Over the last few days the father, since reunited with Idiot Son (he may or may not be happy about that) has been pursuing a tactic of trying to persuade various institutions to allow him an exemption from Brexit. He started with the EU and felt I should know.
His key point is always the same, this is not the Brexit he voted for and someone else is to blame.
He asked if he is a Brit. I had to explain that she is a woman and no Brits still work at the EU as the UK had left the EU. This seemed to surprise him
"Nigel Farage !, They sacked him after all he did for Britain. That is a disgrace"
This he said was "typical of the EU, they are punishing Britain because of Brexit"
"Couldn't do any harm" I said. He asked me what I thought the chances were of a meeting with the PM,
"Slim" I said.
He seemed surprised by this.
He also let slip that idiot son suggested they "just turn at Number 10 up and put him straight"
What did I think was the chance of a meeting in Brussels or would they come to him ?
He asked if it would make a difference that his father had an OBE for services to farming. I said regretfully it would probably not.
"Didn't like to bother Nigel, he's a very busy man"
"We are not giving up, we are going to show them we mean business"
Once again, not sure what he means (probably neither does he)
Would he need to live in France to get it, I said that yes the French tend to like people to show a level of commitment to France before giving citizenship.
"Typical", he said " I want a passport not all the red tape"
He wasn't convinced,
"It's the bloody EU making everything difficult, that's why I need to meet with someone there and get it sorted. I paid good money for that house"
"Just so you know he has spoke about nothing else since he got back. Did he really beat up a Gendarme ?"
"Just as we all thought - plank"
First question I had,
"Will your son be coming over as well?"
"Probably, why do you ask?"
She gave me one of 'those' looks.
He's caught a frog and has bought it into the house, now there is a frog in the living room under the small sofa.
The wife has decided this is my fault for some reason.
"Did someone at my work ask you about the stuff we had we the French police"
"Do you mean when you got pepper sprayed, fell on the floor and arrested?" I said
"I don't remember it that way, it was more 50/50"
I said yes all French speakers globally know one another.
The sarcasm obviously passed him by because he replied,
"Good that will be helpful"
"Are you working or on Twitter again"
<hides twitter page quickly>
"Working dear" <big smile> receive frosty suspicious look in return and much muttering.
"I thought you might like to know he was arguing with one of the other fitters about his trip and he now he's run over a cat"
No cat injuries.
"Out with the boys tonight for a few bevvies. Bring them up to speed on our adventure"
'Our' adventure ?
"Will Darren be with you?"
Seems he will. That might have consequences.
He said he was,
"keeping an eye on that stuff."
He asking me if he could get a French passport, "over the internet"
1am - We showed them
1.23am - Are you there Dave?" (my name is not Dave)
2.04am - How far to France from here?
2.27am - I have a new girlfriend
3.07am - Yp have no idea wha I will be doing
"Did I send you messages last night, if I did would you pass them on to the right people"
He's quoting habeas corpus, the US Constitution, the Conservative party manifesto and Macbeth.
Plus he's back on his "It's not fair and I want compensation" line again.
"Ignore last email, that was intended for the House of Lords"
The dog is in the pool being chased by a duck.
"Tell her everything about this girl he's met" because if she founds out he's been cheating she will,
"Do time for him if needed"
I have in the last three minutes just discovered that idiot son's wife is Darren's sister.
"You have to cover for me with the wife. I can handle her but Darren is a bit tasty and will give me a kicking if he finds out"
The father has emailed me asking for help in "becoming French and all that"
Did I think France would give him compensation if he has to change his right hand drive car to a left hand drive one for living in France. As he said,
"After all it is a Renault and that's French"
I suggested he write directly to Pres. Macron.
"Well it's typical of the EU to cause these problems, they could have simply let Britain continue with the present arrangements but instead they had to be difficult"
"O no" he said "The UK was pushed out by Brussels" Seems he saw an article on the Brexit Party website that,
"explained it all"
If we become French all sorts of things might happen"
It's not clear what he's nervous of, maybe an improved dinner experience ?
Wife calling from kitchen to say,
"Your dog has made a terrible mess"
It used to be 'our' dog.
"If we do this becoming French stuff will I have to join the French Army?"
