a story: once in chicago's humboldt park nabe, i was walking to a friends house w some beers. i passed two teenagers with their girlfriends who made a joke about me giving them a couple. half a block later, they ran up behind me and tried to grab the beer out of my hands...
it was their bad luck that they happened to do this in front of an alley where a CPD cruiser ambled towards us. the cops saw chased the kids and caught them. afterward i told the cops i was fine, that they hadn't even managed to get the beer out of my hand.
two months later i showed up cook county juvenile court for the kid's court appearance. the prosecutor went over the police report. the cops lied about almost every detail of the encounter.
the incident had happened at like 7:30 PM but they said it happened at 4:30. they said the kids had taken my cellphone and wallet. most importantly, they said the kids repeatedly punched me. on the basis of this police report, these kids were facing felonies.
i told the prosecutor all this was false. she pulled the arresting cops into the room; said she was dismissing a couple of the charges and downgrading the rest to a minor misdemeanor. the cops acted like petulant teenagers who were unapologetic getting caught in a small lie.
There’s also a bizarre comic non sequitir coda to this story
after this disturbing experience, i saw a civil servant about getting an official document for my boss saying i missed work for court. she explained this and then paused, cocked her head and slyly said, "say...are you jewish?" i nervously said yes.
"I KNEW it," she said. "I just LOVE that little wave in your hair y'all got. I bet the girls are all over that hair." I told her I lived with my girlfriend. she asked when we were getting married. though we did get engaged a year later, we hadn't even talked about it yet.
"Well obviously you're not serious about this girl," she replied, "so let me tell you what you need to do to get a real woman. First, once a year, buy a $2,000 suit. you don't have to wear it, just know that you've got it in your closet."
"Second, once a month, get a mani pedi & facial. Not in your neighborhood - you don't want your man friends to know you're doing this. Third, once a week, borrow a baby and take it to the park. When women ask you about the baby - they will - say, 'I'm babysitting for a friend.'"
Anyway this is only the first of three times I was abortively mugged. No one has yet successfully robbed me.
