And even more sorry I had to write the bloody thing.
Anyway, here goes.
2. It waited until everyone had made travel plans, then brought the policy forwards 24 hours
3. And then an MP using the name “Grant Shapps” helpfully told everybody the wrong date for the start of quarantine
5. Days after MoD said Patel’s plans for channel protection were “completely potty”, the Navy refused to send warships into the Channel
7. The govt proceeded with plans to end the furlough scheme, after think-tanks predicted would cost 2 million jobs
9. So naturally, the govt made applications for Universal Credit “online only”, after removing 4000 computers from libraries and job centres since 2015
11. So govt will scrap the ban on evictions in 5 days’ time, predicted to cause 220,000 extra people in England to become homeless just as winter starts
13. 28% of Tory MPs are landlords, and I'm going to mark that down as "an incredible coincidence" and ask no further questions
19. But this week, in a wildly unpredictable turn of events, he blamed Ofqual for - brace yourself - designing a system that did not allow grade inflation
21. On average, 40% of state schools results were downgraded, and in Northern England it was as high as 84%
22. In some subjects, 98.9% of results from private schools were inflated
24. And then a maelstrom of policy changes began: first, students were barred from appealing against results
26. Then it was announced schools would pay the fees, even though schools are not only closed, but broke, having had £7bn cut from their budget by Tories
28. And then they cancelled the appeals program completely
29. All that appeals stuff happened in just 48 hours
31. Regardless, the UK govt implemented the algorithm that had just been proven to fail, and seemed surprised when it failed
34. Boris Johnson said, “be in no doubt about it, the exam results that we've got today are robust, they're good, they're dependable for employers”
36. The UK Equalities Watchdog warned it would intervene because the algorithm results were discriminatory
43. A poetic Tory MP said the govt was “wanking into the void”, and if that’s not the name of a band by midnight, what’s the point of anything?
48. Chris Grayling – I mean, Gavin Williamson - now has to persuade parents that he’s competent enough to make schools safe for their kids to return. Good luck with that, Gav.
50. The govt now has 4 months to plan and execute over 2000 Brexit policies affecting 67 million of us, and every business in the country. Brace, brace.
52. The same Boris Johnson signed the Withdrawal Agreement that creates a customs border in the Irish sea
56. So imagine my shock when this week the govt pledge £355m to help companies in NI deal with “a new wave of red tape”
58. It then appointed Dido Harding to the replacement organisation, even though the replacement organisation didn’t exist at the time
60. The Evening Standard – a Tory-supporting paper – wrote of her “Dido Harding's utter ignorance is a lesson to us all”
63. Her £100m Test and Trace programme traced only 56% of cases, compared with Blackburn council, who traced 98% without a penny of new funding
67. Her husband – get this – is a “Govt Anti-Corruption Champion”
70. The value of utterly useless PPE rose from a mere £50m last week to £300m this week
74. So obviously, the govt relaxed the lockdown in Leicester
76. 10% of care home residents died of Covid in the first half of this year. Not laughing now, are you
I'll be here again in a few days, and in the interim I will accept gifts of good single malt whisky, or heroic doses of laudanum