I assured him he was not what the military of France and the Armée de terre in particular was seeking in any future soldier.
Email from father (who let me remind you voted for Brexit)
"All this bloody fuss because people didn't take the time to research Brexit properly. The British Government needs to get this sorted"
"This 'let's get going' PR campaign from the government today is a bit meaningless. They need to do better than that to ensure a fair Brexit"
He still doesn't get it.
"It's ridiculous how long this has dragged on for. We were never told this about Brexit and I don't think we should suffer because of it. Please ask your husband to help where can"
I asked her not to, I recommended words to use, I suggested tact and diplomacy, I reminded her these are our neighbours, I explained how so many had been fooled and manipulated over Brexit. She went her own way
"You people deserve all all that is happening to you. You were told the truth and you ignored the truth, you voted for Brexit, you allowed your racism to let you justify your vote. My husband has kept your son out of prison. I am sick of you...
.. all. How much more do we have to do for you ? Your country has become a laughing stock around the world. We French are laughing at you, the Germans are laughing at you, even the Belgians are laughing at you. You have as you British say, made your bed now sleep in it.
"I am now ready for you to take me to lunch"
We are off to lunch. Goodbye everybody.
"Mum and Dad arguing again. No idea what about"
A wonderful warm (30 degrees) sunny day here in the Dordogne. Lunch was
A Duck breast salad with a local dressing and a glass of Pinot Gris (wife)
Cheese omelette with a green salad and a glass of Pinot Blanc (self)
Coffee for both with a slice of walnut cake.
"I thunk you are very rude and I shall not be speaking with you again. The only way that Brexit will work for everyone is if we all pull together. I await your apology"
She then promptly went to change before going for a swim. She is swimming up and down the pool laughing and telling the dog that the British are all mad.
"Mum is pretty upset, you are going to need to get your wife to apologise other we will not be able to move this project to a successful conclusion"
I have no idea why he has started writing like a second rate management consultant
"It's not like we need to boil the ocean here but I think if we all move as one and hold the feet to the fire of those who are roadblocks we can bring this home with a win/win"
"I'M WAITING !' with an image of somebody pointing at a watch.
My wife has not seen that email ......... yet.
The tension is killing me, even the dog looks worried.
This is not a good sign, this warns of imminent eruption.
'Aggressive bliss'. She pressed send. It said,
"This has all got out of hand"
I'm not sure if he's referring to the email from my wife or Brexit in general.
The son sent one overnight to remind me I should tell my wife to apologise to his mother. He clearly has not read my wife's email.
Eleven emails from the father, of which numbers 2-11 are basically
"why haven't you replied to my first email"
Six WhatsApp messages from idiot son that are all a variation on the theme of,
Idiot son has sent me a lengthy article from some US Far Right nutjob explaining why wearing face masks is "unconstitutional"
I am not in any way surprised to discover he opposes the wearing of face masks, of course he does.
"Mnnn head brrrrrrrst sosing"
"You would not believe what I have seen on the French embassy website, it' is soooo complicated to become French." I replied
"I'm so sorry, was that during your time in Iraq? Thank you for your service"
"I've known adventures, seen places you people will never see, I've been Offworld and back… frontiers! I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps.....
I said it was designed by famed Arabic architect Zhora Salome.
He was barking at passing birds. I told him to stop it so now he's sitting next to my chair growling at them instead.
Birds seem pretty relaxed about this.
"Now that we can travel again we are coming over to sort out the sale of our house. We will see you next week"
Just off to let my wife know.
Just ordered a Tesla X as a replacement for my wife's Land Rover Discovery. We have told the dog, he seems quite pleased about it. Told our youngest daughter, she was indifferent.
"We must give them the right welcome"
"We're all really pissed of with the way the French has tried to push us around. We are going to sell the house there...
... and buy one in Spain"
"Tête de noeud"
"It's got a great British community there" and they are sick of "foreigners and all that"
"I told that Mayor he couldn't push my family around. We won't have to put up with any of that EU nonsense in Spain"
Idiot son said,
"That is just typical of the EU, always trying to make things difficult for us Brits"
His dog friend is back. We still have no idea where he comes from but he clearly likes our swimming pool.
"I've been doing some research. Did you know these EU rules apply in every EU country? Bastards !"
