Recorded a fascinating interview this morning w/ @ginadalfonzo on her new book #DorothyandJack: The Transforming Friendship of Dorothy L. Sayers & C. S. Lewis.
So many angles, but one we tracked down was how Sayers & Lewis's friendship was a meeting of the minds rather than of the hearts. It got me thinking about how we discuss love, friendship, marriage, & whether men & women can be friends.
Obviously lots going on in that convo, too, but one of the problems w/ how we frame both marriage & friendship, imo, is centering it as something that is primarily rooted in the emotional life.
We talk about marrying our "best friend" b\c we're using same reference point for both matrimony & friendship: this person makes me *feel* a certain way. We "click." In this frame, I suppose I understand why some people would see m/f friendships at risk of becoming romantic.
If you're basing your relationship primarily in the emotional realm, romantic feelings are just a step away. If you marry your "best friend," than what's to keep a new friend of opposite gender from becoming your best? #guardyourheart
I'm sure some of this is personality, or maybe I'm a dinosaur like Lewis & Sayers, but I don't tend to make friendships this way. For me, the emotional side of friendship comes later, the result of shared interests & experiences that grows more personal. I'm a very bad BFF, tbh.
All that to say, we probably need to rethink & better define what we mean by "friendship." And you might need to listen to this episode when it drops in a couple weeks. But you *definitely* need to buy Gina's book.
Look, you can turn a blind eye to the predation of women, rally behind a man know for sexual debauchery, & then act shocked at women who don’t marry men & have kids.
If you promote a sexual economy where men are free to do whatever they want w/ little to no accountability, the only way women can have even a measure of safety is by not partnering w/ them in things that require deep trust & commitment
Women’s ability to partner w/ men is directly related to how the community around them holds men accountable. Want more marriages & families? Punish sexual predation & call out misogyny
The weekend’s events reminded me of this graf from @WestLondonMan. When we disagree w/ or dislike someone, we have 4 options:
1) kill them 2) create structures to control them 3) make life difficult so they leave 4) engage in politics
More to the point, if you’re not doing the work of politics as a means of actively seeking reconciliation w/ your neighbor, you’re doing one of the other three. Our options are good faith engagement thru shared process or coercion & violence.
That’s why the loss of shared norms & rise of authoritarian rhetoric over the last few years has been so dangerous. It’s not about tone or politeness. Respectful political engagement & just dealing are the only means we have to avoid violence.
Bedford (pop. 3200) was home to a National Guard unit serving in Company A in 1st Battalion in 116th Infantry Regiment of 29th Infantry Division. Of the 35 soldiers from Bedford, 19 were killed on Omaha Beach. Another 4 “Bedford Boys” would die before the end of the campaign
Bedford suffered the greatest proportion of losses of any town in the US that day. Everyone knew someone. Everyone lost someone. A little, quiet town in rural VA decimated by the events on a faraway continent & the actions of evil men.
This is beautiful & reminds me that I've had an essay brewing for a couple years about link btwn male loneliness/depression & cultures that prioritize male comfort & privilege.
TL;DR: Excusing men of their responsibilities to women & children robs them of purpose & the very ties that bind them to community.
The shape of modern Western life is already deeply individualistic so loneliness is a constant threat. But there's a sense in which men are *more* at risk of falling thru gaps b/c male embodiment does not naturally force a man to be bound to others in way female embodiment does.
On this fine Saturday morning, a few thoughts re: Alistair Begg...
*cracks knuckles*
(For unaware, Begg is a conservative evangelical pastor who holds traditional views of gender & sexuality but who recently advised a congregant to attend her grandson's marriage his trans fiancé. Despite conservative backlash, Begg is standing his ground.)
In the ensuing debates, marriage traditionalists are divided on Begg's advice. Some have cancelled Begg while others have agreed to disagree. Begg himself names it as an example of the difference btwn US evangelicalism & UK evangelicalism (Begg's Scottish) & yes... but also...
In response to this article, someone asked me why mid-tier leaders prop up abusive rulers. Are they being blackmailed? Do these leaders have dirt on them?
I cannot reiterate this enough: The mediocrity is the point.
So much political & ecclesiastical corruption can be explained by simple fact that people are lazy & consumptive. They want to live like little kings over little kingdoms & have no higher ambition for life than indulgence. Sloth, greed, gluttony are deadly sins for a reason.
It's the nature of authoritarian leaders to remain happily ensconced in failing societies as long as they get to be at the top & indulge their base appetites. They create worlds of fiction & surround themselves w/ folks who are also content w/ a just small piece of that pie