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Steve Cuss Profile picture
@stevecusswords
Aug 5, 2020 • 5 tweets • 1 min read • Read on X
A quick Wednesday #soulcare question:

What is mine to carry, what is God's to carry and what is theirs to carry?

Differentiation of self is ongoing work and clarifying loads is key.

1/
Is there a relationship or situation where I over-function or under-function? What can I do to adjust this imbalance in a way that serves both of us?

2/
Is there a recurring dynamic that keeps triggering me, where I am highly reactive? Do I tend to see the 'other' as the one to blame? What am I doing that is generating this dynamic?

3/
Brave practice: What people or situations generate anxiety in me? How can put myself (safely) in that situation or with that person to practice lowering my reactivity?

Ie, if I struggle when I am misunderstood, in what meeting can I make sure I am misunderstood and be ok?

4/
Chronic Anxiety has a 'gospel' but it is always bad news. It says, 'its all on you, nothing can be done, it will always be this way.' Doom and despair.

But God is not only with us, God is already at work in that situation you're anxious about.

Rest in that easy yoke

5/5

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More from @stevecusswords

Steve Cuss Profile picture
Sep 10
One of my clients was talking about a newly formed staff meeting and one team member's tendency to critique and shut down others' ministry approaches. Ie, they not only didn't like the approach, they found it utterly wrong.

They were utterly wrong.

1/
It reminded me of the HIGH importance of the team leader managing anxiety in a staff. When one person 'pounces on a peer' and it is left untreated in the room, the staff will no longer show up as themselves.

It is on the leader to redistribute the anxiety.

2/
Typically the 'pounce' is spoken in a way that communicates, 'this is the end of the matter.'

People who are rigid communicators, people who speak emphatically, who aggressively critique another in public....they communicate 'no one else gets to say anything.'

3/
Read 7 tweets
Steve Cuss Profile picture
Sep 6
One of the most powerful ways to practice #differentiation is through the lens of responsibility. What is mine to carry, what is theirs, what is God's? Not an easy question to answer, but always worth a pause and reflection.

1/
When we're in anxiety's grip, we tend toward hiding, avoiding or blaming or, yikes, the trifecta of all three. But practicing differentiation forces us to clarify responsibility. The authors of Scripture remind us again and again that we can control one thing: self.

2/
So we can make a list of the things we are anxious about and then a check box set of columns.

How much control do I have over what I am anxious about?

Lots? Some? None?

3/
Read 10 tweets
Steve Cuss Profile picture
May 1
When I do workshops for teams, one tool we cover is communication styles. I ask 3 'either-or' questions. The first question:

Are you a rigid or fluid communicator?

This question is 'how do others receive my words?'

I am a RIGID communicator.

1/
In our chaplain group, my supervisor said, 'Steve, you talk as if you think you are the Pope. Everything is ex cathedra. Steve speaks and it is so.'

Ouch.

But also true.

My words carry WAY more weight and authority than I actually hold.

I SOUND more certain than I FEEL.
2/
My thinking is often quite fluid, but people experience me as having a certain opinion.

It takes extra energy to converse with a rigid communicator, because we talk as if we have the last word on the matter.

I had to learn to help my team push against my own views.

3/
Read 10 tweets
Steve Cuss Profile picture
Apr 18
Day 4.

Chronic anxiety or 'reactivity' is based on false needs that feel real in the moment.

Acute anxiety is based on real threat.

Slamming the brakes, swerving to avoid an accident, losing a child on a playground, seeing a snake when you're out jogging - acute anxiety.

1/
Image
Image
Not doing it perfectly, letting someone down, needing to be understood - chronic anxiety.

The problem is, the 'chronic' VERY much feels like the 'acute' in the moment.

Your body cannot tell the difference until you train it.

2/
Humans seek 5 core false needs: control, perfection, having the answer, being there for others, approval.

Let's look at two....

3/
Read 10 tweets
Steve Cuss Profile picture
Apr 17
Day 3.

Unaddressed reactivity wears us down.

We get reactive when we don't get a false need that feels like a real need.

What do you think you need that you don't really need? Image
We all have dozens of false needs and when we don't wrangle our many false need, they pile up and get the better of us and wear us out.

2/
Some of my false needs:
1. I need everyone I meet to like or approve of me.
2. I need to be understood.
3. I need to make the person in front of me feel better.
4. I need to always know what to say or do in any situation. You MUST see me as a smart person.

3/
Read 7 tweets
Steve Cuss Profile picture
Apr 16
Day 2.

Reactivity stops us from being human sized.

We end up getting bigger or smaller than human sized.

1/
Image
Image
Some of us, when we are reactive get 'bigger.' We must have the last word. We no longer listen to learn, we now listen to advise, fix, correct, or mansplain. We get aggressive, we dominate the space. Some of us literally make ourselves bigger.

2/
Some of us get smaller than human sized. We no longer feel safe to be exactly ourselves in that space. We do not speak up in the meeting, we flatter rather than tell the truth, we get quiet.

Some of course get bigger or smaller, depending on the circumstance and people.

3/
Read 12 tweets

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