"Nah, I gave that lot a chance but as soon as they realised I was right they called in the cops, I had to give the cop a slap"
I think he's forgotten I was in the room
My wife has just bought a massive EU flag on Amazon
(€24.48 reduced from €29.97)
We are going to fly it outside the house for when neighbours arrive next week.
We have ordered a second EU flag.
While it may be true that not everyone who voted for Brexit was a racist I can say for sure that every single racist voted for Brexit.
Racism is at the heart of Brexit, it's what drives it.
"We were all upset to learn about Spain being just like France with this EU stuff. It's really unfair how they treat us just like any other country. There is no respect for Britain with these EU people, they need to remember better"
"You know, like the war and stuff, they owe us"
"The Korean war?"
I said, "Well the Germans, Austrians, Swiss and some Belgians speak German"
"I'm pretty sure the Belgians speak French."
He asked if I had "made that up"
After initially saying no it now seems the idiot son (together with his wife) will be accompanying his parents next week because in his words,
"I know how to work with those people"
I called our Mayor to let him know. He laughed and laughed and laughed
"Probably best if your wife apologies to my mother before they meet face to face. We don't need any unpleasantness while we sort things out" I said there would be no apology.
He sympathised and said, "must be difficult being married to a Frenchie"
"keeping their options open" with regard to the house. Seems he still thinks his father's letters to various political leaders might result in an exception from Brexit for the family. He's sure that PM Johnson will,
"Do us right"
Have just learnt my wife is making Pissaladière for this evening. Now the issue is what wine to go with that ?
A Chablis is the obvious choice but which one .....?
"Shall we all have dinner together next week ?"
Went down very well.
Told my wife about the dinner request from idiot son and not only did she say yes but suggested a restaurant run by a good friend of hers.
"Is is true that everyone is France has to wear masks all the time?"
I said, yes, even when at home with the family and in bed.
"These people are not our people. We like British people but here an exception must be made.
"The EU is going to be very sorry when we leave. Lots of new opportunities for Britain to trade."
I pity him.
On early Saturday morning the father was contacted by his company HR.
He blames the EU
He blames the EU for "taking his job" and forcing him to sell his holiday home. He says the EU is "punishing Britain" because of Brexit.
"fall apart very soon" as punishment for it. He says "Brussels" is forcing his company to move and that's why he lost his job.
He thinks the EU should have given the UK everything it wanted in negotiations as that would be "fair to everyone"
We had a BBQ this evening and he has eaten multiple sausages without us realising. He is very happy.
"This is your fault"
"Suppose you heard about my dad losing his job and all that. Those EU scum will do anything to hurt Britain. We should take over Brussels and show them who is boss"
He also said that the entire family is coming over next week for,
"One last holiday" they all arrive Sunday.
Off to hang the flag on the family flag pole this afternoon.
I'm sure they will like it.
"Stupid Brits, it's all their problem now" It no longer gets discussed or talked about. We have moved on.
I sent a picture of it to the idiot son with a note saying,
"When did you order this'
Awaiting his reply.
"I should say that is childish but I'm laughing too much"
She is now sending pictures to everyone in the village. First one to our Mayor.
"People who wear masks are giving in to this virus. We all need to fight back '
It's possible he has a limited understanding of epidemiology
"You know, Brussels. My hands are tied"
He's spotted a rabbit in the field. He's slowly crawling toward it.
Dog now trying to act nonchalant and pretend it was never interested
"If those French think they can force me to wear a mask they have another thing coming. All the lads at work say I should just tell them to sod off, I mean what can they do anyhow?"
"Do the regulations about wearing masks in France apply to British people as well or just the French? It seems unfair that we have to wear them in the UK and in France"
Father replied - "Doctors don't know everything"
Son replied - "I don't do science, too boring"
"That rare thing a trustworthy politician" and by another as,
"the last hope for our sort of Britain"
"Zionist bankers and other enemies of the people"
"I think they are just very much in favour of the EU"
"given a bloody nose to the global elite" and that Bill Gates is "running scared".
No update on Jeff Bezos so we can assume he's ok
"Don't forget to ask the Doctor to write it in French" He wrote back to me,
"Good call, thanks. I had forgotten the French all pretend not to understand English"
I said that was an excellent idea and pointed him toward a local gynécologue we have nearby.
