is to feed the bottomless bucket of his ego.
He not only isn't really campaigning, he's spending all his time telling masturbatory, rambling stories and then lazily ripping through a few scripted, prepared lines like they're in the way.
He not only isn't really campaigning, he's spending all his time telling masturbatory, rambling stories and then lazily ripping through a few scripted, prepared lines like they're in the way.
Trump now on to claiming he actually won by losing yesterday on DACA.
Offers no rationale for that moron oxymoron.
And we're on to talking about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
"Our country will have no energy!" if Biden wins because AOC will take away our energy.
Offers no rationale for that moron oxymoron.
And we're on to talking about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
"Our country will have no energy!" if Biden wins because AOC will take away our energy.
WINDMILLS!
DRINK!
DRINK!
"Ever want to see some dead birds? Go stand under a windmill."
The dude is absolutely terrified of windmills.
Show us on the windmill where someone hurt you, sir.
The dude is absolutely terrified of windmills.
Show us on the windmill where someone hurt you, sir.
Trump now moves on to talking about Ilhan Omar.
The general gist here appears to be to that The Squad would take away your electricity and kill the nation's birds with violent windmill assaults while also doing other unnamed bad things.
The general gist here appears to be to that The Squad would take away your electricity and kill the nation's birds with violent windmill assaults while also doing other unnamed bad things.
My penultimate beer is now nearing completion while Trump appears to be in no hurry to wrap up this cavalcade of batshittery.
This does not bode well for me one bit.
This does not bode well for me one bit.
Okay, we are now in a tense race against the clock. What will expire first? This interminable dreck or my last beer.
Pray for my beer. This speech is an undying torment.
Annnnnd, we're on to Trump claiming we had the best economy, the best stock market, the BESSSSST.
Pray for my beer. This speech is an undying torment.
Annnnnd, we're on to Trump claiming we had the best economy, the best stock market, the BESSSSST.
Meanwhile, Oklahoma's unemployment rate has rocketed into the teens and trails the country in clawing even some of them back.
Trump now promising he's going to super-triple-fix the economy next year after the election.
Trump now promising he's going to super-triple-fix the economy next year after the election.
So basically "I built a great economy... which is presently ruined but not, like, ruined-ruined. Just, sort of great-ruined but on its way to ruined-great."
And now we're ripping through a dizzying spray of nonsequiturs.
Brazil, Sweden, Historically Black Colleges...
And now we're ripping through a dizzying spray of nonsequiturs.
Brazil, Sweden, Historically Black Colleges...
Trump emptying the whole medicine chest to try to rehab his approximately -900% support among Black voters.
Throws out false claims about Black unemployment.
Name-checks Tim Scott.
And now we're on to poverty, murder, and the terrors of urban living.
Throws out false claims about Black unemployment.
Name-checks Tim Scott.
And now we're on to poverty, murder, and the terrors of urban living.
Trump reading off scripted lines about the apocalyptic hellscape of crime in places like Baltimore.
Boring. Crowd seems bored.
And now we're on to "the wall".
Trump alleging Dems "gave up" and let him build the wall.
Note: he has not built any wall.
Boring. Crowd seems bored.
And now we're on to "the wall".
Trump alleging Dems "gave up" and let him build the wall.
Note: he has not built any wall.
Fox News panning to the audience. Lots of empty seats even in the lower bowl.
The Jonas Brothers sold out BOK Arena.
The President of the United States pulled about the same sized crowd as The Wiggles. No, seriously.
The Jonas Brothers sold out BOK Arena.
The President of the United States pulled about the same sized crowd as The Wiggles. No, seriously.
Lord, this is boring.
Trump now rage-reading through the scripted prompter lines.
It is just so. effing. trite.
It's white noise. Boring as shit. A dumb, drunken piano man playing his one stupid ditty that was a minor hit years ago.
Trump now rage-reading through the scripted prompter lines.
It is just so. effing. trite.
It's white noise. Boring as shit. A dumb, drunken piano man playing his one stupid ditty that was a minor hit years ago.
Land this plane, asshole.
I am almost out of beer and this sucks and you suck.
I am almost out of beer and this sucks and you suck.
Trump revving up to a crescendo but the crowd just isn't matching his energy.
We will make America wealthy again, safe again, blah, blah, fucking, blah.
And we will make America great again.
Jesus H. Christmas, that was like slamming my head in a door for two hours.
We will make America wealthy again, safe again, blah, blah, fucking, blah.
And we will make America great again.
Jesus H. Christmas, that was like slamming my head in a door for two hours.
And with that, Trump wanders off stage briefly sated by the crowd's willingness to clap like trained seals for every canned, trite line in two hours of boring prattle.
He'll be happy. I feel need like I need a brain-shower of a dilute sulfuric acid solution.
He'll be happy. I feel need like I need a brain-shower of a dilute sulfuric acid solution.
I can now bring this tedious affair to a close.
Thank you to the folks who kindly slid a beer down the virtual bar by throwing money in my Ko-Fi jar.
I will cling to the vision of those future beers as I fight to regain full use of all four brain lobes after that assault.
Thank you to the folks who kindly slid a beer down the virtual bar by throwing money in my Ko-Fi jar.
I will cling to the vision of those future beers as I fight to regain full use of all four brain lobes after that assault.
Man, that was terrible.
It isn't even incendiary anymore. It's just stupid and boring.
It's like the nine millionth time you heard "Call Me, Maybe".
We get it. You just met me. This might sound crazy. Blah, blah, for the love of freaking god, blah.
It isn't even incendiary anymore. It's just stupid and boring.
It's like the nine millionth time you heard "Call Me, Maybe".
We get it. You just met me. This might sound crazy. Blah, blah, for the love of freaking god, blah.
Seriously though, Trump is in trouble.
His old material has no bite anymore. And he has nothing but old material.
The guy won by fomenting anger.
Now, people clap for the inciting lines like they're just hits from the old collection. "Yeah! He played 'Margaritaville!"
His old material has no bite anymore. And he has nothing but old material.
The guy won by fomenting anger.
Now, people clap for the inciting lines like they're just hits from the old collection. "Yeah! He played 'Margaritaville!"
Okay... thanks for riding along.
I am going to go stand outside and stare up at the night sky and quietly apologize to my neurons and synapses for what I have done to them.
They didn't deserve this.
I am going to go stand outside and stare up at the night sky and quietly apologize to my neurons and synapses for what I have done to them.
They didn't deserve this.
