Everyone has a different method of coping, and some are more productive than others.
Sometimes we settle deeply into our negative feelings and struggle to get beyond them.
2/ Bottlers push emotions to the side and get on with things.
Bottling may look like:
- Suppressing emotions
- Forcing yourself to “think positively"
- Exerting an imagined control over an emotion
3/ Brooders can’t let go.
Brooding may look like:
- Constantly discussing an emotional situation
- Ruminating on an emotion under the guise of conscientious effort
- Losing perspective
4/ When we bottle or brood, we lose our ability to be fully engaged with the world around us, and openness and enthusiasm are replaced by rules, judgments, and confining stories from our past.
5/ Bottling and brooding are short-term emotional aspirin we reach for with the best of intentions.
But when we don’t go directly to the source of the problem, we miss the ability to really deal with what’s causing our distress.
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Feelings are not facts. You don't need to believe them.
Are they valid? Yes. They are a core part of our experience of the world.
- Should we honor them with compassion? Yes.
- Should they be heard? Yes.
- Do they signpost things we care about? Yes.
Are they facts? No.
*Choosing* to believe a feeling, is not the same as automatically believing it.
I trust my best friend. Can I honor her, love her? Yes.
- Is everything she says a fact? No.
- Do I believe *everything* she says. No, she could be wrong.
- Do I obey everything she says? No.
I may have any number of feelings: that I'm unlovable, guilt that I'm a bad parent, or similar.
Is that feeling a "fact"? Do I *have* to believe the feeling?
- Am I unlovable. NO.
- Am I a bad parent? NO.
A long history of "feminizing" emotion - the notion that emotional capabilities and emotionality are more female than male - has devastating consequences.
One is the suppression of NORMAL yet supposedly "undesirable" emotions by gender and associated mental health costs.
Another is the societal devaluing of the "care" professions especially when those professions intersect with gender bias - like therapy and social work.
The crisis in available care and the underpayment of those who provide it, should be deeply concerning to all.
Another, is the view by many organizations & education systems that the emotional skills that are *essential* to wellbeing and adaptability - and will become more so in an increasingly complex, automated world - are "soft skills."
A leader is someone who instead invites, “trust my compass.”
1/5
It's tempting to present solutions and strategies as if they are defined and incontrovertible.
Yet, the truth is leaders cannot know the answers.
The world - technology, politics, and markets - is constantly changing. There are simply too many variables for a "map."
2/5
Leading from a "map" is a frequent organizational expectation. This is inhumane.
It places extraordinary pass/fail pressure on the leader; it demands teams act in particular ways "or else"; it denies the truth: the future is complex and outcomes are impossible to predict.
3/5