Fresh Fig and Feta Salad with Pine Nuts, no alcohol as I have to operate a chain saw this afternoon.
Dog is tucking into a tasty bone my wife bought back from the butcher. He's making that growling 'keep back, this is mine' sound.
Rest assured I have operated a chainsaw before, just not this one.
Yes I have the protective trousers and other safety equipment.
No we do not burn all the wood, only the pieces we can't sell to furniture makers (about 30%)
Everyone happy now ?
If I run into any 5G I will be sure to duck or let my protective trousers take the hit.
Now helping wife with preparing vegetables for dinner and considering wine choice.
For pudding a Brandied Apricot Tart with vanilla ice cream.
"We smashed them.... then all the crows came out.... my trousers are all blue.... shoes missing. "
Right here we go ... the Battle of Chaeronea.
I'm none the wiser.
There was a large fight related to football for some reason in a field. The farmer broke up the fight by letting his cows into the field.
Idiot son fell into a trough that contained some sort of chemical hence blue trousers. Shoes lost at this point
No update on lost shoes.
I'm having a Tuna salad for lunch
I suggested wild garlic and lemonade.
Let's see if he goes for it.
"Yes but seriously, nothing is working and I can't go out in shorts like this. Do you think Swafega would work ?"
"Go for it" I said.
"Not been as good as I had hoped"
I told him to remember the words of the Buddha,
"Life is suffering"
"It's not great mate to be honest but it's as good as it's going to be in the circumstances. Me mum says I've always been like this"
"Whoo, that sounds cool, can I have a go next week."
I'm sure it will be fine.
" The English O the English"
Dinner is Oysters (Atlantic obviously) followed by Lamb chops with vegetable stir fry.
"Good to see we are heading toward a no deal Brexit, that at least is some good news"
"Showing Brussels we are in control"
He's chasing dragon flies around my vegetable patch.
It's possible the dragon flies are teasing him.
On balance I decided not to sign.
"We all need to show our support for Boris right now when he's fighting all of the EU on his own"
He has adopted his 'under the table' prime position.
"Around midday on Sunday"
Our Mayor has said he may well drop by at that time
"We are going to paaaaaaarty !!!!!!!!!!!"
Had conversation yesterday with CEO of French aerospace company. They have just taken their last delivery from longtime UK supplier. €6 million annual contract cancelled because of Brexit. Now buying from Germany.
"Why do British people get so angry when we tell them it is the law in France to wear a mask"
I had to explain the British mindset on this.
He is keeping a close eye on a lizard
He never moved and the lizard never moved for what seemed like eternity and then in what was certainly a telepathic agreement both simply stood up and saunted away.
Both keen to retain 'cool points'
The village collectively girds its loins.
"Really unhepfull and kept speaking French at me"
"Sort him out"
I guessing finger pointing and empty threats while standing with chest pumped up.
"We ain't far now dude'
Another example of his genius, they are at least four hours away if there is no traffic (not a given on a holiday weekend)
"Cops obviously been told to pick on Brits" he thinks.
"Push me around. I stood my ground"
"Enjoy the English party"
(Delivred in a thick Corsican accent)
"She got up early and met with the Mayor's wife to be ready for this. She has bought her camera"
Our garden now has an additional six people from our village who were also,
I am facing the idiot son, he is grinning at me as I type this. His mother sits staring at my wife, the mutual hostilitly is palpable. Our Mayor is quietly smiling to himself. His wife is calm.
Our dog is eating a biscuit.
"For God's sake are you posting this all live on Twitter?"
"Yes" I said, "O yes I am"
"Wicked and pimped".
It's lime green with massive wheels and red leather interior plus mirror glass windows.
He's very proud of it. The parents ? Less so.
"Do we know why that has been...." when he was interrupted by the idiot son,
""What's all that Euro shit on our house?"
"BORN IN ENGLAND"
"Is that a car or a fairground ride?"
"Wind your neck in there sunshine"
Jules looks at me, I shrug. It is probably good that Jules (former front row with Castres) does not understand this.
"This is a new regulation for, how you say, 'ex-pats"
"Of considerable French elan"
I am updating under pressure here people !
