amazon.com/How-Have-Impos…
If the relationship, don't worry abt being right.
"You can be right or you can be married"
"I never considered a difference of opinion as cause for withdrawing from a friend"
"No one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care"
What if they suck? If Daryl Davis can have civil conversations with KKK and help them abandon it, you can understand them.
It means understanding not just what they believe but also why they believe it—in that process, maybe they’ll come to understand your reasoning, or see that their reasoning is in error, or vice versa
Assure common goals, values, and points of agreement.
Mention what you've learned from them.
Only after this should you utter a word of rebuttal
Say, “I'm really curious what you believe and how you came to believe it, it might inform my own thinking on the topic."
Lead with curiosity and ask yourself: "Why do they believe that?"
If you think they question your motives, say: "I may be off here. If something is wrong with my reasoning, please let me know."
Instead get them to explain their epistemology--how they know what they know. Ppl are far less defensive about this.
Epistemologies:
- Personal experience
- Others believe it
- Religion
- Evidence
Or “How come there are so many divergent opinions? I mean, why is it that when 2 ppl look at the same evidence they come away with different conclusions? How does one figure out whose belief is true & whose is false?"
Helping people understand they’re relying upon borrowed knowledge leads them to introduce doubt for themselves
Conversely, if they have a sound epistemology they may convince you to follow their logic
Ask, “On a scale from 1 to 10, how confident are you X is true?”
If they say 8, "What would move you to 6? to 10?"
Say "I'm only a 3, can you walk me through how you got to an 8?
Don't try to change their mind directly. Have them evaluate their epistemology
What evidence would cause you to change your mind?
Under what conditions could the belief be false
What value does believing in it provide over not believing in it?
Does believing it make someone a better person?
In 10 years will you believe this?
Focus on contributions over blame.
Instead of saying "X caused Y" ask, "What role, if any, did X play?"
Learn nonviolent communication:
- Lead w/ curiosity
- Be humble abt your knowledge. Say "I don't know" & rate confidence from 1-10
- Explain your epistemology
- Change your mind upon hearing better arguments
- Disavow extremists from your side
- Steelman their side
/FIN