Thread by @tanyaxshort

Envy is a real problem, bc it can not only make you feel like crap, it can also prevent you from collaborating and supporting others, or even destroy relationships!

So here's how to deal with it, in my experience as a creator, not a mental health professional. (a quick thread)

You can tell you're envious when seeing another indie or their game succeed makes you feel bad. Maybe you feel angry, helpless, ashamed, or just discouraged.

We all know we should be happy for others when they succeed. I hope you try. I certainly do, and I am most of the time. But it can be hard. Even when they're your friend. Or especially hard when it's a friend (we'll get to that).

Envy can be of a game or company, but for me, often boils down to envy of a person.

Maybe you wish you had their:
- success ($, reviews, followers)
- abilities (design, art, code, public speaking, etc)
- circumstance (network, community, privilege, lifestyle)

There are two main effects of envy:
1 - we doubt ourselves (lowered self-esteem)
or/and
2 - we decide we are more 'deserving' than them (bitterness)

Neither is healthy; neither leads to happiness. So what do we do?

Step 1: disengage. Pull away. Log out. Don't look at the materials hurting you. This is first aid, but doesn't treat the actual problem. Wait and heal -- drink tea or watch a movie or whatever. Take time until the thought of your envy target doesn't hurt anymore.

Step 2: probe the bruise. Think about the details. Identify what about their success, exactly, is making you feel bad.

This is the source of your insecurity. You dislike some aspect of either yourself or the way the world reacts to you -- or both!

(Sidenote: it's worth keeping that self-knowledge in mind when choosing goals for your projects, by the way. If you REALLY CARE about how some aspect of your game is received, for example (sales, reviews, Tweets, whatever), maybe make that an explicit priority in how you create.)

Step 3: stop the comparison. The reason it hurts to see someone succeed is because, generally subconsciously, you think you are able to be compared. You think you can match yourself against them as a measuring-stick. But you aren't, and you can't.

You are not like this person; your experiences and abilities and qualities are completely different. Even if was literally your identical twin, you still have lived a different life.

Same for your games. They are fundamentally different.

Sure, game sales and review scores and follower counts can be compared, but those aren't *the game*, any more than the diameter of your elbow is *you*.

It's hard to resist comparing yourself! Sales charts do it, media does it, everything is metrics now. But try to resist.

Easier said than done, I know. The main way I've re-programmed my brain from trying to compare me and my games uselessly is to focus on comparing to my past self instead. What do I know that I didn't, two years ago? What can I do that I couldn't? etc.

One other tactic is to humanize this person as much as possible. Even if they're your friend, it can be tempting to focus on the outcomes instead -- but refocus on their experience, their day-to-day. They struggle. They doubt. They hunger.

Step 3.5: ALSO resist the tempting opposite comparison to make yourself feel better -- don't look down on others you think are comparable either. Bad habit! Sure, you're better at some things, and worse at others, but as a totality, everyone is an apple to everyone else's orange.

Step 4: take it seriously. Resist dismissing their success as meaningless or "not actually amazing" to make yourself feel better in the short-term. Bad habit! You had a reaction because it was meaningful to you; accept that, feel it, and work on growing past it.

Of course, people DO just get lucky! I'm not saying to avoid acknowledging the role of (good and bad) fortune, or privilege but don't use it as an excuse to get out of examining yourself, either..

Some others have it easier. Some others have it harder. We each have challenges.

Step 5: when you can, emotionally prepare for any or all of your friends to succeed in a way that you have not, despite your best efforts. Nurture a self-image that isn't dependent on attaining certain goals; allow yourself to be, and live, how you can.

Step 6: help someone else. Not out of pity or guilt, but from any pockets of joy and care that you can find. Share knowledge. Build tools. Give encouragement. Re-build a habit of community and generosity, as sandbags against selfishness and arrogance and doubt.

I hope that helps someone. I know I have many kinds of privilege, and my coping strategies are undoubtedly tainted by that... but please know that if you hurt, no matter who you are, I'm cheering for you, and I hope we can all always find a way to return to creating joyfully.

To clarify, you might LITERALLY be more deserving than someone who succeeded, in every measurable way.... unfairness sucks.

but envy is still not a helpful reaction to that reality, and can completely destroy creative problem-solving energy. So defusing it asap is best, imo.

AFTER you've worked through your personal envy, and have restored your creative juices, maybe you can also find energy for fixing injustices, distributing resources fairly, or otherwise helping change systems & culture... but bitterness is the quickest road to burnout, imo.