So hey: for any straight dudes in SFF right now who are genuinely wondering why making sexually loaded jokes or comments is counted as a form harassment, I'm gonna do you a 101 explain.
Now: speaking as a gremlin raccoon person who swears like a sailor and enjoys making filthy, inappropriate jokes with friends, I understand why if you, too enjoy this type of humour, you might be panicking a little! But see: the key words here are WITH FRIENDS.
If I start busting out the "who would you rather fuck, wolfman or a fucked up wolf" content or making dick jokes or whatever, I am absolutely NOT doing that as my cold intro with people I've just met at a fucking industry event!! Even if we're drinking!! That's a hard no!!
Is it possible to meet some new buds at a con, stat vibing and immediately reach the level of friendship where you joke about monster dongs and each others' sexuality and it's all cool? Yes! But that's not what we're discussing here.
What we're talking about here is a sexist dominance tactic, a sort of weird hybrid of negging, aggressive hitting-on and gatekeeping all at once. The whole point of these moments is for the dude to get a reaction from the (usually) woman he's talking to, for HIS benefit.
It's not about having a meeting of the mutually filthy minds, then later being strung up for it. It's about a dude deliberately trying to figure out where someone's boundaries are about sexual jokes, so that he can escalate or, if they establish a boundary, dismiss them.
If a well-intentioned person misreads the room and makes a gross joke, then they'll already be invested enough in the people they're talking to to be AWARE of the prospect of misreading the room, to gauge the reactions around them, and apologise immediately for a mishit.
But when skeevy dudes do it, it's a deliberate winnowing tactic. They don't want to talk to "prudish" women who won't let them get sexually gross in conversation, so they throw out a feeler comment purposefully to see if it gets a negative reaction.
If the reaction is negative, that woman is coded as undesirable/frigid/prudish/ugly/boring - whatever their insult du jour is for Unfuckable Lady I Don't Wanna Bother With - and they'll close her out. But if she endures it, even visibly upset, that's a win for them.
Because what they've just learned is that this woman won't backtalk their grossness in public; will let their boundaries be pushed, so that they guy can feel justified in saying whatever gross shit he's thinking about her body or sexuality or whatever, even in veiled terms.
But because these guys want to be protected from criticism, very occasionally, they'll go out of their way to befriend someone who reacts negatively to their gross teaser comment; probably, if we're being honest in a professional setting, someone who has more influence than them.
They will cultivate that person as a good reference, who will vouch for them to other prospective AFAB folks they want to get in with, but will always be careful never to show their true self to the shield, or else to downplay it as just some random with a grudge against them.
I will also say, there's another variant on this level of harassment, where straight women are aggressively sexual and inappropriate with gay men they've just met. It's all about claiming some part of that person as "theirs" and feeling entitled to their bodies or fantasies.
The reason this becomes pernicious in both instances isn't just the gross habit of deliberately making others uncomfortable for your own enjoyment; it's because, in a professional context, you're trying to minimize social opportunities for anyone who'll call you out.
Because the people who do this - they know it's frowned upon. But AT BEST, they figure, "ah, but I'm really a good guy, I just like this sort of conversation, so what's wrong with winnowing out people who'll be downers?," ignoring that they're doing this at pro networking events
Especially from people who are established or successful in the industry, what they're doing is saying, "Unless you'll accept me behaving grossly, sexually about and around people who make my dick hard - including you, maybe! - you don't get to network the same as everyone else."
It says, "You don't get to feel like you belong in this genre or profession, because my reaction to your body and your willingness to indulge that reaction is more important than your writing, your personality or your thoughts. My dick must be considered At All Times."
And that's why it's a problem. Not because any of us hate gross, sexy humour Forever And Ever, but because it's only actually *humour* if it's all taking place between friends who respect each other's boundaries, instead of being used as a way to swing your dick at someone.
Jumping back on my own thread because I want to explicitly address how self-professed "nice guys" end up doing this sort of thing.