"So how long must it stay up then?"
" Je regrette, it is forever Madame. It is an EU rule"
"It is Brussels, what can we do?"
"Fight back, show them who's boss. They are French, you are French. Don't be pushed around"
"In Brussels they are Belgian"
The idiot son gave her a pitying look,
"Learn some bloody geography darling"
" Stupid English, stupid English" over and over again.
Our dog jumped in after her
UE bunting still intact
" we do not want a repeat of last time" he replied,
"Don't worry there matey. I'm a lover not a fighter" at this point idiot son's wife slapped his face.
It's been an unusual day
The mother is in our pool house drying herself and changing into dry clothes. The father is on one of my deck chairs in a state of bewilderment.
Jules and I are drinking Cognac and laughing like the old friends we are.
Our dog is confused
" I hate Europe"
"I'll have you all if need be"
Not sure of any of that. Sexual proposal, threat ? Its difficult to say.
" Babe, I've done me wrist in:
"Well I hope you are happy with yourself. This sort of thing is why we are better off outside the EU"
"Merci mon ami"
They live close by but it might be a long walk
The EU bunting and flags fly proudly. Our dog barks for a walk
All is good in the world
I am going for a sit in the pool to cool down.
"These people don't speak English. I can't get dealt with, how do you live with these bloody French"
He has forgotten i am half French.
"Tomorrow we are going out for the day, these English are not our problem. I want to buy a new hat and you are coming with me"
Have a pleasant week.
O well I shall try not to let it bother me too much
What is wrong with these people?
"Local advisor" she called me to check. I replied I was an unwilling participant in this saga but was willing to help if only to see the back of them.
"Any French difficulties"
"Just help them get it sold and then pfffft they are gone."
She is very pleased with it.
"Do you want to come round for a beer. I have Stella"
"EU rules or not it's coming down" Idiot son has a bandage on his wrist
"Because they lied to you"
"Those EU lot?"
"No, the Leave campaign"
He still thinks the EU is screwing him but he also now accepts he was lied to.
Idiot son still blames "Brussels" for all their woes.
"Both sides up to their necks in it."
I have wanderd away.
I'm not sure what that means or its relevance.
Dog is enjoying it and joining in with well timed barks.
His legs still have a blue tinge to them.
Am having coffee with the owner.
Locals laughing at idiot son's stupid VW Golf as he has the stereo linked to flashing led lights underneath the car.
It's not gone down well.
She is explaining that the market sets the price not her.
The idiot son just interjected asking suspiciously,
"The Common Market?"
The idiot son said,
"That's not our problem"
"It really is Monsieur"
Message from my wife
"I have been very good and purchased only one hat. My mother bought two"
"You people need to pull your finger out!"
"My finger ? Out of what?"
Bewildered Estate agent looking to me for explanation
The father is still coming to terms with what his house is worth. Shaking his head and saying,
" This is just not fair, this is not Brexit"
The father unhappy with the valuation said,
"I need someone who can get me the price I need" The estate agent said,
"I am not that person, bon journée" Then she lead us both to the door
He is talking to idiot son. I am writing this.
"There isn't one. She is the only one in the area. You will have to go to the next town
It's about 30 mins drive"
"Well that's just typical of the bloody French, anything to be difficult"
They are standing together looking lost leaning on the stupid Golf.
A Gendarmerie is approaching them and looking at the car
I am calm
"I am so sorry" I said. She laughed,
"I do have one question"
"Why does one of them have blue legs?"
Of course he was.
More details when I have them
"We need to go and see the police." I tried to be polite
" I have a hangover, please go away"
" I'll wait" he said. He's now sitting in my garden!
She banged on the door. My wife 'encouraged' her to leave.
His car however remains in the compound awaiting inspection. He is "sorting it"
"They are just loving it I expect. Everyone loves my dub"
Even his father rolled his eyes.
My wife heard this while walking over to feed our chickens. She stopped, her back went very straight and she turned to face him. I have seen this look before.
"There is no more to be said. All has been decided. I hope your unusual car is returned to you soon but until then, Au revoir"
This may well be the first time either of them has driven a left hand drive car, a view reinforced by the fact they drove into a rodadenrum upon arrival
What an idiot