See, as much as it's a stereotype that geeks, especially straight geek dudes, didn't get a lot of lady-attention during their formative years... sometimes it's still true. And while many dudes don't use this as a subconscious excuse to creep... some do.
In a nutshell: what happens is, power corrupts, and frankly some dudes only find it easy to be "nice" when there's zero contextual opportunity to be anything else.
Then, suddenly, they become A Name in their profession, and women at cons want to talk to them! More potential female attention than they've ever had before, from women who appreciate all the stuff they have a chip on their shoulder about women not liking in highschool!
And these guys think, "It's not creeping if I hit on these women, because THEY'RE the ones approaching ME! It's not gross if they're genuinely interested in me and my writing, because I'm not doing a cold approach - I'm just reacting to their vibe!"
See, the dude in this moment either forgets or ignores that he's at a professional event. Outside of panels, SFF cons don't often feel professional in the way that most jobs we have to work otherwise do. They feel like fun! Everyone is an equal! Except:
- the only reason they're being approached so openly in such numbers IS BECAUSE OF THEIR PROFESSIONAL STANDING. Any overtures of friendship here are coming in at least a semi-professional capacity, not because you clicked the magic button and your Tinder wishlist sprang to life.
But still, these guys think, "But maybe I really like this girl, huh? Why should I miss out on a potential awesome relationship just because we're at a con?" Except, outside of this justification, they're not thinking about a relationship. The timeframe's too brief.
They're not REALLY thinking, "Wow, I could get to know this woman over a period of days or weeks and then, if we feel the same way, maybe I could ask her out." They're thinking, "holy shit, maybe I can have sex in a hotel room!" or "oh wow, BOOBS. Gotta comment!"
You know how I know this? Because THAT'S HOW IT BECOMES A PATTERN. Someone doing serial monogamy with people they just so happen to meet at cons? Not a creep. Someone who looks forward to cons because they KNOW they'll be approached by more women than otherwise? CREEP.
Because what these guys then fall into the habit of doing, whether they consciously realise it or not, is viewing the women they meet at cons primarily as potential sexual conquests and/or ego-candy, NOT AS POTENTIAL PEERS. But they're still *nice guys,* so it can't be an issue!
Which is why they react with outrage, distress and/or hostility the first time they get called on it. What, can't a guy be interested in a woman AT ALL without being yelled at? They don't want to admit that they're taking advantage of a professional setting to be personally gross
- and unless they sit the fuck down, do some serious self-reflection, apologise and actively work to be better? THIS is when they start trying to cut the women who "can't handle a joke" and "don't have a sense of humour" out of their professional circles.
It might not even be a conscious thing (after all, you're not doing anything wrong! that person is just being judgemental and harsh, and you don't want to call them out and make it, like, a THING, you're a Nice Guy who likes feminism! you just... don't wanna talk to them, either)
but that's how the pattern starts. They start to cultivate the fans and industry peers around them at cons as potential hookup pools, and tell themselves they're just enjoying the right not to be criticised while they're having fun.
From there, it's a short step to thinking it's funny to piss off "that kind of person" by overtly joking grossly to make them go away faster; to learning behavioural shortcuts to insure the greatest number of potential hookups to fewest number of critics.
And suddenly it's been years, and this established dude has completely forgotten what it's like NOT to be surrounded by eager, interested women at cons; it might not happen elsewhere in his life, but that only cements cons as The Best Time For Hookups instead of pro events.
As he grows in influence, he doesn't consider that the women flocking to him want or have careers of their own; after all, they're there for HIM. There's no impropriety; it's not like he's *forcing* them or anything. He's only cultivating the people he has around him, that's all.
And meanwhile, all those women who he upsets, ignores, or fucks and dumps, and never considers as peers or future peers or equals - those women talk to each other. They steadily realise they're not alone; they form networks. They warn others. And then, eventually - they speak.
